Toying with the idea of telling my wife that I'm gay

[Only_I_know]

The last 4 weeks have been sickening. I've cried countless times with the guilt and I'm so terrified. We've just celebrated 20years of marriage but I ruined it having cancelled our dinner date and night out in the city, because of the guilt had made me feel so sick. I'm not eating properly and now lost 10kg. She is the most beautiful woman I know and I hate myself for being gay. I just bloody hate it. No one else knows and it scares me to death. I have no one that I can vonfide in, and tggat makes me cry too. I've been mentally all over the place this last week, it's gotten so bad that I've started to think alot about death. Not that I think I'd do something dumb, but I can't stop thinking about suicide. I'm terrified about what my kids will think and my folks, who have shown themselves to be homophobic bigots in the past. I know they love me to death, and would probably be ok, but I'm really scared, like never before in 47 years. I question why I got married in the first place knowing I am gay, but I think I thought I could live a life hiding these feelings. I've never been with a guy in any way, but between the stress, guilt and anxiety, is all I think about. and I have been faithful as I really do love her with all my heart and it saddens me to break her heart, and mine. I've been playing it over and over in my head, I almost had a car accident today as I was crying and distracted, it's all totally consuming me. I think it may have been better, if not easier, if I had died, then No one would ever know, and her broken heart wouldn't be for knowing that her husband wasn't who she thought he was. It's really tough right now, talking to others over the last couple of weeks on this forum helped a bit, but I'm not sure if it is anymore, I know I'm sinking into some sort of depression and dont know what to do. I went to the dr about not eating, went for blood tests to see why, but I knew why. I was only going for the sake of my family. I wanted the dr to send me to a psychologist or something, but he wouldn'thave it. I'm really sick to death of it all, the lies, the confusion and the anxiety, and now lack of sleep. I'm thinking of telling her tomorrow but don't really think I'm brave enough. I'm a good person. It's just freakin fair.

[Only_I_know]

Ok, so now I'm sitting here watching the footy getting cranky and on my 4th large glass of whiskey on ice.

Off to a wine tour tomorrow with the LGBT walking group, so looking forward to that.

I find myself continually daydreaming about meeting someone, but afraid as well. I get scared at the thought of being out on my own, but excited too. I don't feel that I have the right to be excited. I worry that my wife and kids will be hurt if I look forward to it. I'm sure that I deserve to be happy.

Tim, I really hope you find some sort of peace soon, as it won't be easy, as I am finding it, but oh so glad that I have done it. I love my kids and am glad that they are ok with me being me, but I'm finding myself in limbo and wishing the settlement on my unit wasn't so far away.

I think that I really want to experience what I should have long ago. But that could be the 3rd of a bottle of whisky talking too.

Tim, you will have a long road too, but please don't be put off. Deciding to remain as you are won't help you or your wife or your daughter. You mentioned that parents sacrifice themselves for their kids, and that is true. But your daughter wouldn't want you to be in pain either.

When she is older, if you haven't allowed yourself to be true to yourself so she has a "normal" upbringing, how will she feel? There are a lot of kids from split homes, so that could be normal too. My daughter has come to terms with that at 10yo.

I love my kids more than life, but I know that they want me to be happy too.

Well the footy is over and we won, so I'm happy now.

Tim, I cannot express how much that I feel for you, but can promise you that you are on the right path. Doing anything other than what is right for you is just wrong. It doesn't help your wife either, by putting it off.

I really hope you are okay and today with your friend's and family helped you forget your worries for a short time.

have a great weekend mate

Darren

[C4]

Thanks Birdy77 appreciate it so much as I would hope that Darren and Tim will this is our connection to the gay world and our common link having been married before so there posts hit home to me as only they could know . I just want them to know it does get better over time as it’s been 14 months for me so don’t despair take one day at at time and post as much as you want . We all have different journeys to where we are now but just know that your supported on here by me and many others . I hope to keep posting on here even on my bad days to support the others and together we’ll get through it .

[Only_I_know]

Thanks Birdy77, You are a wonderful person too. You've made some lovely comments through my journey and I don't think you can ever understand how much it helped me. I am on my way to being a happy man, and I truly believe that if I hadn't been here on this forum, that things would be so different for me. I either wouldn't have come out, or I would have done something dumb!

I love you all! And thank you for your continued support.

Darren

[Only_I_know]

Well said my friend. I know I've probably had a little too much to drink, but that was the footy, nothing else!

This forum has saved me I think, as has the support from - I'm going to call you my friends - as that is how I think of you.

Chances are we'll never see each other, but just knowing that you have had my back with love and support has helped pull me through what I have gone through.

Have an absolute amazing week. Unfortunately I didn't win the $100 mil in powerball this week, but thems the break!

Cheers Darren

[C4]

Your welcome mate we’re all friends on here but you and Tim hold a special place in my heart so thanks for your support as well

[Blue_Simon]

Thank you Birdy77 for the lovely words. You are right, the support Darren and Craig are showing me is truely heartwarming and I would never have expected to become part of their world and to have them care so much for me.

Darren and Craig, I do consider you my new friends also. I’m proud to call you both that. Once again Craig your advice is so powerful and moving. Keep it coming as I’m am going to need oceans of it. Darren, I too cannot tell you how you are making me feel. You are certainly making me feel loved in this community. I know that my journey will be very long and more difficult than a man could possibly bear, but I know that I will emerge a better man.

In the last 5 days I already feel more like a man than I ever have, that is thanks to you two, my friends,

Darren, I’m glad your team won today, enjoy the whiskey. I will enjoy one also and share it in “spirit” with you.

Craig, please don’t cry for me, it is me who is crying due to the love you have shown.

Have a wonderful Sunday friends, who knows what the new week will bring.

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜 Tim.

[Only_I_know]

God morning mate, it's 7.15am on Sunday morning and I'm sitting on the train to the city, to catch the wine tour bus. It's freezing cold and wet, what the hell am I doing? I could still be tucked up all cozy in my bed! I hope the wine, food and company of strangers is good!

I must say that reading your last post makes me a little emotional, I again recognize myself in your words.

You sound a little better, hopeful maybe? Nervous, yes. Maybe a little determination is setting in?

Whatever you decide to do and when, remember we are here for you.

Our friendship is born from a common struggle, needing to know that we weren't actually alone in this.

It would be nice to sit and have a beer with friends that actually get it, as opposed to life long friends that say they do.

It makes me really happy to know that I'm helping you through this, and that in turn actually helps me with my down moments.

As far as crying for you, sorry but that won't stop! These are emotional times and it comes with the territory! It makes it real. Many of the tears are of joy though, and there WILL be joy for you too.

Have a great day,

Talk soon

Darren

[Blue_Simon]

Hi Darren,

I hope you are well and have had a very enjoyable Sunday on the wine tour meeting new people. Sorry to hear the weather is rubbish down there although a few big glasses of red would have warmed you up.

I am feeling a little better today and are slowly accepting what I have to, and now want to do. I don’t know how to act at the moment as the day to day routine of this life feels normal and natural, although in my heart it should be different. We had a family day out today with friends. The kids all played and we, the adults did the normal stuff. Sitting there feels uncomfortable now as I have admitted to myself who I am and it’s not exactly what I openly display. My wife is still being blindly supportive and knows I’m going through “something”.

Thank you for crying for me, it makes me feel even more supported and cared for. I wish you didn’t have too though. I haven’t cried for a few days, perhaps it’s because everyone’s around and if they see me they WILL want to know why. I will save the tears for private, when I read this forum, and for the psychologist.

I pray that you and Craig continue to post as often as you can. I love hearing your thoughts and feeling the heartfelt concern for me.

I too long for that beer you mentioned.

Stay safe my friend,

Tim.

[Only_I_know]

Hey Tim,

The wine tour was very nice, felt a bit awkward at times as I didn't really know anyone, but I was determined to give it a go. I sometimes have a bit of trouble talking to new people, what to say and do, and should I just go and introduce myself to someone. I find that difficult, especially when I am the staightest gay man there! I tend to give too much info about myself, and then wonder if they think I'm a weirdo, but the people are really nice and if they think I am (a weirdo) they didn't say. I see them most Saturday mornings so now at least I know another face or 2 to say hello to.

This is the new world now, so I (we) just have to go with it. Everyday I now find myself wanting to experience the intimacy with another man more and more and it just about consumes me, constantly daydreaming about it. One minute wanting someone experienced to guide me through it, the next to have someone not experienced so we can learn together. I'm not the type to just go to a "place" and be with a complete stranger, I've never really wanted to sleep around. I want to be a lover, and be loved back, I'd be happy to just find that one guy for the rest of my days. One of the guys hit the nail on the head and said I would soon actually only feel 18 in gay years - and I couldn't disagree as that is exactly how I feel - like a teenager that can't wait for "IT", but scared out of my mind too.

The feeling is very different to what I felt before I came out. Before, I knew I wanted sex with a guy (and dreamt about it), but it was more about actually coming out, and now it is about the real desires & is a lot more intense. Heaven help me when I actually get to experience it.

But I've decided I need a makeover, to drop some weight and get new clothes - & just get rid of the old pretending to be straight guy.

You know, there is no reason you couldn't join an LGBT group like Bris bane Fron t runners before you say anything, and get to know some gay guys. There wont be expectations from them for you to say you are out, it'll be assumed. That could help as you'd feel part of it. And you can just tell people you have joined a walking/running group. I'm not fit enough to run, so I just walk, but hope to over time.

Anyway, have a great week, I'll be checking in daily as I'm keen to hear updates from you on how you are going. Don't feel under pressure to do anything until you are ready. This is your journey to finding you, no one else's. We are all along for the ride though.

Darren

[C4]

Hi Darren and Tim I hope you had a good day with little stress my day was good today I had lunch with someone from my local lgbt group and it was great and we’re going to do it again soon . On one hand it was good to see him and on the other I was said because my other friend I feel turned his back on me because he thought I had feelings other than friendship for him but I just wanted his company and go out occasionally. So the last few days I’ve been in an emotional wreck to think that my new friend doesn’t like me anymore all because I cared that he had a cold and was texting everyday . We had planned on going out for dinner and drinks later on yesterday but he canceled then tells me he’s going out with an old friend instead I was hurt and fell into a heap . Sometimes I wish I wasn’t gay as I feel that no one will want a relationship with me and I’ll be lonely forever. It’s hard as I don’t have children to love back and family are supportive but it’s not the same I guess i envy you two for that . So it’s been an emotional few days but I’m getting through it and reading your post make me happy and sad at the same time as it’s only early days for both of you and confronting at the same time. I guess it reminds me of being on my own and lonely it is when all you want is friends and support. I’m glad your getting closer to telling your wife and when you do let us know and we’ll guide you through it . All the best my friend.