Toying with the idea of telling my wife that I'm gay

[Only_I_know]

The last 4 weeks have been sickening. I've cried countless times with the guilt and I'm so terrified. We've just celebrated 20years of marriage but I ruined it having cancelled our dinner date and night out in the city, because of the guilt had made me feel so sick. I'm not eating properly and now lost 10kg. She is the most beautiful woman I know and I hate myself for being gay. I just bloody hate it. No one else knows and it scares me to death. I have no one that I can vonfide in, and tggat makes me cry too. I've been mentally all over the place this last week, it's gotten so bad that I've started to think alot about death. Not that I think I'd do something dumb, but I can't stop thinking about suicide. I'm terrified about what my kids will think and my folks, who have shown themselves to be homophobic bigots in the past. I know they love me to death, and would probably be ok, but I'm really scared, like never before in 47 years. I question why I got married in the first place knowing I am gay, but I think I thought I could live a life hiding these feelings. I've never been with a guy in any way, but between the stress, guilt and anxiety, is all I think about. and I have been faithful as I really do love her with all my heart and it saddens me to break her heart, and mine. I've been playing it over and over in my head, I almost had a car accident today as I was crying and distracted, it's all totally consuming me. I think it may have been better, if not easier, if I had died, then No one would ever know, and her broken heart wouldn't be for knowing that her husband wasn't who she thought he was. It's really tough right now, talking to others over the last couple of weeks on this forum helped a bit, but I'm not sure if it is anymore, I know I'm sinking into some sort of depression and dont know what to do. I went to the dr about not eating, went for blood tests to see why, but I knew why. I was only going for the sake of my family. I wanted the dr to send me to a psychologist or something, but he wouldn'thave it. I'm really sick to death of it all, the lies, the confusion and the anxiety, and now lack of sleep. I'm thinking of telling her tomorrow but don't really think I'm brave enough. I'm a good person. It's just freakin fair.

[Blue_Simon]

Hi guys,

I hope you both a good day today and you are both fit and well.

Darren I hope you psych appt went wel today and you were able to sit and talk this over. I am very quickly realising that I’m going to need to keep talking about this otherwise I’m not going to manage this very well at all. I’m down again and still just so scared about the near future and beyond. It’s hard believe have you can for the highs and lows so quickly. One day I’m feeling like a new me and the next I can’t bare the thought of life with my girls.

It would just be easier if I crawled back into myself and resumed the way I have known how to live for so long. Then I think to myself that that train has left the station on is now gathering speed. I’m just so confused and alone.

I did ring Qlife this afternoon on the way home and got through in just 2 go’s. The lovely lady there talked to me for some time and offered a lot of guidance and comments. She has given me the number to Relationships Australia Rainbow councillors here in Brisbane as well as a gay psych close to my work at the airport. She has also explained about a mental health plan which I will be soughting out as quickly as possible. Don’t get me wrong guys, I know I can’t take these feelings to my grave and need to be honest. It’s just so hard to deal with. I don’t know how you two have done this. I don’t even feel that anyone would want to be with me intimately. Am I about to destroy the only person who actually wants me to be intimate with me?

So, so sorry again for dragging you both down after all you have given me. I hope I haven’t ruined your days. I wish I could hold someone and have him say that it will be OK.

Blue Simon is feeling pretty blue.

[Blue_Simon]

God I must be losing it, the last post was supposed to read “life without my girls”, now I just sound heartless.

[Only_I_know]

Mate, sorry to hear you are feeling blue. I'm sending happy thoughts and mental h ugs right now & saying that it will be ok. Not the same as the real thing, but best I can do.

Unfortunately the real highs and lows will be a thing for a while but you know we're here to give you a hand up.

My psych did go very well, he's great.

Glad you rang Qlife and been referred to a gay psych.This will be better than any other, as they will come from experience. Go to Dr and get your mental health care plan immediately. Don't stuff around-it took me a few days to get as they ask questions (unless your Dr does it differently). The care plan means you get 10 psych appts half paid for by Medicare. Now it will still cost you some $, my out of pocket is $85 per session, so you need to know this. Your work employee program might be free, but the psych may not be as effective. What price for the right help? Also make the Psych appt for as soon as poss. I can promise it will help. Is the gay psych part of your work program? maybe check.

You seem to already realise that crawling back into your old self is dumb, so don't let yourself even go there. Take a deep breath and change the subject. Can you talk to your friend/colleague?

Everything you've said is exactly what I did, but I got through it and so will you. I never thought I would. What I didn't say before was that after reading the book Simon Vs the Homosapien Agenda (Love, Simon) I wrote to the author, to say how much it affected me. I said that I WOULD NEVER - well look now.

It is tough, I know.

Don't even think about the intimacy with a guy, right now it isn't important. Anyway, you sound awesome, so I'm sure you will find him. And do you really want to be intimate with your wife anymore? will your heart be in it? I think not, you will be thinking of someone else, and that's probably not fair on her (or you). Even though the thoughts consume me (more so lately) I still haven't found intimacy.

You haven't ruined my day - you never will do that no matter what you post. I'm the only one that can ruin my day, by letting the negative thoughts course through my head. You are in control, even though it may not feel like it. When the negative demon on your shoulder start to yack at you, look to the other shoulder and ask the little angel what he'd say (if it helps, think of us as the angel on the shoulder).

And you aren't alone, you have us. We're sitting in the man cave having a beer & waiting.

thinking of you, your mate Daz

[Only_I_know]

mate, sorry but i'm gunna say it like I would to any other of my mates to this last post.

God I must be losing it, the last post was supposed to read “life without my girls”, now I just sound heartless.

Don't be bleedin dumb. I can read and pick up typos (remember I've just finished writing an 80,000 word novel) don't you think I made loads of mistakes?

Actually, I'd really like to use a few expletives, that's what I'd normally do with a mate, but swearing here is not nice.

Spell checking your work isn't easy when your glum.

Don't forget to listen to the angels on your shoulder when you lie down to sleep tonight. He will be saying "You are awesome, and you are loved". Just keep repeating it over and over.

cheers

Daz

[Blue_Simon]

Hey mate,

Thanks for the advice about the psych and the cost involved. The gay one I have been referred to is not from my work but I will pay what is required to deal with this. I must deal with this.

Thanks also for the kick in the bum, I deserved that and I’m sorry.

Thanks for the hug, I so needed that.

and thanks for being that angel on my shoulder.

I’m sitting here, as I do every night at my computer trying to write a Human Factors in Aviation assignment for Uni. I would rather just talk to you, you interest me far more. I don’t quite know how I’m doing two Uni subjects and dealing with all of this. My head is going to explode.

Anyway , as always, thanks mate.

[Only_I_know]

Well you are making me blush now. I've never been told before that I'm interesting! haha!

And really, you've got to stop apologising on here. It is all about your thoughts, and the processes going on in your head. I'm no psychologist, but having gone through all this recently, I now understand what you need - what I needed - and will help you with the support whenever I can.

I can't help you with your Uni - unfortunately through family circumstance I had to leave school after grade 10 and have never had the opportunity to go back. I'm not dumb by any means, or uneducated, but just not uni level. I've often thought about doing something, and maybe I will around creative writing if I can get my book published. I actually think that your assignment is an opportunity to remove your focus from your thoughts, to your assignment.

I am however, helping my son with some of his yr 11 media homework, he needs to write a story board for a horror movie, then in the next few weeks create it in an animation program. I'm the creative one in my family here, lots of ideas and I can see things where things aren't, and hence me writing my book. And no don't apologise for interrupting (I can just about hear you say it as you read this). I think I may have missed my calling, but maybe if I run I might catch it!

Why don't you find yourself some small talisman that means something to you or represents something that sends you to a "happy place", something small that you can put on a keyring or a necklace and no one else will notice. And every time you start feeling a bit blue, hold it in your hand, and focus on that? Maybe not something that will remind you of your wife or daughter, as that is what is causing you grief now.

And don't let your head explode, it'll make too much of a mess. Sorry, one of my coping mechanisms has always been humour - I LOVE to laugh, and I LOVE making others laugh even more! In fact I walked into the tea room at work yesterday and one of my colleagues was really angry and complaining to another colleague, and I've just gone up to them, interrupting them, and started poking fun at him. He knows I'm coming from a good place, and when I opened my arms wide and said "Does someone need a cuddle?" he just burst into laughter, shook his head and walked off. But did thank me for lifting his mood!

They say laughter is the best medicine!

So sending you another cuddle, I hope I've made you at least smile tonight, if not laugh. Good luck with the Uni assignment.

[C4]

Hi guys sorry I didn’t post yesterday it was an emotional morning for me I had my counseling which was very confrontational about my past dealing with rejection and self acceptance. It gets on top of me sometimes trying to accept myself and not think being gay is wrong . Maybe it’s a generational thing as an 80s child or my upbringing but the counseling is working but it’s slower than expected. After that I went and had lunch with a friend from my group which was lovely I’ve had it twice now with him and he’s a lovely man so the rest of the day was ok . We all have down days mine are more these days probably because I’m lonely and have no one I’m my life to share things with . Sorry it be negative guys when your going through your own emotional thoughts it’s just hard sometimes to get out of the hole of depression. Hope your day is going ok .

[Blue_Simon]

Good morning mate, please don’t apologise it’s all good. I almost didn’t post yesterday either but I feel like I’m not alone when talking to you guys.

Im really glad that your counseling is helping you deal with all of this. I think when I start mine next week with a gay psych I will be confronting very similar issues.

Your new friend sounds really nice and clearly is someone you like spending time with. Just enjoy the company and communication between the two of you. I now know what it’s like to be lonely inside also. I’m feeling you pain and can only offer my time, support and understanding through this forum. I wish I could do more. I’m sending you the biggest hug to let you know your in my heart.

Please continue to communicate with me, Darren & the rest of this thread. I don’t know what I would have done over the last week if I hadn’t found you guys.

try to have a nice day mate - Tim.

[Blue_Simon]

Hey Darren,

Yes you do make me laugh, I’m like you, humour is my coping mechanism as well.

I never went to Uni either when I left school. I did do Yr12 and then went and became a pilot. Once again, I did something that I thought I wanted and was expected of me. My dad was a Captain for many airlines for 40 yrs. That all stopped when my lungs collapsed about 6 yrs into it and once I had a license. I should have followed my passion which was exactly what your son is doing, visual effects and animation. I too am the creative around here. Oh the places I could be now. Anyway, I salvaged an aviation career and do enjoy this industry hence now doing a Grad Cert in Aviation Management just to feel that I have accomplished something myself.

You sound like an amazingly gifted man, your writing ablilities sound incredible and I would love to read you book, really. The ability to make someone at you work feel good by going out of your way to show that you care, even when you have so many things going on is truely inspiring and demonstrates that you are very special. I know you are not a psychologist but the help you are giving me feels like it’s that good. Thank you so much.

I promise I will stop apologising also.

I just rang the medical centre that I normally go to and mentioned I needed to see a doctor for a mental health plan. They said unless I have a regular doctor, they would not give me one. I’m not sure what to do now as I don’t really have a family doctor any more. Any ideas?

Have a wonderful day my friend.

[Only_I_know]

Morning chaps, I posted last night but it's just appeared above.

Chin up guys, just take a long deep breath, and exhale. Think happy thoughts. I know is hard.

My work is giving me the heebie gebies and making me cranky, on top of everything else, but I'm doing my breathing and it's working.

Hope your day goes well, will talk later

Darren