complicated monster

[Mealiac]

i feel sad. I feel that I'm not good enough in how I look. Strangely enough I really like who I am, and people like me. I do well in my work, I have a fantastic husband, lovely friends. Overall it should be all good right? But I always can't help but thinking that if i was just skinnier, or more beautiful or hotter, my life would be better and easier. and so I hate myself and I hate my body, and I push my husband away and cause fights because he says im beautiful and he likes my body but i get so angry because i say he's lying and tricking me. Because i can't believe anyone would truly find me attractive and that he must be liking other girls secretly. I know i know i know. i sound like a psycho. then i apologise to him and say im sorry i didt mean it and thank you for the compliments and i love you. but deep in my heart none of my feelings about how ugly and fat i am ever get resolved and so then im constantly just feeling like im on my own to deal with my body issues.

the thing is i'm 173cm and 57kg, im a size 8-10. To most people they would say 'you are great' 'you look good'. but i guess i feel like unless im bloody Kendall Jenner on a runway with insane body and beauty im not good enough or anything. I don't know who else to talk to this about, as no one takes it seriously. I truely feel like a monster, i hate my freckle pale skin, my little eyes. I hated my lips so much I even got filler in them and I get botox regulalrly. Dont worry, dont judge me i dont look like a freak, in fact no one ever even suspects as it looks so natural. But even getting this done and having spray tans etc i still just feel like so horrible and worthless and pathetic because im so average. its so hard to look on social media and see beautiful girls literally having life handed to them on a platter, because people just are obessesed with their beauty. and it makes me jealous as i have to work so hard for everything i have, and if i was just beautiful my life would be easy.

I can't talk to my friends about this, as they just brush me off. I can't talk to my husband about it as he doesn't believe that i am monster. i dont know how to talk to anyone about this as i don't think they put the same standards on themselves. I don't want to have to pretend im beautiful, i'd like to actually be beautiful, but im not. Im super smart but the world doesnt give a damn about a smart woman. just her breasts and her ass

[quirkywords]

Welcome Mealiac to the forum,

This is a caring, friendly, supportive and nonjudgmental place.

It must be uncomfortable for you not to be able to talk about your feelings to your friends and family without having them dismissed.

I think many people reading your post would be able to relate to your honesty. This forum is a good place to say what you are really feeling without having to pretend to be something you are not.

I wonder have you always felt this way about the way you look or is something that has happened in the last few years.

One thing about the definition of beauty is it changes from culture to culture and has changed through out history.

Have you thought that just as people looking in on your life would think you have a great life and are very happy, that maybe some of the beautiful people you admire may not have great lives and maybe be dissatisfied with how they look.?

I can see that you have a need to resolve your body issues . Have you ever spoken or would you consider talking to counsellor or psychologist who is experienced in this area.?

I wanted to let you know you are not alone and that we are listening.

Please feel free to post here as much as you like.

Quirky