Toying with the idea of telling my wife that I'm gay

[Only_I_know]

The last 4 weeks have been sickening. I've cried countless times with the guilt and I'm so terrified. We've just celebrated 20years of marriage but I ruined it having cancelled our dinner date and night out in the city, because of the guilt had made me feel so sick. I'm not eating properly and now lost 10kg. She is the most beautiful woman I know and I hate myself for being gay. I just bloody hate it. No one else knows and it scares me to death. I have no one that I can vonfide in, and tggat makes me cry too. I've been mentally all over the place this last week, it's gotten so bad that I've started to think alot about death. Not that I think I'd do something dumb, but I can't stop thinking about suicide. I'm terrified about what my kids will think and my folks, who have shown themselves to be homophobic bigots in the past. I know they love me to death, and would probably be ok, but I'm really scared, like never before in 47 years. I question why I got married in the first place knowing I am gay, but I think I thought I could live a life hiding these feelings. I've never been with a guy in any way, but between the stress, guilt and anxiety, is all I think about. and I have been faithful as I really do love her with all my heart and it saddens me to break her heart, and mine. I've been playing it over and over in my head, I almost had a car accident today as I was crying and distracted, it's all totally consuming me. I think it may have been better, if not easier, if I had died, then No one would ever know, and her broken heart wouldn't be for knowing that her husband wasn't who she thought he was. It's really tough right now, talking to others over the last couple of weeks on this forum helped a bit, but I'm not sure if it is anymore, I know I'm sinking into some sort of depression and dont know what to do. I went to the dr about not eating, went for blood tests to see why, but I knew why. I was only going for the sake of my family. I wanted the dr to send me to a psychologist or something, but he wouldn'thave it. I'm really sick to death of it all, the lies, the confusion and the anxiety, and now lack of sleep. I'm thinking of telling her tomorrow but don't really think I'm brave enough. I'm a good person. It's just freakin fair.

[Definitely_Otherwise]

Glad to read that the move went well Daz and that you didn't injure yourself, and you enjoyed a nice meal with friends and family.

You'll create new routines, and your place will slowly start to feel like home when you have people over and entertain and chill out in the new space!

Enjoy

Def

[Johnny_11]

Hey Daz

I haven't been on for a while, thought I'd check in.

Glad the move went well, so happy for your that things are working out.

I'm just it will take some adjusting to, but its also exciting!!!

Cheers
John

[Only_I_know]

thanks Johnny & Def

yes, all good so far. keeping myself busy - walking one night a week with my friends then dinner at mine after (was usually theirs but I can now repay their kindness!), also dinner with the wife (or do I say ex now? I think that is going to be one of the hardest things), going to the movies tomorrow to see Boy Escaped (the gay conversion movie - I think I'll need the tissues!) and went 10 pin bowling tonight.

I think that is going to be the key for me, keep myself busy to start out, so I don't think too much about being on my own. after a while, it will just become the norm.

Anyway, hope you all are well, and thanks for checking in!

Daz

[Esti67]

Hey Daz,

Just checking in, how's life going as a single gay man? I'm interested to know what it's been like for you stepping out of your old life and into a new one. As you know, i will be doing this soon too and am excited at the thought but finding the guilt incredibly difficult to manage. I know it will ease in time but seeing the pain on my husbands face is very hard to be around day in day out. Hope good things are happening for you and that your new life is as good as you have imagined.

E

[Only_I_know]

Hey Esti, apologies for the late reply! thanks for continuing to take an interest in me! I've been out on my own now for a month, and it's been okay. I thought I'd get sad and down, but to be honest, I've kept myself really busy. I haven't actually had many nights where I have just sat down in my place, doing nothing. I've been out seeing friends, or they have been here, I've had my kids over, my wife over and of course work!

I went to the frontrunners xmas party on sunday and chatted to people that I'd seen, but never spoken to before, and it was really nice. I really am starting to feel quite good about myself.

In truth, because I've been so busy, I'm enjoying the night at home on my own. Tonight I've Netflix binged on Schitt's creek - just finished the last episode. Very funny show!

One thing my psych said to me, was to let go of the guilt. This was a very hard thing to do, and I guess I haven't fully let go, but I'm learning too. What has been done is done, what is going to happen will happen, you cannot put a stop to what has now started (all the clichés in one!). You deserve to be you now. You have given everyone else all of you over the years. I think you just need to do it, but be there for him too. He was a big part of your life, but the longer you procrastinate it will just extend the sadness you both are feeling.

My relationship with my wife (former?!?! hard to say otherwise) is great, she comes to visit. I cooked her breaky on sunday morning, gave her a big hug and kiss. It was beautiful. She will forever be my hero, and I will continue to love and support her no matter what. There is no reason why that will be any different for you.

Anyway, keep chatting, and again apologies for the late reply. Hope things are going well for you and things improve.

cheers

Daz

[Esti67]

Hey Daz,

I'm so glad that things are going well for you. After all you have been through you deserve to be happy. Last week was a bad week for me but this week is much better. My husband seems a lot better which takes the pressure off me. We've agreed to a timeline, tell the kids after Christmas and i move late January. He has also booked into a psychologist. My "arrangement/ friend with a lot of benefits" has surprisingly escalated into something really lovely and i am lucky that both she and my husband are being very patient and kind.

My instinct is that things will be ok in time and you are definately right, the procrastination is only prolonging the pain. Letting go of the guilt i think will also become easier as my husband becomes more accepting.

I want to thank you for your words of wisdom, i feel reassured by your story and that sometimes things can work out ok. All the very best to you.

E

[Only_I_know]

Hey Esti, hope you are still around and are ok. Again, life is keeping me busy and I'm feeling pretty good about myself. Things are just getting better and better all the time. My wife is well, and we talk most days. We still hug and kiss when we see each other. She is wonderful, I love her dearly - she is my hero.

Did your husband find a psychologist? Hopefully he has and everything is coming along for you.

Hope you have a great xmas, don't worry or stress about what the new year will bring. It is a time for you to enjoy being with your family and loved ones. Just enjoy it.

Take Care

Daz

[Definitely_Otherwise]

Great to read that you are doing really well Daz and you're out on your own in your own place.

I watched the show on Netflix about Armistead Maupin last night. You forget how far we have come, and then Philip Ruddock and Scott Morrison remind me in many sectors of the community, we most certainly have not.

I didn't like how he outed Rock Hudson publicly. Didn't like that at all. I thought that was not his place.

Enjoy the summer sun tan.

Hope to see you in March at Mardi Gras, right up the front.

Def

[Only_I_know]

Hey Def, thanks and Happy New Year! Hope it brings whatever you desire! Going to be another biggy for me I think!

As for Mardi Gras - well, I doubt that you'll see me there - especially up front! I'm still a little too shy! Maybe next year!

Though I am planning on attending the Pride March in Melbourne this year - my mind is still blowing up from the fact that I've come out! The feeling is good, and Happy.

take care

Daz

[C4]

Hi Darren glad your going ok I'm thinking of going to pride with my bowls group this year so it should be good . Hope your going ok