Wanting to be the Dad his gay son needs.

[Jafar the Barmecide]

G’day
I have drafted this post so many times I can’t remember, please forgive me if I inadvertently say the wrong thing. I admit I need educating.

I want to ask permission from the members who post here to ask questions about LGBT+ perspectives. I have a 17-year-old son who is gay. He has come out to his mother, and he asked her not to tell me because he is afraid that I will reject him or even physically hurt him. This makes me feel enormously guilty and tremendously sad. But he has good reasons.

The 21st century is like another world from the time I grew up in, and it has been slow progress I admit, but beliefs can be changed. I am changing my attitude about gay people as part of challenging the societal conditioning I have learned and lived all my life.

I love my son unconditionally; I want him to know that. I worry about him so much and I want to protect him. I have had no experience of LGBT+ life, I don’t know anybody who is gay that I can ask, I don’t have any friends to confide in who would understand. I don’t want to lose him, and I want to be part of his life and understand him as he is, not who he is when he is trying to hide his real self from me. The boy is afraid of me and it is my fault. I am to blame. I want to make it right.

I am afraid that he won’t ever come out to me unless I tell him that I know. If I do that then I could damage the sacred trust he has in his mother who has, with all good intentions, nevertheless breached that trust by telling me. I don’t want to do that.

What is the best way to handle this? How did you come out to your dad? If it went badly then how do wish it would have happened? Should I just ask him, ‘Are you gay?’ and pretend it just crossed my mind for some reason? I have so many questions so I am here to respectfully ask for your help. I am in new territory, and I don’t want to lose him I want to support him and be an ally.

Thanks for any advice, corrections or knowledge you might offer

[tmas]

Y’know… I’m really impressed here. I won’t deny that your past behaviour may have been damaging, but your insight should give you great hope. It’s extremely important in my opinion not to let the guilt or regret spiral, the way you think of your love for your son is a good example of turning that guilt into hope. Also, you’re kind of doing gender theory! If you want to do research on the internet (other than BB, which you likely have already) you could look into internalised homophobia and the connections between misogyny and homophobia. As always, be careful what you click on, but correct wording will hopefully lead you somewhere helpful. It’s great to hear you verbalising your changing mindset to social groups, it’s sets a precedent for your son and other kids and proves that you’re committed to change without being ashamed. Keep defending LGBT+ rights (and your son) where you can. You are going to get it wrong at points as well (I’ve missed the mark a million times myself and I AM queer, and this is an ever changing subject with a billion perspectives), so leave room for learning and growth too.

A GP may also be able so set up a mental health plan if this is weighing on you or you’re having trouble processing this objectively. I can’t guarantee this, though it can help get the ball rolling. This comes to mind given you seem to be expressing a history of negative emotion which likely stems from somewhere, and may manifest during this time of stress.

Thankyou for being patient with him. I’m always shocked when people take my advice for some reason… I’m not trying to throw flattery at you, but this process is about not only his self-esteem, but your own. Security in yourself will impact your relationship and make your bond more secure as well (attachment theory is another interning point of research).

[Jafar the Barmecide]

I have done a fair amount of reading now, about the subjects of misogyny and homophobia and I have been challenged, enlightened, amused, irritated and angered. There is some great insight out there and some ridiculous hyperbole on these issues.

It’s a real difficult subject this. I never considered LGBT+ issues to be any of my concern. I haven’t had much experience of gay men. It’s not a subject that comes up every day but the slurs against gays are quick on the tongue in men’s company, they’re expected, accepted and never challenged. I find it a challenge to keep my own tongue in check, my brain isn’t trained to political correctness. I don’t deserve any praise just yet; I haven’t really challenged myself in this beyond writing my thoughts down in this thread.

My sons can’t complement each other without the caveat ‘no homo’. We aren’t the type of family that says, ‘I love you’ beyond a certain age and I know it’s time to stop once they groan and tell me ‘That’s gay’. I do remember being their age though and how much you had to defend your sexuality in the eyes of other boys because there was no worse thing you could be than ‘gay’.

So, I am trying to imagine growing up, knowing you are what every boy thinks, is the worst thing you can be, and how it’s gotta have the most profound effect on your self-esteem. I never understood the term ‘homophobia’ before, because it implied a ‘fear of gay people’. I didn’t fear gay people, but I have always been uncomfortable in the presence of an obviously gay man. I don’t know what it is. It could be the hyper-feminine manner combined with a sharp and withering wit that I am sure is a finely tuned defence mechanism honed by years of abuse and ridicule. The flamboyant gays are the brave one’s really. They get the most abuse and violence committed against them.

I remember a fella on a work site who was so anti-gay, we all got frustrated because it seemed every smoko he’d somehow manage to turn the conversation into a tirade against ‘the gays’. The rest of us would all look bemused and go back to talking about motorcycles. "The lad doth protest too much, methinks". Now that I know my son is gay I think back with anxiety at all the times he said "that's gay'. I don't want him to be "that guy" on the work-site. I worry about my son's safety and I know he can defend himself but I also know all too well how dangerous a group of drunk young men can be.

There I go catastrophising again...can't sleep

G'night

[OgresHaveLayers]

I have just come across this and I would be really interested to know how you went. When I came out I actually asked my mother to tell my father (they were separated and could not stand each other) because I was terrified of his reaction, I was 17 and it was the 90s.

Because of this, I would strongly suggest you do not broach your son, but use other avenues to show your acceptance. As I saw mentioned previously, comment on how far the world has come in acceptance when you see someone proudly LGBTQIA+ on TV (I promise you he is checking your reaction every time). Call out homophobia when you see it (again he will be checking your reaction). Just show him in every aspect of your life you are an ally and how your attitudes have changed. Add some LGBTQIA+ music to your playlists or CD collections.

It is great to hear people's attitudes have changed and how the world is becoming so much more accepting. Keep it up.

[Guest_1584]

Hi op.

Funny , when l read the masculinity stuff among some groups and attitudes , reckon l must've scored pretty damn good with my 5 brothers and dad bc there was never any of that. Even though my dad was a real mans man but he also had he's softer side and pretty good attitudes that must've been great examples for us bc as do my brothers and l too.

Mind you , dunno how l'd handle my son being gay though but at the end of the day think l'd still be unconditional for sure . l have thought about stuff like that with my d, she's 21, and we've been through a lot with her , love her more than ever though none the less, don't have a son but l imagine it'd be the same.

Ex w and l have come across this one though many times though when d's told her something or me something confidentially but in some cases it was things that the other def' needed to know too. So the last time just a few wks ago, ex this time and it was an important thing that l should know about . So l asked ex to suggest to d to just tell me and she knows l'll be 100% supportive, few days later d told me herself.

Just another idea that you can toss around , might work if your still stuck.

rx

[tmas]

A little "we shouldn't use slurs" at the dinner table when that language arises might be a good start. I'm sure your son would appreciate it. I'd be interested to hear again how you're doing, hope you and your family are well.

[BlindEye]

Hey, I just wanted to share my experience I had coming out to my dad. When I was 17, I accidentally came out to my mother. I told her not to tell anyone, especially my dad who I was terrified of how he would react. He is a very stoic man, who lived in the outback for many years and not to be stereotypical but I was afraid on how he would react. I was so terrified about telling my parents, I had even made plans to leave the state I was in, even leave the country if I needed to. I was so scared, I was willing to leave everything behind. I can say now, I would have regretted it. My mother pressured me to come out to my dad, and you know what he did? He hugged me, told me he had known for quite some time. It was the biggest relief of my life. It felt like a world had been lifted off my shoulders. I was so scared to say anything, to even suspect he already knew. Just showing unconditional support, made me cry. I am sure, if he does come out he will be so thankful that he has a dad like you.