Toying with the idea of telling my wife that I'm gay

[Only_I_know]

The last 4 weeks have been sickening. I've cried countless times with the guilt and I'm so terrified. We've just celebrated 20years of marriage but I ruined it having cancelled our dinner date and night out in the city, because of the guilt had made me feel so sick. I'm not eating properly and now lost 10kg. She is the most beautiful woman I know and I hate myself for being gay. I just bloody hate it. No one else knows and it scares me to death. I have no one that I can vonfide in, and tggat makes me cry too. I've been mentally all over the place this last week, it's gotten so bad that I've started to think alot about death. Not that I think I'd do something dumb, but I can't stop thinking about suicide. I'm terrified about what my kids will think and my folks, who have shown themselves to be homophobic bigots in the past. I know they love me to death, and would probably be ok, but I'm really scared, like never before in 47 years. I question why I got married in the first place knowing I am gay, but I think I thought I could live a life hiding these feelings. I've never been with a guy in any way, but between the stress, guilt and anxiety, is all I think about. and I have been faithful as I really do love her with all my heart and it saddens me to break her heart, and mine. I've been playing it over and over in my head, I almost had a car accident today as I was crying and distracted, it's all totally consuming me. I think it may have been better, if not easier, if I had died, then No one would ever know, and her broken heart wouldn't be for knowing that her husband wasn't who she thought he was. It's really tough right now, talking to others over the last couple of weeks on this forum helped a bit, but I'm not sure if it is anymore, I know I'm sinking into some sort of depression and dont know what to do. I went to the dr about not eating, went for blood tests to see why, but I knew why. I was only going for the sake of my family. I wanted the dr to send me to a psychologist or something, but he wouldn'thave it. I'm really sick to death of it all, the lies, the confusion and the anxiety, and now lack of sleep. I'm thinking of telling her tomorrow but don't really think I'm brave enough. I'm a good person. It's just freakin fair.

[C4]

Hi guys I’m glad to see you both had a reasonably good day mine started off ok then I was on Facebook and watched a trailer for a gay movie then it happened I was an emotional mess . I was in tears for over an hour I just couldn’t stop crying something triggered me and I couldn’t stop . I looked at my self in the mirror and saw this shell of a man with a little boy inside so scared and sad and thought how pathetic I’ve become . I feel like the demons are taking over and I see know way out it’s like I’m fighting myself and there’s no winner . I’m so tired of fighting something that I can’t fix and it’s taking its toll I’m not sure if I’m strong enough to win anymore I feel as though I’m losing the fight against myself. Although I’m going to counseling and it helps a little bit it’s not enough to help the scared boy inside the mans body . The loneliness is soul destroying i hope when you guys move out on your own you cope better than me I have a good mask but it’s slowly falling off . It’s so hard to see people with partners and the love they have I feel that I’ll never find a partner and think who will want someone like me . I’m sorry to ruin your evening with my post I don’t want to flood you with my negativity so I’ll stop for a while you deserve positive support not my issues to make you sad as well . I hope you have a good night .

[Only_I_know]

Its ok Craig, you've had a lifetime of hiding who you arrr, living a lie, so its going to take awhile to settle down.

We're going to have ups and downs, that is life whether you've gone through what we have or not.

You said you get out and about alot already, so that is good. If not, then maybe yoh should. Don't just focus on lgbt groups, but maybe look at others as well.

Have you looked at the Nomads? They do a bit of bushwalking, if you are into that. It might be more difficult down the peninsula, maybe not as many groups.

When I move out, I won't be focusing on just lgbt groups, because I'm not just gay, I'm also me and being gay doesn't define who I am. Yes, I want to meet a guy, but I believe in fate too. I never thought I'd meet my wife, get married and have kids either.

I think you may be trying too hard. Just take your time. Give yourself a break and stop being hard on yourself.

Take a deep breath mate, and think of something to distract your thoughts. If watching gay movie trailers on your own effects you, then maybe avoid them for a while.

Try and have a good sleep.

Darren

[Blue_Simon]

24th August 2018, that will forever be the day that I tore my family apart. It’s done, I have told my wife of 19 years he truth, who and what I am. I am numb with pain right now. My world has become even more sad and confusing.

I wanted to wait until after talking to someone, I wanted to make sure the time was right, I wanted to have the answers to her questions but no. She asked what was going on and I just broke down and told her. Initially she was very concerned that I had felt this way for so long. The pain and confusion I had inside was her concern and she cried and hugged me. Then the realisation of my words became apparent and the mood changed, as the questions of confusion started. And so did the tears, anger, resentment, disbelief.

Why did we get married, why did we have a child, I can’t start again, all questions and statements I was tasked to answer. All I could say to her was the love we shared was real. Her dreams of retiring together, growing old together, are gone. There is nothing left but a house full of anger and sorrow, because of me.

The tears have continued this morning, she has left the house to walk with her thoughts.

You guys told me how this would feel but I can not describe how I feel now. We talk of self-loathing, hatred, disappointment, despair, loss, confusion. There are not enough words.

I don’t know what is going to happen over the coming hours and days, where I will be or what I will do. Please know that I will not so anything stupid, that’s not me. What is done is done and it is for a reason, as distant and uncertain as that might be.

I hope you guys are around to talk, I’m not when I will be able to checkin but ai will.

-T.

[Only_I_know]

Mate, despite how it feels right now, you and your wife will pull through even though it may not feel like it eight now.

You have absolutely done the right thing, despite how it feels.

I know how you are feeling right now. I can't say the next few days will be good, they probably won't, so it is really important that you take care of yourself. If you need to actually talk to someone, call the BB line 1300224636. Or ring your work mate. Do not be alone right now.

Please mate, take care of yourself. I will intermittently check in today, so please post that you are okay.

Sending yojj love, hugs and well wishes.

It is important to keep the communication open with your wife.

Have you told your daughter? If not, put that off for a few days at least, so you both can do it with a clear head.

I'm here in support, you've surprised the crap out of me! But I'm so glad you can now breathe.

Please let us know how you are going. If I don't respond immediately, Dont worry, but I will definitely respond.

It was very courageous of you. The most courage you would ever had to endure.

Talk soon

Your mate, Daz

[Birdy77]

Dear Tim,

The coming hours and days will be hard, but you will get through.

You have Daz and Craig and everyone here, but as Daz said, do call a helpline if you need to talk at any time.

You have made a really courageous step, and you are doing it with love for your wife ... she will be in a really strange headspace for a while ...

Just be really gentle with yourself and her.

We will be sending many positive vibes your way.

🌻birdy

[Birdy77]

Dear Craig,

I'm so sorry you are in such deep pain and grief right now.

We will always listen and care about you, please don't shut down.

It is time now to take care if that scared little boy. Take him in your arms and show him the love and care and compassion that he needs so much right now. Let him know you will take good care of him. Let him cry as much as he needs to.

Be really, really gentle with yourself Craig.

We are always here for you.

Sending very caring thoughts to you.

🌻birdy

[Only_I_know]

Hey Tim, just checking in on you. I know you're not okay, and you're probably so damn tired and exhausted. You are right, none of the words "self loath, hatred, disappointment, despair, loss, confusion" adequately express how you are feeling, not even combined.

I went for my walk, and all I could think of was you, how you are going. I cried for you as I drove there this morning, at how you are feeling. It did bring back the intense feelings as you described above, and I do remember the next week, where I sunk even lower - and this may happen for you too over the next week - but do not despair as you will start to rise again, and in time you will shine. Have no doubt on this. I too felt that my life would not improve, but I can promise you that it has - I WAS PROVEN WRONG.

so please take some solace from my words.

Hope to hear from you soon, I'll check later tonight - I have friends coming over for dinner so it won't be until late, but I hope to see you give us an update.

Warm wishes and love to you.

Daz

[Blue_Simon]

Hi all,

Yes, I’m not OK but things have settled down a bit. Have been out and about this morning with my daughter and talking to my wife in the same, calm, Saturday morning manner as always. I made her a coffee and we are talking, not about what has just happened but about normal stuff. We are still going out this afternoon and will slowly deal with this each in our own way and together. There is certainly some denial from her side so not sure what’s going to happen yet. She is still showing me stuff on Facebook and sharing memories. Time will tell.

We sat down and told our daughter, not the details, but that mummy & daddy have some adult stuff to deal with and that our tears and anger have nothing to do with anything she has done.

It is a surreal feeling at the moment as I know I don’t have to explain to you guys. I have choice but the continue BAU with Uni and such as I don’t want to stuff that up as well. My wife suggested I take more time off work which I think I will.

Darren I am so very sorry I took your mind away from you walk this morning. That is your time and you need that for your own healing and moving on. If I could have been anywhere on earth this morning it would have been walking the botanic gardens.

Enjoy you evening with and I will touch base soon. Thanks again for your hug.

[Only_I_know]

Hey Tim, just checking in on you again. Hoping the day is improving a little. Mixed in among all your other feelings, you must be feeling a little relief.

Keep talking, don't push too much particularly when you see her get upset. This is hard on her too. Again, I encourage you to get your wife to go to a counsellor and your daughter too. Don't forget to alert your daughters school that there could be issues so they could notice any behavioural changes too. My daughter is awesome, and she told her mum that she thinks she would like to speak to a counsellor. They are far more resilient than what you may think.

Another thing to look for, is the sweeping it under the carpet. The day I told my wife she asked me if we could bury our head in the sand and stay as we were. I said that I didn't want to go thru life and perhaps get to 90 and regret not experiencing what I was meant to. I also said it wasn't fair on her, being with a partner that did love her, but wasn't able to give her everything she needed, and the guilt I held for that, would again make me spiral into deep mental issues. Just make sure you keep talking to your wife, don't let it get forgotten. There are other threads in Forums/Sexuality and gender identity if you haven't already read about. Others have come out to their partner and the partner is in denial and refusing to accept. The person then feels trapped. You can't let yourself fall into this. Keep talking. You've said the words you've been frightened to now, and you can't take them back, and neither should you. You are on the path to your wellbeing.

You will have ups and downs, but you still have us here to talk to. If YOU don't take care, you can't take care of them.

Also, I think this is a good time to start a new club. I'm going to call it "Club Pheonix" - for those that have been reborn, and are rising from the ashes of their old self.

The inaugural members are: Tim, Craig & Darren - and anyone else going/or been through a rebirth.

And I don't mind that I cried thinking of you during my walk today, it did NOT ruin it-I rejoiced for you. But I think you missed my point. I was trying to say that whilst I was incredibly low at the same point you are now, I am well and truly through the worst, and you will get there too. You are only 3mths behind me. Don't worry about me, I've involved myself in your story by responding, I'm prepared for the emotions it brings. You are welcome in the Botanical Gardens anytime.

talk soon

Daz

Club Pheonix

[C4]

Thanks Darren