Toying with the idea of telling my wife that I'm gay

[Only_I_know]

The last 4 weeks have been sickening. I've cried countless times with the guilt and I'm so terrified. We've just celebrated 20years of marriage but I ruined it having cancelled our dinner date and night out in the city, because of the guilt had made me feel so sick. I'm not eating properly and now lost 10kg. She is the most beautiful woman I know and I hate myself for being gay. I just bloody hate it. No one else knows and it scares me to death. I have no one that I can vonfide in, and tggat makes me cry too. I've been mentally all over the place this last week, it's gotten so bad that I've started to think alot about death. Not that I think I'd do something dumb, but I can't stop thinking about suicide. I'm terrified about what my kids will think and my folks, who have shown themselves to be homophobic bigots in the past. I know they love me to death, and would probably be ok, but I'm really scared, like never before in 47 years. I question why I got married in the first place knowing I am gay, but I think I thought I could live a life hiding these feelings. I've never been with a guy in any way, but between the stress, guilt and anxiety, is all I think about. and I have been faithful as I really do love her with all my heart and it saddens me to break her heart, and mine. I've been playing it over and over in my head, I almost had a car accident today as I was crying and distracted, it's all totally consuming me. I think it may have been better, if not easier, if I had died, then No one would ever know, and her broken heart wouldn't be for knowing that her husband wasn't who she thought he was. It's really tough right now, talking to others over the last couple of weeks on this forum helped a bit, but I'm not sure if it is anymore, I know I'm sinking into some sort of depression and dont know what to do. I went to the dr about not eating, went for blood tests to see why, but I knew why. I was only going for the sake of my family. I wanted the dr to send me to a psychologist or something, but he wouldn'thave it. I'm really sick to death of it all, the lies, the confusion and the anxiety, and now lack of sleep. I'm thinking of telling her tomorrow but don't really think I'm brave enough. I'm a good person. It's just freakin fair.

[Hidden_name]

Hey,

Have you tired going to a doctor you dont know and dont have to use again (thats part of what is making you uncomfortable) i have taken this road several times with different doctors. I now have a doctor i feel comfortable talking about my sexuality etc with

Aside from that, anglicare have healt and wellbeing "officers that you can speak with privately about you problems.

( All of the above including your gp have patient confidentiality, they can not speak about anything you have said unless of course you are putting yourself or others in danger and thats only to police etc)

You need not worry if people like who you are, you need only to be happy and love yourself.

[Only_I_know]

So i have now told my folks.

And they were terrific. Lots of hugs and support. Why the hell did I wait so long?

All my friends and family have been great. What a wonderful world we live in. I have never felt so free and relaxed.

I can now be the real me!

[C4]

Well done on telling your parents and I’m glad there supporting all the people that I’ve told and now know have been supportive of me as well. I’ve gone back to my old doctor which is good and all my blood tests came back clear which I’m happy about too . I go to see my new councillor on Monday morning which is coincidentally the one my ex wife went to maybe the counsellor will have insite to both of us now even they she no longer see her . Other than that I’m wanting to meet new gay friends so I’ve contacted Peninsula Health for any support groups around Frankston but there yet too get back to me on it yet . It can get lonely at times by myself but I just want friends that understand me as will you too. If you want to contact me I’ll be here . Keep us informed ok 👍

[Only_I_know]

Thanks C4, well we've taken this journey and there is no going back. There will be tough times but I think we'll be happier in the long term.

I'm off to the botanical gardens in the morning to meet up with the Melbourne front runners- lgbti walking & running group, a bit nervous about introducing myself to new people but I'vegot to do it. I wont be running - that's for sure!

I hope your wife comes around as well, there is no reason that you can't be friends, I'm lucky as mine has been awesome. If you struggle with meeting people down your way it may be worth looking at coming up to Melbourne every now and again.

Good luck, and let's keep chatting. I've really appreciated our communication- having you regularly message has really helped me, and I hope I have done the same for you!

All the best mate.

[C4]

Yes mate we have taken this journey of self discovery and made it through the other side . My wife and I are friends but she has a partner so I contact her sparingly. I’m glad your finally getting out to meet new people I wish I had your confidence but I realise that isolation is not the answer. I’m on meetup website so there are plenty of groups I’ve joined but most functions are near the city so maybe I can make the trip in the future. It would be nice if we could meet in person I’m Craig by the way .

[Doolhof]

Hi Only I know and C4,

Connecting with people is so very important for so many aspects of our lives. Feeling alone can be very devastating, so it is wonderful you are both working on ways to meet people, to enrich your experiences with a variety of people and hopefully staying connect to family and friends.

Craig, I noticed you mentioned it would be lovely to meet up with Only I Know, I am not sure if that was figuratively or an actual desire. I know there have been many people whom I have communicated with on this forum whom I feel I would like to meet, but this is an anonymous forum, so connecting with people outside of the forum is not encouraged.

Craig, I do hope you are able to make it to some of groups you have been looking at. Connection with people is important face to face as it is here on the forum.

Cheers to you both, from Dools

[Birdy77]

Dear Only I know,

I just wanted to say how unbelievably happy I am about your parents being so wonderful!!

And your awesome and uplifting post about the world!

I am so, so happy for you 😊

You and Craig have both been on this incredible journey together, how lovely for you to have that support of one another.

Enjoy your walking group today, hope you meet some lovely people. Craig, I hope you're able to find some groups too where you are.

Cheers guys xo

🌻birdy

[Only_I_know]

Hello to you all!

So I didn't actually get to the walk today, not for any other reason than I hurt my back yesterday and I was just a bit too sore! Though the walk may have helped stretch it out! Definitely no excuses next Saturday!

Instead I caught up with a gay friend and his husband for a coffee at their house, and shared my news. I had to laugh at their faces, they weren't quite sure to show happiness at me now being free of my secret, or sadness at the loss of a wonderful marriage, they know my wife too. They thought they were good in picking up on people who were gay and I had completely taken them by surprise!

The coffee extended into a 4 hour lunch and wine, offer of support and continued friendship. It was an awesome arvo.

I recently got a copy of the movie "Love, Simon" and wept at the scene were Simon asked his mum if she knew he was gay. She had just replied that for the last few years she knew he had a secret, and that she thought that he seemed to be holding his breath. "Now you can breath" she told him. Such a beautiful analogy - my favourite part of the movie.

Craig, I'm pleased to have met you here on these forums, at a time, that I think we needed to connect to someone.

Who knows what the world will bring next? I never thought in a million years that I would have done what I have over the last 2 months!

I will continue to talk here, to all you wonderful people.

Cheers

Darren (yep! My real name! I'm becomming more comfortable with who I am!) 😁

[Doolhof]

Hi Darren,

Just want to wish you all the best with our journey. It is wonderful you have some amazing friends who were there to listen and to be supportive. We could all do with friends like that.

Hope you continue to find the paths in life you desire to take!

Cheers from Dools

[Blue_Simon]

Hi OIK, I am sitting here in terror, unsure of where to start or what to say or do. Truth is, OIK, I’m just like you! I’m 47 years old, have a 10 year old daughter and yes, a wonderful wife I have been married to 18 years. Told you I was just like you. And like you I have hung on to a secret for most of my life. I can recall at about the age of 9, knowing that I was different to my twin brother. Knowing that I felt attracted to guys, not in a sexual way at first, just to have a strong, caring man in my life. My parents divorced and I was brought up by my mum. I always saw my dad, don’t get me wrong, I just missed a connection with a male figure. As an Adult I guess looking back now I definitely knew what I was, that time was so filled with fear and confusion for me, not to mention how gay people were portrayed and treated if outed.

Not a day goes by that I don’t hate myself for not standing up back then, almost 30 years ago and not confonting this fear. Why did I have to involve the most wonderful woman I have ever known, my wife. I thought that married life, kid, dog, career would see these feelings disappear or that I could continue to make the woman I love the centre of my life. I recently watch a movie about someone who kept such a secret. Eventually having to come out, I cried like a little girl when the central character was finally able to breath for the first time in years, knowing he didn’t have to hide who he was. I watched that movie on a plane about a month ago and from that day have been spiraling deeper into self loathing, confusion, regret. My work is now suffering an colleagues are wondering what is going on. I am crying at work, in the car, any time I am alone.

My workplace also has an assistance program and I have an appointment tomorrow. My wife has used them in the past as she also suffers from depression which makes this even more difficult. Unlike you, I don’t think my wife is strong enough to deal with this. I don’t even know if I want things to change. I still care deeply for her and have never cheated on her. It’s only even been just her. I have never even been with a guy. The thoughts and images in my head alone, have kept me going all of these years. And yet I feel that something is missing. I have read your full post with the replies you have received. I applaud your bravery, I’m not that brave, and don’t know if will ever be.

regard, Blue Simon.