Accepting yourself, the frog and the scorpion

[white knight]

As part of your "staying well" program, accepting yourself for being YOU is crucial, almost a fundamental need if you want to move forward with your life and put your illness behind you in terms of the worry. Your goal should be to get on with life with your illness as part of you, your meds taken as part of a nightly ritual barely entering your mind.

Those that don't know about the "frog and the scorpion" story briefly it goes like this.

A scorpion eager to get to the other side of the river asked a frog to transport him there in his back. The frog refused telling the scorpion that he'd sting him once he got there and he'd die. The scorpion insisted he wouldn't kill him so the frog took him to the other side. Almost at the bank the scorpion sung the frog and before dying the frog asked the scorpion (that was drowning)why he did that as he pledged he wouldn't....the scorpion replied "because its in my nature"....then both died

The story has an almost daily place in my thoughts because all day everyday there are behaviours and actions, thoughts and fears that are there due to our "nature". We are who we are,..to an extent. That doesn't mean that if we rob a bank and get caught we say to ourselves "well that's me, I'm a bank robber and so be it, I wont change". It means that some of our characteristics, our responses, our humour our judgements and so on are essentially how we individually operate often like no other person on this planet. Every person has their right to individuality, there is no other like you (twins and triplets excluded) and there never will be.

We should, as part of "staying well" value that, cradle it, nurture it and ...promote it within you and to everyone around you.

How do we carry out this? Baby steps is essential.  I notice this uniqueness among many. Jess Rowe a channel 10 celebrity (and BB ambassador) has a loud snort when she laughs. It's her, it is not intentional and some might find it unsavoury. She has mentioned it at times, that "it's me". It indeed is and I find that snort hilarious. I don't see it as a reason to dislike her...but some would.

We live in a judgemental world and some will never accept us for being ourselves. We need that to sink in. We cannot "save the world" by wanting a blanket acceptance.

So should we be the frog or the scorpion? Well the scorpion survives right! But we are not scorpions, we the ones on these pages are frogs that need to develop a little more wisdom wary of who you oblige.

Tony WK

[white knight]

Hi Karen

Sometimes clarifying things help.

By saying "accepting yourself" it meams who you are in personality and character. It doesmt mean accepting where you are in terms of your illness.

Eg accepting ourselves for the errors we've made, our flaws etc because thats our nature and our nature is a powerful tattoo....permanent.

Acceptance rather than internal struggle. Take your time lovely.

Tony WK

[Elizabeth CP]

I agree with Tony.

To me accepting yourself means accepting yourself as you are now including accepting or acknowledging the things which led to that including things which were out of your control. This then allows you to move forward putting in place any measures needed to succeed or at least reduce the risks of things going horribly wrong.

For example someone close to me experienced a severe episode of PND with a long period of hospitalisation & treatment for several years until she was recovered enough to lead a normal life. She decided she wanted another child but accepting herself meant accepting that she was at high risk of another relapse which she didn't want for herself or her family. Rather than giving up she sought professional help to wean herself off the medications & to both monitor her & remind her & her husband of the signs that things were going wrong. She remained mindful of the things which were likely to trigger a relapse so she could avoid them. With this support & her acceptance of her limitations or weaknesses she succeeded in her goal. She still has bouts of depression & anxiety but she has learnt to recognise the signs & takes steps to care for herself.

My point is accepting yourself means accepting your strengths , weaknesses & history but you can then use this to help you succeed in doing the things which you want which means you can change many aspects of yourself.

[white knight]

Hi Elizabeth so good to hear from you again

precisely, to accept our nature and our capacities is to maximise our capacities without excess expectations of ourselves.

Very realistic.

Tony WK

[Ggrand]

Hello Tony and Elizabeth,

I read through the thread, I think I understand now what you mean.

Please correct me if I'm wrong..

I am at the present time, introverted, shy, afraid, absolutely no confidence at all, (no I'm not putting me down, don't think that). These I have already accepted, I'm just trying to work something out.

Ok on the other hand going by what I have been told here by a few people, I'm am also gentle, kind, compassionate, caring. These I haven't accepted as yet. I think because no one ever told me this before and it's hard for me to accept "yet".

Now if I worked on the first lot, introverted etc: by using your 2nd post with your suggestions to use daily, will the second lot ie:- gentle etc. fall into place by them selves. Or do I try and accept the 2nd lot:- gentle etc, and then will the first lot:- introverted etc: improve, in the way that I could become more unafraid of people. and be able to socialise a bit better, (with proff help as well).

I think life experiences by champions and (others as well). here are also needed to win this battle. You have been through this and you have experienced this, you are proof that it works, tried and tested. I did read also short, medium,long term goals, Really sorry but I'm not a bright person and need a bit of help with these three goals. , what would you consider , short..medium...long.

Probable not making sense to you Tony, but I know what I want to ask, but it doesn't seem to sound right when I checked it, maybe you can work out what I'm trying to ask you.. if not please let me know.

kindness only, GG

[white knight]

Hi gg

Karen yes I think I follow.

To use a metaphor. Say we are all ships at sea. You are a slow small boat with a poorly running engine and a big ding on your bow. You are batteted and bruised. Most boats in the world are 10 times your size and sail past carrying large cargo. Some ships are huge....they are politicians, company owners.

Im a tug boat. I saw you and I'm tugging you along. I'm a mechanic too and I'm trying to get your engine going better as are other champs.

You sometimes visit a marine shop (psychs). And a marina (your children).

But your focus is on those countless larger boats and you strive to be one. But Karen, you can never be a large boat! So why try? It will lead to disappointment

It would be much more effective to get your engine running the best you could. Get a panel beater to fix the bow. Add a roof to shield you from pain and fear.

In a sense you aim to get your boat to perform at its maximum capacity. This maximum performance is the best you will ever be healed. To aim higher is unrealistic and will be counter productive.

Short term plan might be to plug the leaks to just keep you afloat and be content with that so you dont sink. You are waving to other damaged boats now.. Medium plans could include new seats, windscreen and new clothes for better comfort and long term plans might include a new engine that will almost make you as fast as those bigger boats. And a tow rope to tug along broken boats as we tugged you along.

now, in the case of what aspects do you "work on"? . The problematic ones you listed first are a higher priority. Your second list eg compassionate, caring etc are more part of your nature more like the kind frog. In fact those parts of your personality only need to be cradled and valued by you. They are the boat itself. They are YOU.

So focus on the damaged goods. Lack of confidence, shyness, negative or intrusive thoughts can be somewhat overcome in time and with a mix of all guidence possible plus meds etc.

As with the frog and the scorpion both animals will never be any other animal. Karen will always be kind and compassionate..

Your nature is secure, it wont go anywhere. Thats why we adore you.

Tony WK

[Ggrand]

Hello Tony,

I really appreciate all the time and typing you put into that answer to help me understand.. I seem to understand these metaphor descriptions rather then straight out talk, I am sure I understand now, (well 85%). That's all I need to understand for now.

I will always be a little tug boat,,but that's ok Tony, Not sure when or how I'm going to do this, or for that matter if I can do it but I'm going to try hard to fix me because, this little tug boat doesn't ever, ever want to sink that far ever again, way to painful to start repairs from under the deck.

This little tug boat wants to be the best she can, with what she has onboard, then she may start to feel better about life and herself, and be able to tug some other broken tugs out of the water before they start to sink...Sounds like a plan, just a small plan but I can try to make it work.

Thank you again Tony, Doesn't seem enough just saying thanks, you have helped me so much, and well, probably be still helping me in the future, as well....You are so appreciated, and a special person to me.. 🦅🦅🦅.

Kindness , always to you Tony,

Karen. xxx.

PS...I secretly named your horse when you first answered me on my thread,,. Rudolf is Nice. But ...

I call him..StarLight,, To get out of a dark tunnel, you first need to look towards a Star then you see the Light. StarLight..

xx

[Elizabeth CP]

Hi Karen, I think Tony makes some excellent points. You mentioned I'm am also gentle, kind, compassionate, caring. These I haven't accepted as yet. I think because no one ever told me this before and it's hard for me to accept "yet". Learning to recognise the positive parts of ourselves is important I believe to help feel worthwhile.Knowing what I'm doing right helps me find the strength to work on improving areas needing improving. One way to do this is to listen when someone says something nice & then think about what you did or said which gave them that idea. You can then do this more often. For example when I was working clients would comment on how I seemed to understand. I then made sure I continued acting in an that way knowing it helped me clients. I hope this makes sense.

[Ggrand]

Hello Elizabeth, Tony,

Thank you both so much for your suggestions and help, they are very much appreciated. Not sure but I'm thinking maybe this could be one of the first steps I need try in starting to heal my broken mind and soul.

Kindness only.

Karen.

[Elizabeth CP]

Hi Karen, I thought I would share a way I use accepting myself to help.

Like you I am shy & not very confident. I get flustered when there are lots of people & find doing things in front of others difficult as I feel like I can't measure up to what I think they expect. Acting as if it isn't a problem just leads to more stress but I still want to get together with my family which is quite large so I try to prepare everything ahead of time so food can be put in the oven quickly & dealt out easily. I try to have the table set & everything in place before anyone arrives. This means I feel in control & can relax when everyone is there. It stops me feeling so overwhelmed trying to cope with competing demands when people arrive. Obviously your issues & solutions will be different. The important thing is accepting what she are like, what are the problems you want to avoid & then what can you do to succeed allowing for your limitations & the circumstances.

[Ggrand]

Hi Elizabeth, It sounds like you have Christmas preparations under control..Well done.

I have never had the opportunity to host a Christmas Party, I can only imagine how hard it would be to do so.

I think people are putting pressure on themselves trying to live up to the expectations of others. It's only here on BB forums that I've been told nice things about me, even though we are all annomonus, I still get embarrassed when reading these words directed at me. I also feel like a fraud in accepting this part of me, because I'm hiding behind an iPad. Outside of my 4 walls I cannot deal with people. I like and care for them, but they just scare me.

My limitations for these kind words, I'm supposed to accept is for only here on the forums, but outside in the real world I can't accept it, because I'm not like that to others because I can't talk to them. Catch 22 situation,

Im sorry if I have misunderstood you again, but I'm just curious, How would you accept it in my situation? I suppose I'm looking for another way of looking at this. I hope I made a little bit of sense

kindness only.

Karen.