Anti social and trouble maker me

[white knight]

I'm 58 and a male. Recently retired on a pension with my wife, my carer. Diagnosed with Bipolar 2, dysthymia anxiety and depression. Likely had ADHD when young.  I started seeing a psychiatrist in 2003, well after my roller coaster life had begun at 18. At 17 I joined the military then alcohol was my demon, not that I liked it but it turned me into the village clown.  By 20 I was discharged and by 25yo I'd owned 50 cars and worked at 30 jobs.  I was and still am super sensitive and I tend to ruin relationships mainly in clubs and large organisations.

To better understand my background my father died around 1992 and my mother has, I beleive, to be Borderline Personality Disorder.  As we know if someone has big issues and lives in denial then you have little choice but to leave them and that is what my sister and I have done. Harsh? Well no, when it comes to survival and thats how serious it had become up until 2009 when I made that decision. I've read up a lot on how children are effected by a parent with BPD. It can be complex but I know my problems are far worse than had I not had a BPD mother.  I got the most out of an online article by Lawson      it covers the 4 personalities I had to deal with, the witch, the queen, the hermit and the waif.  My mother has all 4.. Of course I couldnt deal with them.

Now I am left with the effects. I know I am on the correct medication for all ills and am settled with my kind wife.  But where it comes to interpersonal relations I'm a disaster.  In one club I had a disagreement and what followed was an abusive private message eg "take more medication" etc I'm free about my illnesses and it has worked against me. What follows is my expectation that all clubs should take up the issues of abuse and "fix it".  But they usually dont.  And in my case they didnt. Which left me angry and what followed was confrontation with an explosion of anger.  A few members supported me and helped, most didnt. Then you get the mob mentality, the talk behind your back and the ostrisizing which is another form of bullying.  Eventually you know the only way forward is to leave.  Let the able minded be without the burden of us that have caused their own inherited problems?.  I've apologised to several and no acceptance was forthcoming making me feel worse.

This has all resulted in me withdrawing slowly from society, scared to befriend anyone in case they turn out to be a bully.  Social media hasnt helped overall.    Even then you'll get an odd post with a double meaning that could be directed at me. So I reduced my friends list from 170 to 40.  Its better now but it doesnt answer the whole problem picture.

There is another side to me.  My user name 'white knight' is a hint.  I'm not really a white knight.  The white knight syndrome is a person that helps others but eventually wants a reward for what they have done.  I help others without wanting reward.  Parents that have lost their children is one aspect. To be supportive and kind, an ear, is what I like to do.  Sometimes it doesnt work out, other times I have ended up with incredible friends.  So I'm a grey knight lol.

I'm concerned as I've been ostricized by two clubs now.  It cant be that both clubs are evil. It has to do with my over reactions and confrontations and not fitting in.  Cognitve deficiency is what I call it.  Somehwer ein my childhood I didnt learn street wisdom, the right time to say certain things and the wrong time to say certain things. .  For some reason I want to be popular, needed and loved. But the love one gets from club members ends up pretty shallow.  Then I think I'm better off in my shed buried in my hobbies and try to stop thinking about all this stuff.  Easier said than done.  

I came up with a plan once.  To act mute.  To signal to people that I am mute. Then I'd never get into trouble. Of course that was silly. I seem quite strong but my hold on life is paper thin.  Wonder if other feel this way and what do you do to enhance your social acceptance. 

[JessF]

Hello white knight, just wanted to say first that I'm enjoying your poems popping up and the advice you're giving people along with it. I love reading people's different approaches and responses and it's nice to see some creativity and you finding a place to share it.

I empathise with much of your story. I was given a book about the white knight syndrome by my psychologist, as she said I suffered from it. Many of my relationships have been destroyed by it, but I am able to recognise these traits now and I hope that it will help me in the future to find some more healthy interactions, and maybe one day in the future, love. But I know that I don't have to be with a man to complete me. 

I agree with you that social media can be a double edged sword. The use of the word 'friend' on Facebook is a bit of a hijacking in my view, many of the people we connect with online are not friendsi n the true sense at all, and it gives us a distorted view of the world. I am not on there any longer and it has been healthy for me, it means I have had more time to focus on my 'real' life. I limit my internet time and recognise my interactions there for what they are, pleasant and stimulating but they can't replace real friends and real people.

It's very difficult when a loved one has a mental illness, especially if its a parent. We can understand and forgive all we like, but when it causes destructive behaviour we have to protect ourselves at some point. It has clearly had a big effect on your life but I am so pleased to hear your journey has taken you to a place where you know yourself and are still not afraid to reach out, even though you have been burned. I hiope to read more of your posts soon.

[white knight]

Dear JessF,  After reading your post it made me feel so good and well- thrilled in a mild way.  I hope I am on here regularly...suppose it depends on my endurance and state.  It's good that someone else has white knight syndrome and has addressed it.

Yes, its nice helping others.  It's what we are on this planet for.

I very much agree with you that one doesnt need a partner.  My second wife of 3 years I've known most of my life so she was ..the lucky one lol.

Thankyou