Toying with the idea of telling my wife that I'm gay

[Only_I_know]

The last 4 weeks have been sickening. I've cried countless times with the guilt and I'm so terrified. We've just celebrated 20years of marriage but I ruined it having cancelled our dinner date and night out in the city, because of the guilt had made me feel so sick. I'm not eating properly and now lost 10kg. She is the most beautiful woman I know and I hate myself for being gay. I just bloody hate it. No one else knows and it scares me to death. I have no one that I can vonfide in, and tggat makes me cry too. I've been mentally all over the place this last week, it's gotten so bad that I've started to think alot about death. Not that I think I'd do something dumb, but I can't stop thinking about suicide. I'm terrified about what my kids will think and my folks, who have shown themselves to be homophobic bigots in the past. I know they love me to death, and would probably be ok, but I'm really scared, like never before in 47 years. I question why I got married in the first place knowing I am gay, but I think I thought I could live a life hiding these feelings. I've never been with a guy in any way, but between the stress, guilt and anxiety, is all I think about. and I have been faithful as I really do love her with all my heart and it saddens me to break her heart, and mine. I've been playing it over and over in my head, I almost had a car accident today as I was crying and distracted, it's all totally consuming me. I think it may have been better, if not easier, if I had died, then No one would ever know, and her broken heart wouldn't be for knowing that her husband wasn't who she thought he was. It's really tough right now, talking to others over the last couple of weeks on this forum helped a bit, but I'm not sure if it is anymore, I know I'm sinking into some sort of depression and dont know what to do. I went to the dr about not eating, went for blood tests to see why, but I knew why. I was only going for the sake of my family. I wanted the dr to send me to a psychologist or something, but he wouldn'thave it. I'm really sick to death of it all, the lies, the confusion and the anxiety, and now lack of sleep. I'm thinking of telling her tomorrow but don't really think I'm brave enough. I'm a good person. It's just freakin fair.

[Only_I_know]

Hey mate, just checking in on you.

Daz

[Blue_Simon]

Hey Daz,

Just sitting in an empty house trying to study. Not really getting a lot done under the circumstances.

Still just trying to come to terms with what I have done and how this is all going to work.

Hope the moving of furniture went well?

[Ruby__2]

Hi for today,

I am sorry that this road is hard for you and your wife.Things will be up and down for quite a while.

Does your wife has a trusted best friend?Allow her to vent.My husband told me whilst he was in a psychiatric unit. So it was in a controlled setting. By the time he came home ,I had somewhat adjusted.

You both need to work out what you want for yourselves individually. We stay under the one roof for financial reasons, but I did seek legal advice and we are separated.

Our kids are adults so they know.While still shocked they have grown up in a society more accepting.

I have just started working after 18yrs at home.Changes are hard,try to take each day and find one thing that lifts your mood.I go for loooong walks along a river.Just getting outside helps.

Seek support where you can.Everyone needs help sometimes. These forums are great.

Keep talking with your wife.She needs to know that you understand her feelings and are willing to help her.

All the best for days ahead.Beyond blue has some great resources.Try and get rest and exercise, have some distractions-it helps to clear your head.

Ruby

[Only_I_know]

Yeah mate, furniture move went well. I posted but it hasn't appeared yet.

Don't think too hard. It's early days, things will work out I'm sure. It was always going to be big tough news for your wife to grasp. I told my wife about your situation and she feels for both of you. She understands better than any of us what your wife is going through. I think for her she had suspected something so it hadn't been such a big surprise. I take it yours had no idea at all?

Is your house empty only because you are studying? Nothing more drastic?

Daz

[Blue_Simon]

All good Daz,

My wife has taken our daughter and one of her girlfriends to enjoy a normal afternoon. My daughter saw us both on the floor in tears this morning so knows something is very wrong. Her little face looked so concerned for both of us. We are working on ensuring she does not suffer too much. Time will tell.

I look forward to reading your post of how your day has gone. I will stay in touch over coming days to fill you in. Enjoy your night mate and the start of the working week.

Tim.

[Only_I_know]

You too mate. Just remember to not get too down. Talk everything through together, and I'll repeat again, keep communication open.

If you and yor wife can try and smile and at least hug, let your daughter see the love, it will put her at ease a bit. And don't forget to alert her school that something is going on at home, even if you don't explain it. They will be able to observe any small changes in her.

Good luck mate.

Daz

[Blue_Simon]

Hi Ruby 2,

Thank you again for contributing to the thread. Your perspective is very important to me at the moment as well. You are someone who knows what my wife is going through like Darren and Craig know what I’m going through. I continue to talk to her and realise it’s just going to talk a very long time to adjust for everyone. She isn’t coping well at all again today and we have become instantly distant. I am trying but it is soul destroying to see this person I love in so much pain, because of me wanting to be a truer me. My daughter came looking for me tonight and asked where did daddy go”’, my wife answered her by saying, “yes, where did daddy go”?, I was standing right there in front of them. My heart broke again.

[Ruby__2]

Oh Blue Simon,

How heartbreaking for you.Your wife sounds as if she is lashing out through your daughter.

Your wife is hurting but needs to be the adult for your child.Your relationship with your wife is different to your relationship to your daughter.To her you are mummy and daddy and adult concerns are not hers.

Try and keep reminding your daughter that you are always there.Create some Dad and daughter memories.Don't succumb to using her as a bargaining tool.You will always be her Dad.Children are more resilient than we give them credit for.

Try and be the one who acts with integrity.You know your wife is struggling, but your daughter doesn't have to. Speak to your wife when your daughter is in bed and remind her that whilst you two may not be "together"you have created a family.Stop comparing things to what they should have been and work towards how your lives will function in the future.

You have shown great strength in disclosing.Perhaps you could attend marriage counseling together ?Remember you are not responsible for your wife's reactions,but counseling may help you both understand each other a little more.It is a non judgmental space but honesty is the key to getting the most out of it.

I do wish you well.Look after yourself,seek out an understanding GP .Like most things in life,this will pass and eventually a resolution will be found.Give it time.

Ruby

[C4]

Hi mate I just got back from seeing a childhood friend I haven’t seen for 28 years I’m sorry your wife is hurting and making you feel guilty with your daughter present . My wife was hurt for a while too but it will pass eventually the difference with me was she moved out that night and didn’t stay again until it was time to organise the house but I still saw the hurt in her eyes I struggled to look at her because of the guilt of it all . It will pass give it time once she processes what’s happened. It may no seem right but you did the right thing by her I always said to my wife that I set her free from me and now she can move forward to find someone that can give her what I couldn’t. Try to be strong mate were here for you .

[Only_I_know]

Mate Ruby is right, when you and your wife are alone, very gently talk about what effect this is having on your daughter. Your wife will blame you, but it isn't about assigning blame, right now it is about your girl. None of this is about you doing what you needed to, you know you couldn't continue, you were sinking down so low.

When you get a moment with just you and your little girl, remind her how much you love her, how important she is to you, and that daddy's and their baby girls share a special bond that can never be broken. Ask her what she thinks, and try to answer any questions she has without explaining the adult stuff. If you make her feel that you want and value her opinion, then she will know how much you love her no matter what happens and what others say. Try and not be negative towards your wife, as Ruby said be the one to act with integrity.

Have you sorted your health plan? When is your appt with the psych? Hopefully sooner rather than later.

Mate, really am sending you positive vibes and thoughts.

It's only been a few nights, give it time and try and remain strong.

Daz