Accepting yourself, the frog and the scorpion

[white knight]

As part of your "staying well" program, accepting yourself for being YOU is crucial, almost a fundamental need if you want to move forward with your life and put your illness behind you in terms of the worry. Your goal should be to get on with life with your illness as part of you, your meds taken as part of a nightly ritual barely entering your mind.

Those that don't know about the "frog and the scorpion" story briefly it goes like this.

A scorpion eager to get to the other side of the river asked a frog to transport him there in his back. The frog refused telling the scorpion that he'd sting him once he got there and he'd die. The scorpion insisted he wouldn't kill him so the frog took him to the other side. Almost at the bank the scorpion sung the frog and before dying the frog asked the scorpion (that was drowning)why he did that as he pledged he wouldn't....the scorpion replied "because its in my nature"....then both died

The story has an almost daily place in my thoughts because all day everyday there are behaviours and actions, thoughts and fears that are there due to our "nature". We are who we are,..to an extent. That doesn't mean that if we rob a bank and get caught we say to ourselves "well that's me, I'm a bank robber and so be it, I wont change". It means that some of our characteristics, our responses, our humour our judgements and so on are essentially how we individually operate often like no other person on this planet. Every person has their right to individuality, there is no other like you (twins and triplets excluded) and there never will be.

We should, as part of "staying well" value that, cradle it, nurture it and ...promote it within you and to everyone around you.

How do we carry out this? Baby steps is essential.  I notice this uniqueness among many. Jess Rowe a channel 10 celebrity (and BB ambassador) has a loud snort when she laughs. It's her, it is not intentional and some might find it unsavoury. She has mentioned it at times, that "it's me". It indeed is and I find that snort hilarious. I don't see it as a reason to dislike her...but some would.

We live in a judgemental world and some will never accept us for being ourselves. We need that to sink in. We cannot "save the world" by wanting a blanket acceptance.

So should we be the frog or the scorpion? Well the scorpion survives right! But we are not scorpions, we the ones on these pages are frogs that need to develop a little more wisdom wary of who you oblige.

Tony WK

[Guest_2350]

Thank you Tony.

[Guest_1055]

Hey Tony

I understand we are all unique and rare. And that there is absolutely no one on this whole earth that is exactly the same as us. Like no one soul is the same. But my question is how does one accept oneself, when you don't even know who you are?

Hugs

Shelley xx

[white knight]

Hi Shelley Anne,

You don't know who you are?. ok. If you are a frog you would look like a frog. This is not futile or silly statements. This is making it clear, clarifying things to you.

Shelly Anne, a person I've never met would look like a woman with colour of hair, a hair style, a face and so on, all different than others walking down a street. That is a beginning, a start to realise and accept that you are you...on the outside.

On the inside its a totally different thing. There are many reasons someone feels they have no identity, uniqueness, character or personal flair. I'm guessing their childhood has a lot to do with it, at some point they remained mentally as a bland character and once grown up feel that they never developed a personality....or at least one that they saw as being unique or lovable. And as long as that feeling exists the days and years flow on and its kind of wasted, because they are not rejoicing as an individual for loving yourself and being your own unique character that you embrace, is one of the most rewarding feelings on earth. If you don't have this Shelley Anne, then it should be your person quest to find it. How? I'll list them as order of importance

1/ Being positive about EVERYTHING!! Some people think they are positive but when you are a positive person you find good sides in everything. And, if so you will see clearly those that are negative.

2/ Rejecting unproductive criticism and bullying. Acknowledge that a good percentage of people are jealous, angry, aggressive and want to hurt you for frivolous reasons. Stand clear of them. Don't waste your time trying to change the bad apples into good oranges.

3/ Identifying what is unique about yourself. Nobody can tell me they aren't unique and beautiful people. You are Shelly Anne, you just have to find what people like me see in you. Being on BB is one unique thing you do that others around you don't!!

4/ Praising yourself and loving yourself. It works. After my first marriage breakdown I lived in a 10 foot caravan and daily looked into it and said aloud "you are a good man regardless of what she says and deserve a good partner". I'm happily married again.

You ask "How do I do that if I don't know myself"? you use tenacity, fight, gritting your teeth and pursue it and never give up. This is what determined humans do when they need to.

And it has to come from YOU! and you can do it.

Tony WK

Surrounding yourself with wonderful people

[JessF]

Thank you for this, Tony. It's very hard to make these things into a habit, but we have to persevere at it. The mind is like a garden, we can't just plant seeds and expect it to flourish forever without having to tend. Just because there are weeds, doesn't make the garden bad, or worthless. It's just a part of life. 

[Guest_1055]

Hello Tony

Thankyou for all your time you gave to me, in replying to my post. I really appreciate it and you. 

I have read your reply to me several times now. But I have to be truthful I can only understand bits of it. I have no idea why my brain just can't comprehend deep logical things. If it was an emotionally issue, yep I would probably understand that much more clearly.

So I will try hard to pull your words apart bit by bit.

I am pretty sure I understand about the outside of a person. That is we all look different, our physical features. Different colour hair, different shaped arms, different looking face. And I understand that the human body is like a vessel really. It carries around our soul, or 'who we were' created to be, the person us......... So is my understanding correct regarding your second paragraph Tony?

Ok the next paragraph....Yes I understand that 'who we are'  or our soul is different to the physical body or vessel.

I can't pull apart much more now, Tony. Please be reassured I want to understand. And will try again later. So I hope that is OK

With much appreciation to you

Shelley xx

[white knight]

Hi Shelley Anne,

Yes, you are sort of on the right track. You indicate that emotionally you could understand more.

What is it about your emotions that has dictated your life?. What has been your diagnosis? For example- I am extremely sensitive, emotionally I get so low I write highly emotional poetry. I waver, low mood high mood, sad then happy. This is now limited due to the correct medication for me.

So who are you? Why do you think you don't know who you are? As a result of this lack of identity do you feel worthless. valueless i.e. do you feel others don't value you? And why wouldn't they value you?

Tony WK

[Guest_1055]

Hey Tony

My brain is just not comprehending much now. I will read your words again though tomorrow . Maybe I will see things clearer then. But I do know one thing. That is, I have come across a few members in the BB forums, that say they don't know" who they are ". So maybe it is a common issues some of us face?

Hugs

Shelley xx

[white knight]

Hi Shelley Anne,

Oh, yes. I'm really interested in this "lack of identity" thing. I have as a child been seen as "bland" without much character and never popular. I dreamed of being the guy in the middle of a pack walking home from school. Every day "Richard" would be in the middle and 3 or 4 guys on each side, they never had him on the outside. Everything he said, did, was wonderful in their eyes.

But as time went on I began to realise that this behaviour of idolisation wasn't necessarily ok. In those days and maybe now to, if you acted "cool" you were special. But at 17yo I joined the Air Force and within 12 months (unfortunately with the aid of liquor) I became the village clown. That behaviour too wasn't ok and it cost me my career. So I realised that the truth, the ideal, was somewhere in the middle and began to study myself and take the advice of older people. One friend asked me how many drinks it took for me to feel relaxed and mildly jolly. I answered "3". He said - "that's the ideal amount for you." And I never forgot that..

By the time I was 40yo I had realised I had an identity. But it took a lot of self promotion in my mind and a lot of discounting of others attitudes and criticisms.

Some things in life take short term, some medium term and some long term. Identity seeking is more likely long term and it takes daily commitment. Even before you sleep, try some muscle tensioning exercises and while doing so think about the things you love about yourself. That routine takes 20 minutes nightly and that is the right amount of time to think about positive things about yourself.

20 minutes daily. That's all it takes.

Tony WK

[Guest_1055]

Hey Tony

I am still finding this issue of knowing who I am, or as you say "lack of identity" quite confusing. It was even going around and around in my head last night.

Some thoughts did come to my mind though. These were my thoughts.......I began to think of one of my siblings. I believe I know them quite a bit.  There identity I am thinking. Then I thought what it was that I knew about them. This is a list

-I am aware of the favourite hobbies and what they like to work on.

-I know whether they are quite, noisy, reserved.

-I know their favourite chocolate, birthday gift etc

-I am aware of some of there dreams and goals in their life.

-I know how they best express love others.

-I am aware of the stand on some issues

- I know of some of their beliefs and values

- I see some strengths and weaknesses in them

- I noticed there natural gifts that shine out from within them

Well I thought this might be their identity or "who they are".

To know my sibling this way, I had to spend time with them over many years. And I see things new in them too sometimes, that I hadn't noticed before. 

Anyway these are my thoughts on" one's identity" at present.

I have taken note of your 20 minute routine about thinking things positive about yourself. I shall have a go at that, as I haven't done anything like that before. So thankyou for your tip there.

With appreciation to you

Shelley