BEING POSITIVE what's the secret?

[white knight]

When the world is evil, people are cruel and nothing works out for you.How can you possibly rise up above it all?

We live on a cliff face. At any moment we could fall over it. I know now that by being positive I will never fall over it even though I still sit on that cliff edge.It's a paradox but that cliff face is a reminder of where I could have ended up had I not changed my thinking. I was programmed a boy of doom and gloom. I had to erase the tape and reboot.

There are two ways of changing from a negative person to a positive one. The first is shock. Attending a lecture or having a serious event in your life take place whereby you snap into positivity. The second is slowly changing your thinking process over time.

Whenever you are faced with a negative you have to replace it with a positive. How do we do that. It isnt easy and for some it isnt obvious at all. Here are some examples-

I'm miserable because its cold and raining outside - I'm happy that I'm warm and dry inside in front of a fire

My brother died at 27 and I was only 24yo - I'm proud of my brothers achievements over such a short life

I baked a cake and it was a failure - I baked a cake and left the egg out, I'll do better ext time

I had to wait at the doctors for 2 hours - The doctor might have had an emergency

I cant get out of bed - I am unwell today, I'm hoping I'll feel better tomorrow

I've been branded a snob - I am a quiet person but I am kind and considerate and dont need to prove it

You get the picture. It takes practice.  Some tragedies arent easy to swallow. We live in the country and seeing animals killed on the side of the road is hurtful. My wife and I tend to say to each other "well, if they were injured we'd get them to the refuge to give them a chance". 

Give it a go. Be persistent.  You will drop back into negativity often but keep trying. In the end like me you will sit on that cliff edge but one day you'll take a peak over the edge to realise the drop is only a few feet, not the kilometres it used to be.

[CrashCoyote]

Hi White Rose and fellow posters,

I don't know why the others on here can reach out. Some are quite prodigious.

I do it because I think it is how I am now. When I was growing up it was just my mum and my sister. Mum wasn't/isn't very stable and as the elder child I became the "man" of the house. It became a behavioural pattern for me, probably like people pleaser personalities or narcissists and so on. When I was old enough, I was so used to looking out for others I chose the profession where one can take on responsibility for the whole of society - policing. Anyway, that is what my psychologist tells me.

Also, I do find it cathartic.

Kind regards, John. 

[Jo3]

Hi John and others

This post has been interesting.

I come on here to (a) chat with others in similar situations (b) try to offer some advice help or just listening to someone (c) i am a caring person who feels for others so much.

I try to give the best advice that I know, not sure if it's always good but I try. Some of the posts here I can totally relate to and I understand what the others are going through.

I feel that when I am so down and have horrible thoughts I come on here, I think, to block out my pain and thoughts. Sometimes I come on here to help others because I feel that I don't deserve help or feel special at all.  I am just an ordinary working class women who has a mental illness and struggling with childhood memories of sexual abuse. I really try to change but some days I am not so sure if I will ever change. Will there ever be a light at the end of the tunnel?

Jo

[geoff]

dear John and all the other wonderful people, what I was going to say such as ' she could help other people address their issues but could not do the same for herself' was maybe she was in denial, but then WR said ' that allows us to put aside our own feelings, our anxieties, fears, sadness, guilt and general awfulness to help others', so it probably has been shot down like a turkey.

I often wonder when I see a psych one of my questions to them is 'have you suffered from depression', and there are 2 answers to this, firstly that they know and understand depression and have then built up a barrier to stop them suffering again, and secondly if this barrier has not been set up then they are likely to have a relapse, which then means that a large majority of us have built this barrier so that we can look after someone else.

I have to ask the question and this is the world population is 7 billion, so if there is a god it would seem infeasible for who ever to look after all these people, and this doesn't include unborn babies, and what about people who are terminally sick, people who will be sick in a years time and so on.

Insurance companies won't pay out if it's an act of god, is this because the payout would be so enormous with multiple people claiming which would send them broke, convenient.

I have taken out a health insurance for Moo-Moo, but when trying to claim, the fine print is so small, I won't receive anything, because they say 'the policy doesn't cover this', is this an act of god, sorry, but as you can tell I have no belief in it, but everyone has their own opinion.

I realise that this discussion could last forever, but I don't mind. Geoff.

[white knight]

I'm an athiest but I envy those with religious beliefs. They have a greater force to which is always over their shoulder watching and supporting. I tried years ago to 'see' what it was they saw so compelling in, in this case, Christianity. But alas, after reading the bible twice I finally conceded it came down to faith and I didnt have it.

Nevertheless it was enlightening that Christianity has good intent so I adopted its intent and practice its message. So in the end I found my own square hole where my own square peg fits. My own comfort zone.

I once rode on a country fire truck on the way to a fire. My friend passed by on his way to church. Later he told me he porayed for me, that I would be ok and that the fire would be put out.  The fire came within 3 kilometres from his home. I had to reply "I'd preferred you helped hold my hose". So there are some issues I have with traditional religion. Not to mention the abuse issue.

I digress. I have worked for 3 councils as a dog ranger many years ago. I worked hard but it was never seen by the public.  Recently I rang my local council to ask for a koala sign on each end of a stretch of road where koalas have been killed in numbers. The council rang me two days later, they had approved the signs and told me they would be erected within two weeks. That was last week.  In my glee I notified my local residence via a community email system. The several comments I got back were negative. "lets hope they are erected by xmas", hope they erect them where you told them to, their track record isnt good" you get the picture.  If they are not erected within one month I would ring them direct and ask when they will be erected. etc.  Negativity seems rampant throughout all communities and it comes even after something positive occurs. I'm suggesting that being positive means a constant battle against an enemy. It isnt always a smooth road.

[Stitch]

Hi everyone.

Although I consider myself to be a "glass half full" kinda gal, I have been unable to see the positive side of my life to date. 

I agree with White Rose when she wrote "We do not experience anything, good or bad, necessarily because of our own actions, but often because of the actions of others. 

My life has been one of constant reaction to other peoples actions towards me to the point that I no longer harbour any belief that I can change my life for the better.  I feel completely powerless.

My ability to continue to earn a living depends on whether my boss renews my contract.  Whether I get a (much needed) good nights sleep depends on my noisy neighbours.  Not being able to afford to replace my disintegrated tooth is due to my recent 2 years of unemployment which used up my meagre savings.  My workplace injury was entirely my bosses fault.  She forced me to continue with a work process that hurt me, even after I told her.

I haven't been able to determine my own fate at all.  And it's a constant source of grief. 

When I hear some slap happy, privileged little git on telly saying that if "you work hard enough, you can acheive anything" I want to reach inside the screen and haul them down to the nearest soup kitchen so they can see for themselves that their theory is wrong.  At the very, least I'd encourage them to read a couple of copies of the "Big Issue" magazine, particularly the vendor profiles. 

No matter how hard you try or how smart you may be, bad stuff can happen to you and there's nothing you can do except pick your self up, dust yourself off and keep on going.   Life can certainly be unfair and unjust and we have less control over our  lives than we think.

I had a sadistic, bully of a mother and a family who failed to protect me and to date I haven't been able to "rise above it" and see the positives.  

Sure, an upbringing like that made me incredibly self-reliant to the point that when I was kicked out of home, I was able to find emergency accommodation and a job to pay the bills, buy clothes, food, clothing etc.  But it also left me without a place to belong and a profound sense of lonliness that persists to this day.

Freed from such a dangerous environment was great.  No one would beat me up or make me cry again.  But then I met the outside world and it was just as dangerous.  It took all my skills of survival to avoid the worst of what could happen to a homeless 15 year old girl.  This sharpened my senses and I learned alot about human nature but it left me feeling convinced that the world is populated by a*******s.  And like Jo3, it's changed me into a different person - one that I don't like very much. 

You know when people say "Family is the most important thing in the world" and   "When you don't have family, you have nothing"?  Not having a family is a constant source of grief for me and no amount of positive thinking can alleviate the hurt.

I volunteer at a soup kitchen twice a month because I really like helping people and because there's always someone else worse off than yourself that could do with a hand.  I do feel like I belong there but it's not a family.

I've spent my whole life trying to figure out the why's of my existence.  Trying to make sense of it and trying to see the silver lining.  But not enough good stuff has happened to outweigh the bad stuff.  I think that's the key you know? 

I have this fantasy of something so monumentally wonderful happening to me that all the bad stuff just doesn't matter any more.  That there will be this huge "payoff" to make up for all the crap.

But I'd settle for a smile and a kind word from a friend.

This has been a really long post -sorry.  Feeling a bit crappy.

Going to go and hide under the doona now . . . . . . .

[White_Rose]

Dear Geoff and others

What I was trying to get at was how can we access some part of us, some inner strength to help others.  And yet fail to access that same inner knowledge for ourselves when we  are in distress.  Why is this so?  We know!  How can we not act?  But this is what (doesn't) happen.  Geoff, you say we have built up a barrier, but so often it gets breached, at least that is my experience.

It seems to me that, on the whole, we can reach out to others and put aside our own pain.  What a wonderful expression of love towards our fellow people.  Still doesn't tell me how I do it or how anyone else can do it.  Just that it does happen.

Re your Act of God, did you ever see the film "The Man Who Sued God"?  It was great.  He actually sued the heads of all religions on the grounds that they were God's representatives and therefore liable for acts of God.

Re who looks after the huge world population?   You may, or may not, have realised I have a deep faith in God.  Don't let that put you off.  I enjoy a good debate.  As humans we cannot begin to look after all the people and certainly not single-handed.  So it is a reasonable question to ask, how can God look after everyone. 

For me there are two answers, not necessarily at odds with each other.  First answer is I don't know.  The second answer is that I will never know while I see God in human terms as a benevolent old gentleman with beard, a sort of Santa Claus who goes around giving out presents to all the good children.  The Divine is unknowable and as soon as he (sic) is reduced to a human image we stop knowing.  So I leave it at that.

Insurance companies are a different matter.  They are in the business of making money, as are all commercial ventures.  We need to always remember this and act accordingly.  So they carefully calculate the odds, do their sums and come up with a winning strategy for them.  Individuals get some recompense but overall the company wins.  It's the same with a casino.  Some punters can and have won huge amounts, but the house wins every time.

To go back to insurance companies.  In the last Brisbane floods one company gained huge kudos and respect because they paid out on all their flood claims, unlike many of the others who refused claims for all sorts of reasons.  On the face of it the 'good' company made a loss.  Except of course that it didn't.  People changed their insurance to this company on the basis that it was fair and honest and the next year the premiums tripled.  Who was better off?  In the end it was the company which emerged whiter than snow and with a towering reputation.  All successes are not necessarily monetary.

This relates to White Knight's question.  At least I think it was WK but it may have been Geoff.  Credit where it is due.  All successes are not monetary so although many people are born into wealth or acquire wealth are they successful?

How do you define success when you wake in the morning.  Is it because you have woken and are still alive?  Perhaps you have enough food and clothing, access to good medical treatment?  Friends and family?  These things are the obvious but what other successes do you have.  Are you happy?

Well in the middle of a depressive episode, no I am not.  I count success when I start to crawl out of it, try and look at what I have learned and hopefully use that knowledge the next time.  Does it work?  Not always and I agree with whoever said the wealthy have more resources when life goes pear-shaped.  But at the risk of sounding 'goody' my success or not, depends on me.  I am so very grateful for all the help I get and I know I would not travel as far or as fast as I have, on my own.

But no amount of money or help will get us over the line on those dark days without our willingness and determination to get there.  So I can count that as my success.

I have a feeling I have also got off the subject so I will close here.  I could exchange views for hours if we could talk in real time.  But as this is not possible I will chat in cyber space.  While we are all talking to each other we will get better.

White Rose

[CrashCoyote]

Hi Jo,

Thank you for the post. You should be my PR manage for internet dating sites! But like all of us, I am nobody special, or at least no more special than anyone else that has the courage to face their ***t and share with the others. We are all pretty special on this site but some of us only see it in the others, not in ourselves.

I noticed in your post that you yearn for the close family and said that if they were, "that would make me happy". I'd urge you to not put your happiness at the mercy of others. Like a child trying to win affection from an abusive parent, trying to elicit a response from someone that you think will make you happy is doomed from the start. 

Your happiness is in your hands, which is what I think the whole CBT thing is about. You have successfully made a family environment with your children and their partners and it is there you will find the happiness. That is not to say that you are not sad for the other, it is just that being sad about some things does not preclude being happy about others. There's that damned CBT again!

I'll let you in on a secret, too, I don't feel special some days either! It is okay.

We are all on your side so as long as you keep posting, we're gonna keep replying.

I never thought I'd be quoting the "wisdom" of Bill Clinton, but how is this? "If you live long enough, you'll make mistakes. But if you learn from them, you'll be a better person. It's how you handle adversity, not how it affects you. The main thing is never quit, never quit, never quit." William J. Clinton.

Kind regards, John.

[Jo3]

John

Some days are harder than others. while lying in bed right now i am crying because i feel so left out from family. i know i have my own family  as in kids and their partners. So that's what i need to focus on more. It's still sad though.

making mistakes is such a hard thing for me to accept, because in my head making a mistake means i am a failure. i don't know where this comes from maybe my parents, in particular, my mum. i remember growing up fearing of making a mistake.

 so many things are wrong at the moment - i took yesterday and today off work because my back was sore again and i was having spasms. So i sent a text to my manager and that was okay (or so i thought).

I was speaking to a friend who works with me and she told me that the manager, who loves to "bag" everyone was saying yesterday morning - oh i don't think Jo likes to work on mondays because she must struggle, as she is away today. i think i will approach her and see if she doesn't want to work on monday's i will ask someone else. maybe Jo has mondayitis!!!!  when i heard that i was really angry. I have only had 2 monday's off - one yesterday and one the week before while away on holidays.

And how dare she talk behind my back to all the staff loud so customers can hear as well.  I don't take days off just for having a day off. i take it off  because i am either sick or on annual leave.

i am upset this morning because i feel i have been judged by others who know nothing about me. And actually this manager does know i was in hospital and she also has a mental illness (bipolar) so she should be more understanding and not talk behind people's back.

 So what do I do? Sit back and do nothing, cry, or say something. I have a doctor's appt tomo so i will get a certificate for the two days off work and i will tell my GP what was said.

I know it's all hearsay but i believe my friend as she is only warning me because she knows as she heard I will be approached by the manager.

 OMG - i have diverted so much off this topic. I'm sorry John.

Jo

[CrashCoyote]

Good morning, Jo,

 

Thank you for your post. I am confident you will be able to focus more on the family you have around you. It is sad about the other, but you cannot change how they are. Be proud of your mistakes. They are what we learn from. They are what we later call in life, “experience”. Everyone makes them, they are a part of life. 

When I was a (young) operational policeman, I used to get a complaint here and there from people I had arrested or written a ticket to or whatever. My boss came to see me once about the latest complaint and I told him I was upset because I tried very hard to be fair and polite in doing my duty. He said to, “Son, if you didn't get complaints you wouldn't be doing your job.” I have heard it said that the only people that don't make mistakes are the ones who do nothing. So I think you should keep on making mistakes.

Oh, and the boss thing, office politics! Not all managers are good managers. I was a supervisor for a long time and it is never appropriate to publicly criticise employees – even if they did do something wrong! Criticism is for private discussion, praise can be public but not criticism. Try not to dwell on it. 

I used to work twelve hour shifts, four days a week, as did my team. One day the boss called me into his office to say that he found many of the team members were taking a sick day the day before or after their days off. I said, “So half the sick leave is taken on the two days before or after days off and the other half is taken in the middle of the block of working days?” He thought about it and said, “Oh, yeah. Fair enough.” Sometimes management want to see the worst in staff and struggle with objectivity. That is their mistake, not yours. 

I hope your back eases up a bit. Maybe a nice, hot Radox bath and a bit of soft music and a bit of “Jo” time will help. 

Kind regards, John.

[Jo3]

What is "Jo" time - that NEVER happens!!

But I like the idea of the radox bath.

John, I know I am too hard on myself and it's easy for people to say oh just change. It's not that easy, especially when I've been "brain washed" by my controlling, manipulative mother. And I had to do everything her way, it was her way or no way.

So now for me to change it's difficult, it's hard work, yes I do want to change (well part of me does) and part of me doesn't because it's too easy to stay in my comfort zone.It's scary to move away from my comfort zone.

Yeah, i get what you're saying about making mistakes - but it's still difficult for me to get my head around this one because of failure.

I'll keep working on it.

Keep forgetting to ask you John - how was your second date??  LOL

Jo