A Lifetime of Bullying

[amd1953]

This is something that I have lived with since my early teens.   It is something that happened to me so long ago that you might think that it has faded from memory.   The fact is, that what happened then, some fifty to sixty years ago, is still as fresh in my mind today as it was then.   As much as I have tried to push it away from me, it seems to hang over me like a noxious cloud.   I remember everything.   I have forgotten nothing.   I know their names and I see their faces.   I feel the physical blows raining down on me and I hear the abuse that went with it.   To them, I was some wild animal captured in a cage for their amusement.   Poked and prodded, punched and spat on.   I've had it all done to me.   Punched in the stomach and punched in the face for no reason at all other than to give them all a sense of power and control.   Yes, it did happen a long time ago and yes, in a strange way, I have forgiven them.   What choice do I have?   There is one thing though that I wish I could do and that is know what sort of men are they today.   Do they have families and would they accept the same kind of public punishment to their children?   If they have any kind of humanity in themselves, I think I can guess most of the answers.   There is an innate cruel streak that runs through us like a dormant cancer.   For those who can control their anger and their prejudices, the problem is held in check.   One only has to consider the domestic violence statistics to know what men are like.   They are even worse when they are younger.   But it is all swept under the carpet and nothing is ever done to address it.   God help us all, I say.

[mmMekitty]

Hi Amd & all

I was bullied at school, too.

My step-sis leading a bunch of other kids, had influence over how some high-school kids treated me. I don't know how she did it.  Why might go back to how she simply didn't accept that I was a few weeks older than her, & how she felt this was not as it ought to be. She also never accepted the merging of our families when my father married her mother.

Wwhen her friends came to our place to play, I was told, they didn't want me around, calling me names as they told me to go away.

One name they called me was a made-up word, I guess, because when I tried to ask what it meant, no-one would or could answer. It's meaning seemed to be in the tone of voice & left to my imagination.

Given other things going on, my self-esteem was already on the floor, so I imagined it was the worst, most horrible, disgusting thing ...

Bullied at home, from my (ex-)step-mo. calling me names & having nothing positive to say to me & nearly everyone... including her daughters.

This step-sis was loud, mouthy, sometimes aggressive, person who would fight back & so, had a lot of negative attention from her mother & my father, who physically punished us kids.

No real support from my father. Only told to ignore it & it would stop - never did...

Abuse from my brother, then others too... 

I tried, as with everything, to push thoughts & feelings into the back of my mind, where I would not have to deal with them, to endure whatever was happening at the time & place I was in.

That step-sis had begun drinking maybe by age 12, then drugs my eldest brother supplied. I don't know what else may have happened with her, but suspect he abused her, too.

I know some of those kids also had difficult families.

I've met & been involved with cruel adults, men, women & trans. The gender & sexuality are irrelevant, in my experience.

I am more fearful of men only because they can exert more physical strength over me than others, but that doesn't mean others won't try the same ... I won't risk it.

Life & living had become something I simply didn't want to do. That feeling lasted years. Slowly, that has faded, & my way of protecting myself from my own feelings & memories fell down & I have had to learn to face & deal with my thoughts, feelings & the memories I have.

We didn't deserve the bullying & cruelty.

Being ourselves is no excuse for others to bully us.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[amd1953]

Hello Kitty,

A lot of emotion there.   When it comes to the crunch, we have to fashion our own armour against this kind of thing.   When it all happens when we are young, it tends to live with us for the rest of our lives.   I agree that cruelty can find a home in anyone.   Anyone is capable of anything.   I can vouch for that.   Men, women and children.   I don't think there will ever be an end to it.

Regards

amd