Do you forgive?

[Guest_1055]

Feeling hesitant about writing this and little scared of what people will think about me, a fear of being rejected I think. Well here goes.

Just today I have been thinking about forgiveness, forgiving the people who hurt us, let us down, or bring us pain in any other way. And I think forgiving actually helps us.

So what I aim to do, as a strategy to get rid of bitterness from within me is to:

1. Grap an apple or a potato from the kitchen.

2. I am off to see what I have got, yeah I have an apple that is going soft.

3. Write on the apple or whatever you have chosen " I forgive you" and draw a smiley face, that is what I did, and it is looking right back at me now.

4. Think of that person that has hurt you, and say I forgive you....... for hurting me.

5. And then I will go to the ocean, because I live near there. Walk down to the waves, and use all my physical strength and throw the apple as far as a can. "Just let in go"

Note:  If anyone tries this strategy from beyond blue, and I come across an apple on the beach. I will toss it back in for you.

Not sure of the outcome of this strategy yet, but I will keep you posted if you would like.

Also if you are not near an ocean, maybe you could choose a paddock.

OK going to post this now, still scared of what people will think of me."Rejection"

[Guest_1055]

Yeah I don't know about the person who you did not sense any healing with. Maybe it is a very painful thing for you that happened or maybe you are angry at him somehow. Which is valid if you are. Its ok to be angry for any hurt that may have caused on you or anyone else. Anger can be destructive if you don't forgive. I have been like this before. And  I am learning this with one of my relatives. Maybe it's just too painful at the moment to fully visit some things that happen. Like some may relive the trauma.

Yes I agree holding on to  bitterness only hurts is . The one holding onto it. So much healthier if we can get rid of it. I think it is a rotten ugly thing that can hang around in our hearts and then can sometimes lash out and hurt other people. I hate the bitterness emotion or feeling in me it feels ugly and constricting and it's hard to love others. Don't even think we see the world properly with bitterness glasses on.

About the healing when I was a child. Yes something shifted inside of me for the good. When I choose to forgive. Something more then the freeing sensation. I don't know what it was or is. 

I tend to get hurt sometimes very easily. Even if the person was not intended to hurt me. That is one of the reasons I don't want to be easily offended or hurt anymore. It is overwhelming and exhausting. 

Not sure where I am going with this. I appreciate you responding to me. 

[Guest_1055]

Hi Quirky ,I hear you there. I am also finding it challenging to forgive myself. Forgive myself for hurting others, and forgiving myself for hurting myself. Abusing myself. I think it is mixed up with loving ourselves for me. Wish I could help you. 

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Shell, yes I still have anger that comes up with that family member. It is because what he did deeply emotionally injured another family member who then deteriorated badly and died. (Sorry that’s a bit heavy!) But it’s what I’m having to come to terms with. He acted in a way that totally lacked sensitivity, wisdom and emotional intelligence. It had huge consequences for my other loved one and by extension me who was caring for her. But I think yesterday I reached at least that first step of acceptance. I know he may never change and there’s nothing I can do about it. I can only accept and let go. Forgiveness may come in time when it’s ready. It’s not something I can force. I just let go now and that is at least a relief.

 I think being offended and hurt easily is often a response based on hurts from our past, especially childhood, that just make us more vulnerable. I experienced a lot of sudden, unpredictable attacks as a child, so I can think someone is angry with me in the present when they’re not, or going to react angrily when they won’t. I actually discussed this with my psych yesterday where I won’t tell someone I’m not ok because I think they’ll attack me, even when the person is inquiring about how I am because they care. I’ll say I’m fine to them even when I’m really not. So I’m having to learn to trust that I’m not going to be harmed.

I’m wondering if that healing you’ve just had from when you were a child might really help being less hurt in the present, because like your inner being will now know she is safe and loved and so you are less likely to feel hurt, or if you do you recover more quickly? I hope it can help in the present. I feel like each time we heal something from the past it really does help us now.

[Guest_1055]

Dear Quirky, I received this in an email today from Chris Wark. Maybe you will find it helpful , I am not sure. Posting it for you just incase

"Make Amends
If there are people in your life with whom you are out of sorts, you need to make amends. That means asking for forgiveness from the people you’ve hurt.

I suggest you say something like this:

“This cancer diagnosis has made me realize what’s important, and I just want you to know that I’m really, really sorry about [that thing you did]. I was wrong, and I hope you’ll forgive me.”

The best-case scenario is that the person says, “I’m sorry too. I forgive you. I love you. Let’s hug.” But they may say, “I don’t care. I hate you and I’ll never forgive you,” and other harsh things. If that happens, don’t make excuses, don’t defend yourself, and don’t retaliate. Just let them say what they need to say and respond with, “I understand why you feel the way you do, and I just want you to know that I really am sorry.”

Humble yourself, admit you were wrong, and ask for forgiveness. This is the most important first step to mending a broken relationship. They may not forgive you right away, or ever. And that’s okay. But the weight of guilt and shame will be lifted off you after you ask for forgiveness. And then you can move forward.

Today’s Challenge: Who do you need to make amends with?"

[Guest_1055]

Hi dear Eagle Ray, so glad you found a sense of relief by letting go. ( gentle hug) Maybe the wound you have from all of this just needs to heal more or something. I am sorry you experienced all that you did with your family members.  I think I know who you are referring to from reading your thread.

The acceptance part. I am not sure if I have done this or come to this in my own life. Is it like an acceptance that the person may or may not change. Or may never see that they did anything wrong. And it is not up to us to tell them unless they ask maybe. Or maybe like letting go as if to say there hurtful, angry, abusive, insensitive and unloving behaviour is there issue. It is something inside of them. And they are responsible for their own behaviour sort of thing. It is not our issue their behaviour it belongs to them.

It is so good you found some relief there.  

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you dear Shell,

 I would say it’s an acceptance that he may or may not change, and I know from past experience and existing circumstances that there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. What seemed to make acceptance and letting go possible was the healing session I had with my psychologist that morning. She encouraged me to let myself feel and sense what was happening in my body. Our emotions are stored in our body and when we let ourselves feel we can allow emotions to release. I’ve been so broken down I just put my head down on the desk and cried. I let go emotionally instead of always trying to be strong for the other person. By being able to let go there emotionally, it somehow became easier to let go that afternoon of any attachment with my family member. It happened organically, like a self-healing mechanism in my mind/body/spirit. I literally felt it in my body, like the stress leaving me. 

I know with this family member from past experience I cannot discuss anything of an emotional nature with him, no matter how gentle and reasonable I am. I think it’s even beyond any issues now about hoping he’ll take responsibility. It’s just a total 100% letting go. It’s like every cell in my body knows that’s what I need to do and already I can feel some healing effects in my body from the letting go. I’m not even sure now how forgiveness fits into it, but I feel this letting go may be the beginning of it, even though I don’t think I’ve necessarily quite gotten to forgiveness yet. But there’s a beautiful quote I learned that I think explains the process of letting go:

Love is the acceptance of all things as they are without reservation.

 I still love my family member. That will never change. But I also fully accept that very likely he will never change. So I just accept it all, as it is.

 I’m not sure how clear that is, but that’s the best way I can explain it.

[Guest_1055]

Thankyou for explaining that. It is becoming clearer. Would it be ok with you if I show my sister this last post you wrote? 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Shell,

Yes, that is fine. In my particular case multiple factors have contributed to me finally letting go. I can handle this family member’s emotional avoidance patterns, and have done for years. But he now has a controlling partner who has acted out aggressively and abusively, making it extremely difficult for me to have the relationship with him that we had previously. He also has a narcissistic streak from his upbringing which is being intensified and encouraged in his current relationship. It’s made the situation impossible and untenable.

So my inner being knew the only option now is to let go. As I let go of any striving to try and fix the situation, anger, stress and worry about the situation go with it. That is healthy and necessary and actually a massive relief that I can feel in my body. It’s actually changing how I feel at a cellular level and I can feel myself healing.

Sometimes things can be worked out with a person and sometimes they can’t. I will still communicate with him if he communicates with me in a kind way and it feels right to do so. And I will always love him. But all attachments to trying to resolve the situation are now gone.

I’d already stopped responding to passive aggressive messages and I’m learning now to just walk away from anyone who behaves badly towards me. That actually puts the responsibility back on them to either improve their behaviour or lose the relationship. It’s not trying to punish them for their behaviour, it’s just letting go of that bad behaviour, completely disengaging and rising above it. Cruelty and nastiness are never ok and I used to put up with way too much of it. I’m realising now that I’m not prepared to have it in my life at all.

I think this also relates to valuing and loving yourself, protecting yourself the way you would a child who is being treated badly. I feel I’m finally learning to love myself as I should have been loved as a child. Somehow I think forgiveness grows out of that as well, because when you are loving and tender to yourself your heart expands, and it is that expansion that allows forgiveness to happen. Forgiveness can happen whether the person is still in your life or not. I feel like it eventually flows out of acceptance and letting go.

[Eagle Ray]

P.S. I've just done a very peaceful meditation with a woman online who is both a doctor and healer from a healing summit I've been watching. What I learn every time I do something like this is that the answer to everything is unconditional love. When I am really present with myself and have stillness within, I can feel the unconditional love flowing out to others. So even others who have hurt me, I still love them with an open unconditional heart. This can sometimes even change our relationships with others energetically. But I don't have that as an intention (because then I would be striving again), I just feel and experience the love. It is out of that love that forgiveness happens and the doorway to that opens when our hearts open without expectation. I don't know if that makes sense. But I can love all people, even those who've really hurt me, when in that space. I've found being around others who have an unconditional loving presence really helps and enables that opening of the heart and the peace to come. Just wanted to mention that in case it's helpful.

[Guest_1055]

Thankyou Eagle Ray, I have been pondering what you have said in your last post. Even googled healing summit. But I had no idea which one you listened to. 

Some of what you have written sounds similar to life experiences I have had. For me I know God is love . God as in the creater God that sent His son Jesus to die for us. So that we could be for given and reconciled back into relationship with Him. I know him as the one who loves unconditionally all mankind. Then He  gave the Holy spirit to dwell inside the believers of Jesus. God can love through us as in the unconditional love . Its not me but rather Him. If it was me that I would be strifing. Its Him. All praise and Glory goes to Him, the living and loving God

 I feel like when I Shelley gets in the way then it doesn't happen. I try to love others but without Him I can do nothing. It often doesn't work. I need to keep abiding in Him. Because I dont even want to be here on this earth without being in that abiding place. It is a beautiful place, there is no strifing there. Its a place I feel at home in, a place I belong too. It is a place where there is peace. His Peace. It could be raging all around me. But if I remain in Him there is Peace. A peace that passes all understanding. Such a restful place. Love to other people just naturally flows. I don't know why I keep coming out of the abiding. Forgiveness is all tied up into this. Because He tells his children to forgive others as we have been forgiven by Him. 

So it does all sound quite similar to what you have said I think Eagle Ray. And sorry if I couldn't get to the point.