Toying with the idea of telling my wife that I'm gay

[Only_I_know]

The last 4 weeks have been sickening. I've cried countless times with the guilt and I'm so terrified. We've just celebrated 20years of marriage but I ruined it having cancelled our dinner date and night out in the city, because of the guilt had made me feel so sick. I'm not eating properly and now lost 10kg. She is the most beautiful woman I know and I hate myself for being gay. I just bloody hate it. No one else knows and it scares me to death. I have no one that I can vonfide in, and tggat makes me cry too. I've been mentally all over the place this last week, it's gotten so bad that I've started to think alot about death. Not that I think I'd do something dumb, but I can't stop thinking about suicide. I'm terrified about what my kids will think and my folks, who have shown themselves to be homophobic bigots in the past. I know they love me to death, and would probably be ok, but I'm really scared, like never before in 47 years. I question why I got married in the first place knowing I am gay, but I think I thought I could live a life hiding these feelings. I've never been with a guy in any way, but between the stress, guilt and anxiety, is all I think about. and I have been faithful as I really do love her with all my heart and it saddens me to break her heart, and mine. I've been playing it over and over in my head, I almost had a car accident today as I was crying and distracted, it's all totally consuming me. I think it may have been better, if not easier, if I had died, then No one would ever know, and her broken heart wouldn't be for knowing that her husband wasn't who she thought he was. It's really tough right now, talking to others over the last couple of weeks on this forum helped a bit, but I'm not sure if it is anymore, I know I'm sinking into some sort of depression and dont know what to do. I went to the dr about not eating, went for blood tests to see why, but I knew why. I was only going for the sake of my family. I wanted the dr to send me to a psychologist or something, but he wouldn'thave it. I'm really sick to death of it all, the lies, the confusion and the anxiety, and now lack of sleep. I'm thinking of telling her tomorrow but don't really think I'm brave enough. I'm a good person. It's just freakin fair.

[BB19]

Hey Daz

I am sorry, my story should not be on your thread. Your thread is about coming out your wife stories, and stories of hope when doing so. And the support you will get when you do so on here is amazing.

Sorry I am dumping my stuff here.

[Only_I_know]

Bb19, no problems posting here. You post where you want.

We're all here to help and support each other.

Posting here is a start. Calling someone is another. Seeing someone yet another, all are confronting, but it does get easier, I promise.

The benefits are out of this world.

Cheers Daz

[C4]

I’m so sorry mate makes my pathetic excuse for coming out pale by comparison

[Definitely_Otherwise]

Hey BB19, I just went and had a hot cuppa and am enjoying listening to the rain come over the suburbs of Sydney. I'm sure that Daz would say dump away. It's no different to mental health intersecting sexuality. It all criss-crosses BB19. Let the tears fall BB19, they have been held in for so long. I was numb for years and even though I broke it was a relief to finally cry. You would be horrified how common it is. I think the hardest thing is overcoming the shame and humiliation and the beating myself up on the inside. I know its not easy to do but, try and don't give into that self-deprecating inner voice that a lot of survivors have. I reckon that is the hardest part of all of it. We blamed ourselves for so long and it is this constant shadow in our psyche and heart and mind. Taming it is so so hard.

I totally understand you aren't keen on therapy. I was forced by my mental ill health. Maybe for some people it is better not to go to therapy. I don't believe in forcing people to open up about something that by its very nature left us feeling powerless, and destroyed our self-worth. The power should always rest with you now BB19, and never let anyone pressure you into anything you don't want to do. I was trying to remember some websites a friend had told me about because her 27 year old son is currently facing his past. I couldn't remember the names but I did some Googling and found one that may be it, called 1in6. It looks American, but I just spent some time on it reading the personal stories, maybe you could check out the website mate?......man, just so god damn sad. So, so sad.

Thanks for the YouTube tip I spend heaps of time on YouTube too! Nothing like the catharsis of music hey.

Just remember BB19 that you are a person of dignity BB19. I completely understand how hard the journey is, to actually feel dignified and not worthless as a result of those events.

I wonder if you didn't chose counselling you could tell your plutonic gay mate friend?

A warm embrace to you BB19.

Def

[Blue_Simon]

Hey Craig,

Your reasons for coming out are as valid and personal as anyone on here. They are YOUR reasons. No one else can blame your for them, claim them, discount them, ridicule them or negate them. They are personal and painful reasons that do not require you to justify them to anyone. Like you, this week has been a roller coaster of some of the most painful thoughts and feelings of my life. It has also brought on some of the most powerful feelings of relief, unconditional love and acceptance. I am exhausted and I can only imagine you are too. Don’t give up on yourself and your happiness.

Try to find some momentary peace within your thoughts. Please also take comfort from my concern for you. You are a worthy, compassionate and genuine man who deserves to find peace within himself and live the life he desires.

Thanks for posting today. It makes me happy to hear from you again on the thread. Thinking of you mate, look after yourself.

Tim.

[Scared_and_lonley]

Hey mate, and everyone on here. It’s 04:30 and I’ve been awake since midnight reading these posts and hearing my own story. I’m 50. Married with two kids and although it’s hard to admit to myself, I’m gay. Even typing that is painful which is so ridiculous. I guess I’ve always known, well scratch that. There’s no guessing about it. I have always known. Although I’ve kidded myself that I’m “bi” for many of those years. im posting because I’m also at that point in my life where I want to tell my wife. I’m sick of living a lie. Of being fake. Wearing a mask. But I’m so selfishly worried about how it will all end up. I don’t want to be alone. I love being a dad and a husband and the whole family unit. I’m just not attracted to women. BB19 like you I’ve also had a couple of encounters with men while being married. I felt so disgusted with my self. I ended up telling her. It was devestatinf. But we worked through it. I’m such a low life I played it as if I had been taken advantage of while drunk. Which was bs. Although I was drunk. We agreed to never talk about it again. I don’t know what to do. I’m so sick of this.

[C4]

Hi there and welcome to the forum I’m Craig and whilst I’m not in the best mind frame to give the best advice at the moment just know your not alone on here and there are some great people who can give advice better than myself. I came out 14 months ago whilst being married 16 years and it’s been hard for me right now emotionally and mentally. Post when you can mate you’ll get all the support that you need and once again welcome to the forum .

[Blue_Simon]

Hi Scared and lonely,

Welcome to the forum and believe me, you have taken a positive step by sharing your thoughts and fears with people who understand. Hi I’m Tim, Craig is right, you will be welcome and supported here with a lot of really good information. As you now know I came out to my wife of 19 years just 7 days ago. It was the most painful experience I have gone through and is set to continue for years. The point is thought that after only 7 days, I feel a sense of relief that I thought I would never experience. Like you, I told myself that maybe I was “bi” for the past 25 years, but to be honest with myself, I have known I was gay for the past 40 years.

You will find that all of the same feelings of loss, loneliness, regret are shared amongst us all. The fear of loosing the family unit effects many of us the most because We also love that part of our lives like you do. Emotional attachment is a very powerful thing but that does not need to disappear. I am very much emotionally attached to my wife still and feel that this will never change, however, as you mentioned, I was sick of living a lie.

I was terrified of how it would end up. Although just at the beginning of the journey, I have already experienced hatred, loathing, devastation, denial. Amazingly I have also experienced my amazing wife returning to a point where she is now asking questions, showing concern and joining me in the journey. It’s not easy for either of us but we will do what is right for us. If that does not conform to what society expects, tuff! Everyone will be different however you may be surprised.

Please join us regularly and discuss your feelings. Know that you are not judged here and are amongst friends, men and women just like you. Don’t keep this inside any longer, talking can be an amazing release and comfort.

Tim.

[Only_I_know]

Hi Scared and lonley, Craig and Tim are spot on. This place is a safe place that you can talk on without judgement. We're all friends here. Welcome to our club!

You can see there has been a number of men here that have come out to their wives, some a little while ago, and some very recently. We've all experienced the pain and anguish, self hatred and loathing, the feeling of letting down those that we love. I am still in love with my wife of 20 years, and I love my 2 kids and my family life. Bug I wouldn't have survived much longer had I not come out. If you have read the posts from the start then you know all about us already.

So again, as per what Tim and Craig have said, welcome. Speak to us, we are here listening and will support as much as we can.

Feel free to ask any question, nothing is taboo.

You've come to the right place, the first step in many. We can't tell you that it will be easy, but we'll be here for you regardless.

Cheers

Daz

[C4]

To be honest with you guys I feel at the moment I’m the only one who’s taken a step backwards in the last couple of months and I’m sorry my comments aren’t the positive ones you need the hear and that they’re not worthy to b on your post Darren I’m sorry for that . Maybe I’ll post my story one day but I don’t want to add to the negativity that my support gives off . I don’t know what more I can offer anymore I feel so empty and soulless and emotional all the time . I hope everyone if having a better day than me . Thanks for being supportive to me anyway.