confusion of an ex self-harmer

[scorch]

I have not self harmed in almost 9 years (yay!)... but why is it still in the back of my mind?  I could be doing any mundane, daily thing and suddenly feel like I should hurt myself.

I never do it, because I remember what it was like when I did self harm... NO WAY am I falling down that hole again, not after working so hard to climb out.  But for some reason the urge is always with me, to hurt myself or something worse.  Not always at the front of my mind, but lurking somewhere near the back like some creepy paparazzi.

I don't want to feel this way.  I don't know why I feel this way.  I LIKE so much about my life, I've chosen to be happy even through the rubbish that comes with anxiety and depression.  I can see how lucky and blessed I am, and I love being alive... so where do these silly, negative thoughts come from?

I'm content with who I am.  I don't need to, or want to, hurt myself... what is going on in my brain to make me feel these compulsions? 

Does anyone else have thoughts like these?  Do you understand what I mean?  Is it because self harm used to be an addiction for me?  Like the way I sometimes crave a cigarette, even though it's been years since I smoked?  Does it even work like that?  Ugh, I'm just so confused.

[joey]

Oh my gosh yes I know exactly what you mean! I wasn't going to post today (mainly because I am spending time here when I have other things I need to be doing) but your post is exactly what I experience. 

Its only been 2.5 years for me but I probably do think of it everyday. Sometimes I think about self harming because I am bored - how ridiculous is that. Like I don't actually think seriously about doing it but a thought pops into my head 'why don't you just do x' for no good reason. None. So I tell myself it's just a thought and I don't need to give it attention. That kind of works. Occasionally the thought is more intense and more an urge. I don't like that. But I guess that's how it is. I hoped it would go away and get less with time. 

Not sure it has got less but my reaction is less. Like ok I have this thought all the time and haven't acted on it for a few years so no need to worry. That's what I say to myself. 

Anyway i I self harmed for 14 years so maybe will take 14 for the thoughts to go away. It was very much an addiction and a coping mechanism and all I had for a long time. 

Sorry i I don't have any advice but rest assured I experience the same. 

Joey

[Neil_1]

Hi Scorch  

I totally understand what you mean.  I’ve tried to put on here before about my self-harming, but it keeps getting edited out.  I don’t really think it is, but my doc reckons it is.  And I do it almost daily.  So it’s not a big self harm thing, if you can kind of get my drift – but it’s two things that I do, that do hurt me and to do them daily it drives me nuts!  Why do I do it?  Why do you have feelings of wanting to?  I think there’s similar thought processes there.  

Isn’t it weird … to have had done something for so long BUT to now no longer do it, but to have cravings to do it again, but don’t.  Scorch, that speaks volumes for an incredible inner strength that you have.  Which is totally why I can understand how you have managed to give up those addictions – a tremendous inner spirit.  However, that doesn’t answer your question of why it’s still in the back of your mind.  It has to be linked to depression and it’s that illness which makes us want to do that.  

Excellent thread.  

Neil

[scorch]

Joey, I feel the same way when I get bored too!  It's like, I'm not doing anything right now... might as well hurt myself.  It's not even like I'm particularly upset about anything or even want to, it just pops into my head.

Ugh!  It's kind of a relief (in a weird way) to hear from someone who is the same.  Not that I would want anyone to self harm, but I never met anyone who felt that way too.  Most self harmers I have known only do it when they are in a really upset state.

Neil.  I reckon self harm can definitely become a habit that we don't even really think about, it just becomes a part of our daily routine.  Maybe that's part of the reason why you do it? I understand your frustration.  It's so hard to do things when we don't even realise why we do them.

[joey]

Yeah it is good to know you are not alone. 

I think for me there were three phases. 

1. I was in a very distressed state when it occurred and I was very secretive about it. I was 12-17 years old in this phase. My mum didn't know or if she did she pretended not too. She thoughts I was very clumsy. Looking back it seems unbelievable but I guess we sometimes see what we want too. Interesting to note at this stage I had no idea what was happening. I think I even convinced myself these were accidents although that made no sense. But I had no idea what was happening. 

2. phase 2 I was still very distressed but by this stage didn't care if people knew what it was I no longer made it seem like an accident. This was from 18-27

3. Phase 3 I knew this had to stop. And got the help I needed. But by now had it been so long it was just a habit. Or a deeply inbuilt coping mechanism. Was it all I had learnt to turn to? so yeah I don't do it anymore but think of it everyday. Even if just for a second. And there are few people who would understand so I don't talk about it and maybe that makes it bigger. 

What helps you not to do it scorch? For my it's partly the time frame I say to myself it's been three years I don't want to ruin that over something trivial. But this is not a great strategy as it means if I slip up I have nothing left. If it's on,y been one day there would be nothing to lose. 

Joey

[scorch]

Good question Joey.  I think there are a couple of things that help me not to do it.

I also don't want to stuff up my 'clean' timeline for the same reasons as you - that is definitely a factor, but I think a good deterrent is I still remember exactly how self harm made me feel.

I'm not gonna lie, I would feel a strange kind of relief as I was hurting myself - but the second I was done I always felt awful.  Really, really awful.  Like I was a failure, like I was stupid, like I couldn't cope, like I was worthless.  I do not want to feel like that again.

I still feel like that a lot of the time, but when I would hurt myself it always intensified those feelings and made me feel a whole lot worse.  (But of course, I'd keep hurting myself... I really don't know why.  Maybe I got addicted to feeling anything at all, I don't know)

So because I remember how awful it was after I would hurt myself, it helps to keep from from going down that path again.

The main reason though, is that I had a self revelation when I was 19.  I had come to such a bad place I only had one decision before me, do I kill myself or do I find a reason to change?  It was horrible, but after a lot of soul searching I found a reason.  It didn't come from anyone else, it didn't come from physical things... the reason I found came from inside me.  I genuinely believe that the only way anyone can heal is if they look inside themselves and discover what is inside them that is worth living for.  And not just living, but enjoying life... not to feel happiness always, because that's impossible... but a way to find contentment with life, even when things go wrong.

My belief is that everyone is worth the same, no matter where they are from, how old they are, race, religion, gender or what they've done.  And I believed that for a long time... yet before I had my revelation, my feelings kept telling me that I was worth less than everyone else, that I didn't deserve love, that the things I'd done meant I should be punished. 

I was being a hypocrite without even realising it, believing one thing yet feeling and living another.  I decided I had to be able to look honestly at my life, without listening to the feelings of worthlessness and lies that were bombarding my brain.  It was as if I were looking at the life of a stranger, completely honestly. I was seeing flaws yes, but I also saw strengths that my feelings had refused to let me acknowledge in the past.  I saw that I do have worth, just as much as everyone else - no more, no less.  I saw that in fact I wasn't a failure at everything, and the things I had failed at - I could work on them and try again, or accept them, learn from them and move on.

Even now it's hard to type this, the depression in me hates when I talk about myself in a positive way... but just because I'm uncomfortable doesn't mean it isn't the truth.  Sometimes I have days where the lies overcome the truth, but I never slip back to self harm because I know it isn't the answer.

I think we all need to find and accept the truth about our worth, not just believe the lies that our illnesses push on our minds.  It's really hard to find and accept contentment with life, but it's worth it.  Because even though life can still be hard, I am now in control of how I feel - not the depression.  And that is worth it.  I wish that more people could find and believe the truth of their worth too.

[joey]

Wow your post is cool. 

Yeah i do remember it was a downward spiral now you mention it. That it made more problems than I started with and made me feel back. 

I guess it it pays to remember I would never hurt anyone else so why would I hurt myself. Good advice. Thanks. 

[scorch]

Thanks Joey.  I'm glad you liked my post 🙂

I hope the advice helps