Toying with the idea of telling my wife that I'm gay

[Only_I_know]

The last 4 weeks have been sickening. I've cried countless times with the guilt and I'm so terrified. We've just celebrated 20years of marriage but I ruined it having cancelled our dinner date and night out in the city, because of the guilt had made me feel so sick. I'm not eating properly and now lost 10kg. She is the most beautiful woman I know and I hate myself for being gay. I just bloody hate it. No one else knows and it scares me to death. I have no one that I can vonfide in, and tggat makes me cry too. I've been mentally all over the place this last week, it's gotten so bad that I've started to think alot about death. Not that I think I'd do something dumb, but I can't stop thinking about suicide. I'm terrified about what my kids will think and my folks, who have shown themselves to be homophobic bigots in the past. I know they love me to death, and would probably be ok, but I'm really scared, like never before in 47 years. I question why I got married in the first place knowing I am gay, but I think I thought I could live a life hiding these feelings. I've never been with a guy in any way, but between the stress, guilt and anxiety, is all I think about. and I have been faithful as I really do love her with all my heart and it saddens me to break her heart, and mine. I've been playing it over and over in my head, I almost had a car accident today as I was crying and distracted, it's all totally consuming me. I think it may have been better, if not easier, if I had died, then No one would ever know, and her broken heart wouldn't be for knowing that her husband wasn't who she thought he was. It's really tough right now, talking to others over the last couple of weeks on this forum helped a bit, but I'm not sure if it is anymore, I know I'm sinking into some sort of depression and dont know what to do. I went to the dr about not eating, went for blood tests to see why, but I knew why. I was only going for the sake of my family. I wanted the dr to send me to a psychologist or something, but he wouldn'thave it. I'm really sick to death of it all, the lies, the confusion and the anxiety, and now lack of sleep. I'm thinking of telling her tomorrow but don't really think I'm brave enough. I'm a good person. It's just freakin fair.

[Birdy77]

Dear Daz, Tim and Craig 😊

So lovely to witness your beautiful friendship blossoming and the gorgeous support you offer one another.

Daz, at least your scales are to-the-point and not sarcastic, I heard of scales that call out "one at a time please!!". Charming.

Tim, with the gp at the medical centre, you might need to just try making an appt with a random gp there and then tell them you're really anxious and feeling depressed (you needn't give details if you don't feel comfortable) rather than just telling reception you want a mental health plan.

Daz has given you great advice about asking QLife, but I just thought I'd let you know what I did. As soon as I told the random gp at the medical centre how I was feeling, he gave me a list of psychologists that I could see who bulk bill, and I ended up seeing a psych at that medical centre (not specifically lgbt, but she did the job I needed at the time).

Not sure if that is helpful, but all ideas have potential I guess.

Keep smiling guys. You're all gorgeous.

🌻birdy

[Blue_Simon]

Hi Birdy77,

Darren and Craig are pretty awesome aren’t they!

Thanks for you information and suggestions regarding the GP. That’s good to know and I will give it a try if unsuccessful in coming days. I have a company doctor that we believe will be able to help also as I have just had a 3 month work arrangement approved for a 9 day fortnight, due to mental health. Hopefully this will all work in my favour.

I will keep everyone posted,

Tim.

[Only_I_know]

Hey mate hope your day has been good. Birdy is right, I wouldn't mention the the mental health plan at reception, none of their business. I doubt the Dr would turn you away.

That's awesome your work is so supportive in the 9 day fortnight. Employers are really getting their act together to try and make their workplace "the employer of choice".

Not to be callous, but you reducing your work days for mental health reasons will also show your wife just how low you are feeling, the depression, and will just add to the truth of your situation when you finally tell her. It'll help her see how much pain you really are in. I'm sure she does already, but it'll just confirm it.

I'm sitting in the waiting room at my gp right now to get my health care plan extension. Apparently the normal plan is six sessions, then you revisit the go to get the extension.

Anyway, weekend is here! Hooray!

Looking forward to the sunny 16c tomorrow! Woohoo!

Also can't wait for my walk in the gardens tomorrow. I've really started to enjoy it.

Anyway, what's on for the weekend?

Daz

[Only_I_know]

Thanks Birdy.

I can't believe how great this forum is. Never would have thought that strangers could be so nice and supportive.

I feel so safe, and loved here.

I know that even when I no longer require the support I will remain to offer others what I have received.

Cheers Daz

[Blue_Simon]

Hey Daz,

I hope the appointment went well and you got an extension no problem. Yes you are all tight, none of anyone business except mine and a DR that will listen. With any luck I can have this soughted out quickly so I can get to the gay Psychologist soon.

I do t think your comment is callous mate, it is spot on! I’m doing as much as I can to show her that I am struggling and for a good reason. She is supporting me which is great, she just doesn’t quite know why.

Im glad you like your walking Darren, I love a good long walk also. Keep it up my friend so the new scales don’t tell you to get off. I could never use those, just another voice telling me what to do and that I’m not good enough.

Anyway, study, study, study in the weekend. Cheese and wine catch up with old neighbours should be nice. I guess I had better smile then. Local kite festival on Sunday at the beach about 5 min walk from home.

That’s about it mate. I will around this evening for those who want to chat, And all weekend.

Tim.

[Birdy77]

But you guys didn't get my joke 😢😭😢😭😢

[Only_I_know]

Sorry Birdy I did and I laughed!

[Birdy77]

😁😁 sorry to be needy joke-teller, what a pain!!

I'll leave you lovely guys to it.

Go gently with everything guys.

❤

🌻birdy

[Only_I_know]

Aaaargh. Just left the GP mighty peed off.

I got there at 5pm for a 5.20pm appt, checked in at reception and waited patiently. The Dr came out and got patients and I continued to wait. At 5.40 I wondered what was going on, but patiently continued to wait.

My wife msg's me to see when I would be home at 6pm, still not in. At 6.10 I finally get annoyed, and go to reception and speak to the same receptionist and ask when the Dr will be seeing me. "Have you been to reception?" she asked. Ahhhhhh - I saw you! Oh, the Dr has already gone home!!!!! WTF!!!!! To say I was cheesed to the max is an understatement, but she is lucky that I'm not a public screamer.

10 more mins of stuffing around, she checks the computer and the Dr has apparently marked me down as being seen!?!!?! So where's my referral? "You'll have to come back on Monday to pick it up!" - Noooooo I don't think so! The Dr clinic is 20 mins from my house (near my old house) so is a min of 40 mins return.

Oh, he might come in tomorrow! I'll ring if he does!!!

Oh, pretty crappy service.

Now I'm uptight again. I really don't need this rubbish.

I could use a return hug please!

I don't want dinner, my lunch with my work friend was great. She took me to a Mexican place and we sat in the car and I told her, I got more emotional than I expected as it has been getting easier each time I tell someone. She was amazing too, I got a big hug, and she's even offered to go to the gay bars with me, if that was what I wanted. I'm feeling better now, just thinking about it. And on top of that, she bought lunch! She also sent me a text this evening, just letting me know how special I was too her. Gotta love friends.

Tim, I'm sure you will also get this type of response from your friends when you eventually tell your wife. People can be so amazing.

I'll post again a little later tonight, I want to mention a few things for you to ponder for when you are ready to talk to your wife.

I'm off to the kitchen to make some rock cakes now. Cooking always makes me feel better, and eating the result even better!

will talk soon!

[Only_I_know]

Okay, so just finished making rock cakes and they smell amazing! Nice glass of red going down well too.

Now you are making me jealous! 5 mins from the beach! and what? I suppose the weather is going to be 29c and sunny both days?

Yuuuum - Cheese & Wines. I repeat - Yuuuum. Stop making me jealous!

Now as far as the smiling thing. Yes, you've got a lot of crap going on in your head and body. But you can still choose whether to just enjoy the company of your friends and family, or whether you let your mind stray.

During the early months for me, I found having a good cry really helped. So if you think that this will, why not go for a walk early, somewhere private - let you think about your feelings - get the emotion out as much as you can, and then return home. If you are near the beach, then maybe walk along the beach. No doubt the warm sunny Brisbane weather will perk you up!

another batch of rock cakes beeping on the oven, so will come on again a bit later.

Daz