Dilemma thread.

[white knight]

This thread is all about dissolving confusion by posting a dilemma say a family feud, workplace incident, what reactions are best and so on.

This will give members opinions from other members on what they would do.

Here is my first dilemma-

Im an athiest. Yet I feel I'm tolerant. When my wife and I visit another couple in their 70's, they hold hands at the table to say grace. Thats ok.

However, in general conversation like discussing depression its "just have faith in the lord and all will be healed" comments that ruin our friendship

The dilemma- just go along with it? Push my views that it isnt realistic. Or drift away as our compatibility isnt there.

We've been friends for 45 years. I'm even in their will as they have no children

Thanks...whats your dilemma?

Tony WK

[CMF]

Hi Grandy,

I understand your dilemma, I too would be apprehensive.. Not very nice feeling to find out they did lay after telling you thy cancelled. Would you feel comfortable asking then if it is a temporary fill in and point out that you know what happened last time? I understand if it is too confronting, I don't like confrontation either. If you are keen to get into something to get you out once a week is there something else you may like to try?

All the best

cmf x

[Ggrand]

Hello CMF,

confrontations I avoid at all costs. I feel really vulnerable and they make me feel like I'm lower then they are, since the day they lied to me...No I really don't think I could do it. I just thought I could but I don't think I can..

Thank you lots CMF..

Kindness only,

Karen..

[quirkywords]

Grandy

Yes this is a real dilemma and I have sure many have experienced a version of this. No one wants to feel dejected.

CMF gave a very helpful reply.

I am wondering who told you or how did you found out that the team played that day?

If someone told you I wonder could you explain to them how you are feeling?

If possible like CMF suggested I would explain how you are really keen but you know what happened last time and that you don't want to be told again that you are wanted then not wanted.

I realise that may be very hard. Do you know anyone on the team you could talk to,

Thanks for sharing this .

Kind thoughts

Quirky

[Ggrand]

Hello Quirky,

Thank you very much for your reply,

My friend who passed away, rang me the following day and asked me why I changed my mind and didn't come, I told her that the leaderscrang me back and told me they cancelled it..I only started playing darts because she asked me to..I did enjoy playing the other ladies were okay with me until I got sick. I didn't blame them because I kept letting them down, they stopped sending the reminders to play..

I would like to play again but I don't think I can ask that question, it might make her feel that I can't trust her, which I can't, Even if she said it's permanent, how do I trust her, she lied to me once so my trust of her word is not there..

I know all the players but haven't seen or heard from them for a long time now..Just not sure what way I should go.. What if I let them down again?

Something I need to think on more..Thank you again Quirky.. I'm just unsure..

Kind thoughts,

Karen.

[Birdy77]

Hi everybody,

This probably wouldn't be defined as an actual dilemma, but I would like to hear what you all think about something, and I didn't know where else to post it.

My partner and i have been invited to a party. We love the person whose birthday it is, but i honestly feel that i can't face it at the moment. Just thinking about it gives me knots in my stomach.

I don't want to hurt his feelings.

I want to decline the invitation, and my question is, do you think I should be honest with him about my reason, and tell him "I'm really sorry, but I'm struggling at the moment with depression and anxiety & won't be able to make it, I'd rather catch up with you separately at another time"?

I guess if we want to destigmatise mental illness we need to start validating it by being honest about it ... but I'd like to hear thoughts on it.

Thank you everyone 😊

🌻birdy

[quirkywords]

Birdy,

I suppose for me it may depend if the birthday man already knew about the depression and anxiety.

I am all for being honest and I talk about my illness , I give talks and I also am open in my personal life.

Quirky

[white knight]

Hi Birdy,

I've learned that people, regardless of being honest, have very little tolerance for the words- depression, anxiety, bipolar etc. Sad as that is.

I say "I'm not in a place that allows me to socialize. I'm terribly sorry but I think you will understand and you know I love you".

Reasonable levels of honesty is good. Full honesty sometimes isn't ideal. That's my view anyway Birdy.

I'm glad the dilemma thread served another purpose.

Tony WK

[Birdy77]

Dear Quirky and Tony,

I really appreciate you taking the time to give your perspective.

Our friend doesn't know about about this bout of depression, he does know of some trauma from a while ago that has been the lead up to it, and think he would be understanding ... but, I dunno, it makes you feel so vulnerable.

I will jot down the phrase you typed Tony, and work something similar into an email I think ...

Thanks again both, I appreciate your help.

🌻birdy

[chaz99]

Throughout uni my anxiety has become much worse. It’s mostly social anxiety. My self esteem has plummeted. I have no self worth and feel that I am intellectually incompetent and unworthy of friends.
However, I always vowed that I wouldn’t let my MH stop me from living my life.

My dilemma is this:

There is a 3 week university trip to India in about a month and a half that I signed up for at the end of last year. Despite feeling nervous, I signed up for it as to adhere to my ‘anxiety-will-not-stop-me-living-my-life’ policy. However, this year I have become much worse. I have started taking medication as I get into bad depressive ruts. I am constantly worried or sad and really dislike myself.

I know no one going on the trip. At the pre-trip briefing many students seemed smart, confident and already knew each other. I haven’t spoken to any of them.

The part of the trip that I am most anxious about is the social aspect and also that I will be intellectually humiliated when put on the spot.

Despite every uni tute being a nightmare, I only have to get through 1 hr, and then I can go back to the safety of home. But in India I won’t be able to escape home at the end of the day. The thought of being trapped and unable to escape in another country with a bunch of strangers for 3 weeks is terrifying.

The anxiety I now have about this upcoming trip is utterly overwhelming. I can’t allow it to even pass my mind because if I do I feel immediately sick. When I go to bed I simply cannot be alone with my thoughts of the trip or I begin to panic, so instead I have to drink until I kind of pass out or take sleeping pills to fall asleep.

I’m constantly torn between 2 self talks - 1 says ‘go, be brave, don’t be a quitter’ and another says ‘are you crazy! You can’t go.’

Today I had so much anxiety in a tute for no reason and it hit me that there is no way i’m going to be able to go on the trip.

The thing is, I've already booked flights and payed the uni $2500 which I wont get back. I am financially stable and have savings so losing the money wouldn’t be the end of the world but its more the guilt. I feel like i’m letting myself down, like I’m a total loser who is letting the fear win. I don’t know how I ever thought I could do this.

I graduate at the end of the year and am taking next year off to work, travel and focus on my MH.

Should I pull out of the trip even if it means paying $2500?
Or should I force myself to go and risk it being a disaster?