Toying with the idea of telling my wife that I'm gay

[Only_I_know]

The last 4 weeks have been sickening. I've cried countless times with the guilt and I'm so terrified. We've just celebrated 20years of marriage but I ruined it having cancelled our dinner date and night out in the city, because of the guilt had made me feel so sick. I'm not eating properly and now lost 10kg. She is the most beautiful woman I know and I hate myself for being gay. I just bloody hate it. No one else knows and it scares me to death. I have no one that I can vonfide in, and tggat makes me cry too. I've been mentally all over the place this last week, it's gotten so bad that I've started to think alot about death. Not that I think I'd do something dumb, but I can't stop thinking about suicide. I'm terrified about what my kids will think and my folks, who have shown themselves to be homophobic bigots in the past. I know they love me to death, and would probably be ok, but I'm really scared, like never before in 47 years. I question why I got married in the first place knowing I am gay, but I think I thought I could live a life hiding these feelings. I've never been with a guy in any way, but between the stress, guilt and anxiety, is all I think about. and I have been faithful as I really do love her with all my heart and it saddens me to break her heart, and mine. I've been playing it over and over in my head, I almost had a car accident today as I was crying and distracted, it's all totally consuming me. I think it may have been better, if not easier, if I had died, then No one would ever know, and her broken heart wouldn't be for knowing that her husband wasn't who she thought he was. It's really tough right now, talking to others over the last couple of weeks on this forum helped a bit, but I'm not sure if it is anymore, I know I'm sinking into some sort of depression and dont know what to do. I went to the dr about not eating, went for blood tests to see why, but I knew why. I was only going for the sake of my family. I wanted the dr to send me to a psychologist or something, but he wouldn'thave it. I'm really sick to death of it all, the lies, the confusion and the anxiety, and now lack of sleep. I'm thinking of telling her tomorrow but don't really think I'm brave enough. I'm a good person. It's just freakin fair.

[Only_I_know]

Hey mate, and you said I was interesting! Geez! A pilot! Wow! You sound way more interesting!

Is the GP clinic where you'd normally go? They would have your history. Otherwise try a different Dr, or call QLIFE again as they can recommend a gay friendly GP too. That's rubbish really, what if you'd just moved there. Maybe speak to the psych as well, they may be able to recommend a gp that will. They'd know a GP that would be sensitive.

Let us know how you go, I'll give more thought and post again tonight

Daz

[Blue_Simon]

Thanks for the info Daz,

I will see what I can come up with, talk soon.

Tim.

[Only_I_know]

Hey mate, in Melbourne we have a few clinics that specialises in health for the LGBT community, so I googled for Brisbane and found a Medical Centre. If you look them up, they would probably be able to help you. I would suggest that they would be really understanding and get you a referral. Hopefully they are easy to access for you.

I am so surprised at the clinic you rang. When I went to the Dr, I had seen this Dr only once or twice previously, but I was a patient of the clinic for a long time. It bothers me that the clinic would just tell you no, without you seeing the Doctor. I think that is very poor, considering how society is now highlighting mental health issues.

Honestly, I never thought I'd have mental health issues, but the depression I fell into was pretty bad, and it pains me to say, that I think you are feeling around the same as what I did. This makes it really critical that you take charge and do something, and am really glad you are. So if you haven't found anywhere yet, call the above place asap please.

There are other (different types of clinics) that you will need to know about too, but that is for down the track. I was given a little bit of info by a gay friend, I've googled it but done nothing about it yet, and will pass the same info onto you when the time is right.

I hope you've had a good day, I look forward to hearing how you are going.

I'm glad that I do make you laugh, as you need some right now! I know I still do!

So being a Pilot, did you end up on a commercial airline and flying around the globe? were you the Captain or First Officer or something else? I'm considering giving you a nickname of Capt'n for all future posts, so it's important I know! Thank you!

cheers

Daz

[Blue_Simon]

Hey Daz,

Thanks for the information you have gathered for me. I appreciate it very much.I have another option here on the peninsula and then I will go searching with the help of Qlife. The clinic is also on my side of town (sought off) so they will be on the list as well. Thanks also for the heads up regarding the other information.

I did have a good (although very long) day today. Assessing cabin crew performing emergency procedures all day. It’s keeping my mind off the issues at hand and I am happiest at work at the moment because home is still awkward.

Capt. Nunn, if only that ever came true! I was about the finish my commercial license when my lungs collapsed a second times never got such a title. It was a short 6 years of flying and that was it. I could probably have gone back years later when I got an aviation medical back but too expensive, and married by then. Yes, I hid these feelings all through that time. When my airline started operating in 2001, I figured I would become a flight attendant. Close enough to the flight deck but not quite. It’s been fun though and I still fly around a bit. Got a day trip to Honiara next Thursday, bring on the duty free!!

You guys can call me whatever you like though.

How was your day Daz?, and Craig if your around, how was yours?

[C4]

Hi mate glad you had a good day my mum came to visit today and we went out for lunch I’ve been off work the last two weeks I just needed time for me . The stress at work just makes my issues worse so a couple of weeks off was good not that I’ve done a lot due to taking them now . I’ve got to go back to the doctors to get the extra sessions with the Counsellor as part of my family plan. Im not sure if I’ll stay with her after the sessions finish as I really need a Counsellor who is gay but she is good but I feel I need to talk to someone who really understand I might go back on Qlife again and ask who’s around on the Mornington peninsula for me . Just sitting here alone watching the leadership stuff and wishing I had someone here to talk to makes me sad and just makes me think it’s good to start again but sad to realise what I’ve lost to get here . Hope your day was good mate .

[Only_I_know]

Hey mate you are most welcome - happy to share whatever knowledge I have or come by, as long as you continue to take the action to get you where you need to go.

A bit of a bummer about your lungs, I've always wanted to be able to fly, I think that would be an awesome job. I had a mate take me up once in a little Cessna and we flew between 2 small airports, he let me take the controls, but he kept having to make adjustments as the plane kept dipping! I think I made him nervous!

Well I hope you had your mind on the job today if you were assessing cabin crew performing emergency procedures! Ladies and gentleman, your exit is here, here, and here...…..

I promise that next time I fly, I will be very polite and make sure I thank the attendant! I'll wonder if they were trained by you! Actually, I've only ever really had 1 bad experience, and that was on Etihad. Was so bad I felt compelled to email them when I got home. I can promise you that I am not one of those grumpy complaining passengers!!! I'm a smiler, so always ready for one! Just as well I have all my teeth.

Honiara eh? I went on a cruise there back in the 90's. Was quite nice - hired a car with 2 guys (from Brisbane) that I met on the cruise. I was 25yo so had to be the one to get the car as they were a bit younger. Hope you have a great flight!

And you definitely are the mate to have! Duty Free - Woo Hoo!

See, more interesting things about you! I bet you have some great stories to tell about some passengers!

I'll work on a nickname for you then.

Work isn't too bad I guess. I work in the Hardware Industry and we look after the independent hardware retailers with putting catalogues together, amongst a load of other things. We have an Expo we're putting together in Adelaide next year, so things have ramped right up and we're stupidly busy. Just get frustrated at times, and doesn't help when you've got other stuff going on, but as I've said, they are good to me, so no real cause to complain.

Craig, hope you are okay too. At least it's nice down the Mornington Peninsula! Just look out your window at the bay!

Looking forward to the weekend, looks like a heat wave coming! Saturday is Sunny and 16 deg! At least It'll be nice for the walk around the gardens at 8.30am!

cheers

Darren

[Blue_Simon]

I look forward to my nickname then, can’t wait to hear what you come up with.

If you fly with VA then I did probably train the crew! As far as the Duty free, there has to be some pay off for spending 6 hours down the back of a B737! Good fun though, although we don’t even get off the plane in Honiara.

Sounds like you are super busy also at work. I’m glad they are good to you and it helps take your mind off things.

Enjoy that heat wave won’t you! 16c Hmmmm. It was 29c up here last weekend, I don’t think I have worn jeans this year yet. I certainly don’t own a jumper.

I know I will post tomorrow so have a good nights sleep.

Tim.

[Only_I_know]

Good morning mate, yes 16c and sunny - I'll take that over 4c and wet! Im a bit jealous of the 29c or so that you've had! But then not sure I like the high 30's either.

I'm not even sure that this is even possible, but today I'm feeling a little melancholy and positive at the same time. It's quite an odd sensation.

Positive about the direction I'm now heading, but I'm feeling quite alone too. My wife and I haven't slept in the same bed since I came out, and I'm ok with that, it prepares me for being out on my own, but I really miss not having someone to cuddle and spoon.

I do still get lots of hugs and kisses from my wife and kids, but I'm really longing to be wrapped up in the arms of a nice guy, whispering sweet nothings to each other. I've always wanted this, but it's definitely more intense now.

I know I'm a hopeless romantic, I just want to love and be loved, be happy and share myself with a guy who wants me the same way. I want to hold hands, and to not feel so alone, with him sitting down on the couch pressed in close next to me, whilst we watch a movie or the footy.

I want to cook for him, tell him all my secrets, desires and worries, and watch his face as he smiles back at me.

Anyway, I'll be glad when today is over and the weekend starts, though that poses it's own issues. I just want to go out and meet new people, but can't until I'm in my place.

I need to be patient, but then I start thinking that I have been, I've waited 47 years!

Haha! Oh well. I feel good, probably just got too much time on my hands. Maybe I should start writing a second book, now that I have finished the other one I feel out of sorts as it was consuming me and was a grw at way to expel all the pent up desires and emotions.

I'm going out to lunch with another work friend today, I haven't told her yet, but am planning to. She is indian, so not sure if her cultural beliefs are anti gay or not, but we have talked relationships before. She also knows I'm chivalrous, as at our last expo she called me at 1am, after a late night event, to find out what I was doing, but I was back in the hotel in bed almost asleep. She was on her own, so I insisted on going and getting her so she wasn't walking the city late on her own. I'm sure she will be okay. It will mean that 7 people at my work (on top of my friends and family) will know, and it still staggers me that so many do.

Well have a great day, and hope to talk later today.

Daz

[Blue_Simon]

Good morning mate,

You do sound like the sought of person that any man would love to be with. Your caring for everyone around you is so obvious, there should be a whole lot more people on this planet with the same outlook and respect for others.

You describe a beautiful environment in which you want to be in. That’s a long time away for me yet it does sound so nice. You are right about the intensity of the feelings of being with someone you were always meant to be with. The heart fluttering and warm feeling inside.

I hope to be able to get some more hugs from everyone once this all comes out. It’s a bit scarce at the moment.

Have a wonderful lunch with your work friend, I’m sure she will be fine as she knows what type of caring person you are.

Still trying to sought out the GP referral, will keep you updated.

Talk tonight - Tim.

[Only_I_know]

Thanks for the kind words mate. I hope that I'm seen that way. Yes the heart fluttering........

Sending you the hugs you need.

My bathroom scales broke last week, which is a real bummer as it means I can't check the progress of the exercise that I've been doing. I've ordered a new one on Ebay, it's bluetooth, digital and has a voice. The problem with that is that the last one I got on that had a voice, told me to get off.😂😂

I must be a fool, coz I laugh at my own jokes!