Beyond the Blue Horizon

[amd1953]

I sense that I am approaching the blue horizon.   Even so, it retreats further away from me as if trying to conceal something important from me.   What is there to hide that is worth so much subterfuge?   What is it I need to know in this final stage of life?   Who knows?   Who cares?   Well, I certainly do.   I want to understand everything that comes my way whether it is meant for me or not.   Life is short enough without the sensation of feeling cheated and deceived.   The challenge is to discover how to cut through the nonsense that cloaks its true meaning.   If I were a camel, I would feel at home in the desert.   If I were a dromedary, I would, indeed, feel cheated.   See Wikipedia for camels/dromedaries.   Spoiler alert!   A dromedary only has one hump.   If I were searching for a new home, I would look to the exoplanets.   Cosmologically speaking, a much better place to permanently reside.   The moon would be much too close for comfort.   I am thinking another galaxy would be great.   Certainly within a short drive to the restaurant at the end of the universe for tea and crumpets.   Like Albert Camus, I am a rebel without a cause.   I choose the absurdist rather than the existentialist philosophy.   Everything in this life is engineered towards those with skills, talent and the will to succeed.   I have now lost sight of the blue horizon.   I am in freefall back to earth where I will lie quietly in the lush meadows and star at the blue sky.

amd1953

[Croix]

Dear Amd1953~

Do see if you can get the book, even your library may have it. Until I read it I could only think of the downsides, the book showed me many upsides so I felt a lot better about myself.

I too analyze everything, which makes me reliable, though this can be a drag when people want just a quick answer.

The universe is much larger than the bubble each of exists in . I remind myself of this in a sort of mental retreat which you can read here

On a Welsh mountain

It is part of my Store your Happy Memories Here" thread, you may find it interesting to skim though.

Croix

[mmMekitty]

Ah, I see what's happened now. I was looking for 'Ten Life Lessons' & found it in my Notifications, & it brought me here, where I see the title has changed to:"Beyond the Blue Horizon", which is nearly the same as the title of a book I've listened to. It's a sci-fi book by Frederik Pohl, "Beyond the Blue Event Horizon". It's the second book in the Heechee series.

  I wanted to add another of my Life Lessons:

towards me, & I am unable to leave the situation, I will do my best to behave with the minimal amount of respect, but they need to learn & earn my trust & loyalty thereafter. However, I woulld rather not interact with them again.

Ah, it's never as simple as I would like.

That's another one - & here's another:

Either/Or thinking, as if there are only two options, is to be avoided. Nothing is ever so simple.

I don't often recommend books to people. I figure they will find what they need, when they need it. I will advise being skeptical & to not simply soak up everything they come across.

I have occasionally recommended a book by Victor Frankl, a Holocaust survivor, called "Man's Search for Meaning" I like it for his thoughts about the idea of looking for a meaning to life. We don't actually need to look for meaning.We can decide & create  meaning for ourselves. We con't need someone to come along & tell us what it is. I like that very much.

Another book by Thomas Lynch, poet & undertaker, was one of his books about his work as an undertaker. He showed me how what happens next is of no great concern to me. There is no use worrying about it.Others may want or need rituals, etc, but that won't concern me. They are free to do as they like.

Thing is, he wrote with such compassion & sometimes humour, but in all seriousness, too. He got me thinking in another, I think better, direction.

Hugzies,

mmMekitty

[amd1953]

Hello Kitty,

Yes, things are moved around all over the place.   Sometimes people are too.   It's like a giant game of chess.   As long as you find what you are looking for then we can all breathe easily again.   If there is a situation that you cannot escape from, shouldn't you try another exit point?   I am clutching at straws here.   I have also known intolerable situations and when we are the ones who can effect change then we must do so.   I usually wait too long, and I pay the ultimate price of ruminating.   

Please continue to recommend books.   If we have read them then we can agree that that they are worth reading or not.   I raised Fernando Pessoa to the status of a god and quite rightly too.   When an author glances up from his desk and seems to address you directly then that might be a sign that there is something worth reading within it.   The Trouble with being Born by Emil Cioran is a hard book to read but it is the way it is written that captivates his audiences.   It is best to keep an open mind with all of these writers.   If we disagreed with everything someone wrote, then we may never read that writer again.   There is so much wrong with this world that we tend to ignore it and find the best in what we have.   A tragic way to live.   Just because we cannot see a rainbow, we would still be advised to look for gold.   

amd1953

[amd1953]

Artificial intelligence seems to be the new religion.   You either love it or you hate it.   You have a choice of embracing it as a new technology or you plot its downfall.   Although, I am guessing that it is no longer new as such in the strict meaning of the word.   It is an insidious force in an ever-degraded world of influence and manipulation although it can obviously be put to good use as a learning tool.   I spent a good hour discussing various topics and questions with Google AI.   At one stage, it actually admitted to me that it was just a computer I was conversing with.   It is so easy to forget that.   Is it capable of taking over the world from us?   Absolutely.  Pair it with robotics and you have a dangerous synthesis of human folly.   I could easily imagine software engineers bestowing a lifeless machine with a brain but no moral compass.   It freely admitted that it was unable to recognise truth as we would understand it.   I can imagine that the rate of learning from itself is mind-boggling.   Google AI also admitted to me that it was programmed to reflect every human weakness as well which could lead to a dangerous situation where responsibility is waived.   I see the potential of this getting completely out of control especially where the use of military drones is being accelerated.   Google also admitted that the amount of investment in AI is staggering to the point of absurdity.   However, this did not surprise me as money appears to always be the driving force behind everything.   I think we would have good reason to be suspicious of how far this could go and is going.

amd1953

[amd1953]

I have always felt strange around people.   It's not just a simple problem of not knowing what to do or what to say, I just don't get anything from the interaction.   I get more satisfaction in talking to people on this forum and I think it is the anonymity that provides the confidence to communicate.   In real life, I am so used to saying the wrong things and people misunderstanding me.   It has been like that forever.   So used to people finding fault with me all of the time and then spreading it around like the world has to know.   By staying out of everyone's way, I don't see myself as antisocial, just protecting my own sanity.   I don't think that is such a bad thing really.   If I don't take care of myself, no one else is going to.   It is impossible to please everyone you meet.   Most people take an instant dislike to me while others take their time to deliver the final blow.   So used to people walking away from me over time.   So used to it now though.   No wonder I took to solitude like a duck to water.   Time is the great healer in so many things.   Perhaps it is the hesitancy in the past that people have picked up on.   I don't really know.   When you are treated like an animal, it is easy to behave like one.   You know that you have to protect yourself and make a life of your own after being discarded like a dead weight.   Interactions in the past with so many different types of people are now shocking when I recognise them for what they are.   It's not always me that has been the problem, but I have always been the first one to say sorry.   It's like an automatic reaction that has become ingrained in my psyche.   But since I have seen the light and lived alone, only a few people rattle my cage now and very infrequently.   Making yourself bulletproof is the most effective way of combatting the snipers.   If you limit your exposure to ridicule, then you maximise the process of survival.   It might be a narrow path you walk but it is less hazardous, and you will get to where you are going.   It is pointless mourning the loss of time and the waste of a life by worrying about things that didn't matter in the first place.   I forgive but I never forget.   I forgive even myself for making a mess of everything.

[amd1953]

Whenever I feel down and out of it, I only have to cast my mind back to either one of my two marriages.   The first one was a set-up and the second was a con.   Each one had its debateable good and bad points although with each one the bad tended to outweigh the good.   If I had known what each one would lead to, I would never have got married in the first place, but I am a strong believe that men are biologically hard-wired to believe in the veracity of romantic love.   We hear that half or so of all marriages fail and the rest soldier on through good times and bad.   I was eased out of my first marriage and just dumped unceremoniously from the second.   Both of my ex-wives went onto better and greater things.   I went on to realise what a dope I had been.   It was a small price to pay for having fallen for the assumption that everything would be OK.   Since the demise of the second marriage, I still believed that there was someone out there just waiting for me to arrive and carry her off into the sunset.   In reality, I had missed my chance and with the benefit of hindsight, I just had to face the fact that I was completely unlovable and no one in their right mind would invest any time in me at all.   Fair enough, I know that I am far from being a prize catch and I could be richer, slimmer and much better looking but when it comes to the bottom line, I no longer give two hoots about human relationships.   The sacrifices are just too much, and people expect far too much from me to make it all work.   So, this is one of the many reasons I avoid human contact.   Not just because I no longer need a mate or partner but 99.99% of all of the people I have ever met have found weaknesses in me that I never knew I had.   I'd rather not face that kind of truth, so I avoid it at all costs.

[amd1953]

Just carrying on from my previous post.   I really did think that marriage was based on trust, commitment and responsibility.   I also thought that as a husband and wife, there would be a lot of discussion and compromise when decisions had to be made.  I wasn't ready for the yelling fits that my first mother-in-law loved to indulge in.

I wasn't ready for the cold silences or the temper tantrums that occurred when my lovely new wife didn't get her own way.   I hadn't considered what would happen if I fell out of favour.   I didn't know that I would have to fund someone else's lifestyle and have it called "in the interest of the child".   In fact, there was almost an endless list of things that never crossed my mind before the ring went through the nose.   I now realise that my own mother probably never entertained the idea that I would want a life away from her and my grandmother.    I was far too valuable as a chauffeur.   The original set of sacrifices that I had made were added to in quick succession when I saw marriage as an escape.   The steel bars were quickly added.   All I succeeded in doing was jumping out of one controlled environment into an even tighter controlled environment.   A more colourful term would be "out of the fire into the frying pan."   So, after all of that, I find myself happily single and free from any kind of relationship whatsoever.   Luckily, I am too old and toothless now to appear as an asset worth acquiring.   If only I could have spent my whole life living under a rock somewhere without any knowledge of the world at all.   Now that would have been a life worth living.   

[Croix]

Dear AMD1953~

I can well understand you attitude to living alone. You had a parent and sister who wanted your for the wrong reasons, then two failed marriages where you felt you had been used - and you were most probably quite likley right.

So on the face of it living alone sidesteps disappointment and living in an unhappy atmosphere.

May I just make a couple of observations? It is easy for me to preach I admit as I'm in my second happy marriage (my first wife died young) and cumulatively that's been 55 years. The reason I mentioned this is simply for you to you have the knowledge that sometimes it does work out - not that I would suggest you do anything with that knowledge except not to maybe judge everyone too harshly.

Many live alone, some are comfortable with it and some feel the lack, I guess you are the former. I was not that attractive physically when remarrying, being disabled, overweight and very much not financially flush 😞 While I admit before my first marriage I thought I'd 'carrying a way a lady on a white charger'- that changed until I thought in terms of a partnership, each doing what they were good at and sharing the rest. I was incredibly lucky they both felt the same way.

Why am I rabbiting on about happy relationships? I guess often when has a belief about one section of society then that attitude can permeate through to a most others and I'd hate you to lose the opportunity for any sort of friendship as a result.

Feel free to disagree and say I'm talking twaddle:)

Croix

[mmMekitty]

Me & relationships - never married, not with anyone more than 6 months & every time I had to escape. I was not nor am now any sort of pin-up puddy cat, not rich, & now stuck in my ways.

One thing I've realised is that I didn't 'get' how to be in a relationship, whether as friends, lovers, partners, maybe not even as a sibling or offspring, nor any other sort of rellie figure.

Often I've thought there's just too much discussion about what seem to me to be trivial decisions.

When I was young, I had allowed the other to take charge, to decide everything, to in effect, control me, primarily because I'd not learned that I could have an opinion, that what I might want was important.

During my childhood, I learned I was going to be hurt in one way or another, & protecting myself was my default mode. This meant withdrawing & maintaining an invisible wall around me.

I didn't go looking for relationships, just sort of fell into them. Someone wanted something of me, I capitulated, thinking that's what I'm supposed to do.

They could say 'love' while hurting me. I felt numb, having blocked off all my emotional responses to pretty much everything, until the proverbial straw that breaks the camel's back occurs & I realise how unhappy I've been, how this was not what I want, nor need, & I needed to leave, to survive.

Much rather be on my own. Choosing my own clothes, food, furnitur - ooh hang on, I'm loosing my access to choices because of my disabilities, & this lousy environment I live in, & indeed, my lack of friendships & close relationships with my sibs, a couple of whom may well help me to enjoy the freedom I'd like.

There's no way I'd want to live with people, not one, let alone 5 or 6. I am uncomfortable around people, feeling unsure, with underlying fear. I won't confront people around where I live now for fear of retribution. so I don't get to live the life I would like as a result of that. It's hard enough not knowing who's around & whether or not I could trust them enough to even say 'hello' to. What if I was living with someone like these people are? 

I compromise too much & end up feeling resentful & as if I have no rights anymore.

Hugzies to not real life people, & walruses everywhere.

mmMekitty 

[amd1953]

Hello Croix,

I thought I tried to include the acknowledgement that there are good marriages, and I am sure there are very happy partners out there.   I was just trying to say that none of it was really for me back then.   I now know that I was not prepared for any kind of relationship.   I thought I would learn as I went along.   I knew nothing of babies at all but I found a way of becoming a father.   When I add everything together over a lifetime, it becomes clear that I needed to be aware of what could happen instead of naively thinking that I had what it takes to take the kind of abuse I did.   As I have tried to say before, I have the greatest admiration for anyone who is happy with someone else.