Toying with the idea of telling my wife that I'm gay

[Only_I_know]

The last 4 weeks have been sickening. I've cried countless times with the guilt and I'm so terrified. We've just celebrated 20years of marriage but I ruined it having cancelled our dinner date and night out in the city, because of the guilt had made me feel so sick. I'm not eating properly and now lost 10kg. She is the most beautiful woman I know and I hate myself for being gay. I just bloody hate it. No one else knows and it scares me to death. I have no one that I can vonfide in, and tggat makes me cry too. I've been mentally all over the place this last week, it's gotten so bad that I've started to think alot about death. Not that I think I'd do something dumb, but I can't stop thinking about suicide. I'm terrified about what my kids will think and my folks, who have shown themselves to be homophobic bigots in the past. I know they love me to death, and would probably be ok, but I'm really scared, like never before in 47 years. I question why I got married in the first place knowing I am gay, but I think I thought I could live a life hiding these feelings. I've never been with a guy in any way, but between the stress, guilt and anxiety, is all I think about. and I have been faithful as I really do love her with all my heart and it saddens me to break her heart, and mine. I've been playing it over and over in my head, I almost had a car accident today as I was crying and distracted, it's all totally consuming me. I think it may have been better, if not easier, if I had died, then No one would ever know, and her broken heart wouldn't be for knowing that her husband wasn't who she thought he was. It's really tough right now, talking to others over the last couple of weeks on this forum helped a bit, but I'm not sure if it is anymore, I know I'm sinking into some sort of depression and dont know what to do. I went to the dr about not eating, went for blood tests to see why, but I knew why. I was only going for the sake of my family. I wanted the dr to send me to a psychologist or something, but he wouldn'thave it. I'm really sick to death of it all, the lies, the confusion and the anxiety, and now lack of sleep. I'm thinking of telling her tomorrow but don't really think I'm brave enough. I'm a good person. It's just freakin fair.

[C4]

I’m glad everything seems to be going ok so far tell your wife when you get the courage she deserves to know the truth after so long . As for me I was supposed to go out with my new friend on Saturday night but was canceled he thought I had more then friend feelings for him but I was just looking to go out and socialise with him at some gay venues. I feel like I’m being abandoned and I’m sad that this will be my life as I don’t have a network of gay friends as yet . I’m glad your work will support you when the time comes mind did and I work for a national company as well. It’s so hard when you don’t feel comfortable in your own skin. Just take your time to adjust it will eventually get better no matter how long it takes even though it’s been over 12 months now for me it still feels uncomfortable at times . Good luck with it all mate keep me updated

[Only_I_know]

Hey my friend, well done on taking these steps. It is the first of many small ones. People kept telling me how proud they were of me, and how brave I was, but I never felt comfortable with either label, what was there to be proud of, and I didn't feel brave. But I realise now it was less the actual words, more the acknowledgement of taking the HUGE uncomfortable, scary steps that would ultimately lead to me finally finding my happy place, as well as knowing that I had support.

So I offer you the same acknowledgement.

Yes your wife and daughter deserve to know early, BUT it is vital that you get some support for you as well. You said you are a twin? Is it possible to confide in him? You need the support, to know that you have at least one person on your side, you will gain confidence then. I have 2 brothers, but am not close to either, I haven't even told either yet. I went through it all on my own, and still tear up now - that I had to, I wish that I had had someone to confide in. Here is good, but having someone close is great too. A shoulder to cry on, as there are many tears.

My wife & kids were concerned about my depression, sounds like you wont be able to hide it for too much longer so be aware of your mental state.

You are saying and displaying exactly what I did through my process. My heart goes out to you. You'll be surprised at the support you will get.

I see you are in Brisbane, so when you ready google team brisbane, you will find lgbt support groups you can join. I'm not talking about meeting people to hook up, but just to make new friends. I did, and that was the walking group I go to . Nice to just talk to people without fear of judgement.

My psych encouraged me to not tell my daughter, as it was a very adult discussion. We have only told her that we are separating I will do this when a little older. I love my wife and still do, but I realised I couldn't go on, and I think you are coming to this realisation too.

Don't think about the being with another guy, I still haven't, and probably wont for a while, even when I've moved out. The good thing is that you have been faithful, when you finally tell your wife, this will make it easier for her to accept, it did mine, we had trust, and she saw my pain every day when I finally told her.

And yes, BREATHE (I tear up badly at that line in the movie). Don't worry about the names, Its that I am alot more comfortable now, you will get there one day.

Take care

Darren

[Only_I_know]

Hey, also in case no one has told you, if you need to keep seeing a counselor/psychologist- you probably only get 3 from your work assistance program - then go to your doctor or if not comfortable go to a new dr, and ask for a Mental health care plan. They will ask questions, it will be hard to answer, but the plan means that you won't have to pay all the counseling fees, medicare pays half for up to 10 visits. It can be a bit costly when your work program stops. Unless of course, they pay no matter how many. I know it isn't about the money, but that is just another burden on you that you don't need.

Also, you said:

I wonder sometimes why I’m putting myself through this pain, and ultimately everyone else through it when the physical side of my feelings are still an unknown experience.

It isn't the physical side if it, & i think you know that is the truth.

You know what you want, you just have felt that you had to hide it, but can no longer. That was how it was for me too, the reason, like you, that you have never explored the sex.

Of course I want to, but that isn't why I came out. That will come in time, when I'm ready.

Anyway goodnight, and I hope you find the courage soon, before your wife finds out by different means, as that would not really be what you want, as better that she hears from you, the absolute honesty. That will go a long way for her.

Cheers Darren

[Blue_Simon]

Hey guys,

Thanks you both again for the continued and very much appreciated responses.

Craig, I’m sorry to hear about your plans falling through. I’m beginning to understand that same sadness when you are alone in your world and others are unsure of how to help. I’m sure you will slowly develope a gay network of wonderful friends, as you say, I just talks time. Hang in there mate.

Darren, thanks also to you. I think I have 6 visits to the councillor through my workplace. I will definitely be taking your advice then and setting up manual health care plan through a new doctor.

I know it’s not about the physical side, I have always known what I want and now can’t hide it away any more. I am “saying”the truth now so see that as acknowledging it. The next step once I acknowledge it is to accept it.

I am having lunch with one of my only male friends today. He’s straight and I won’t be telling him just yet however, he has his own issues and we share a lot of other feelings and things in common. I love the feeling of just being able to laugh and talk to him. I think today will help a lot as although it will shock him when the truth comes out, I like to think he will be supportive of me due to our current friendship. Time will tell.

Have a nice weekend guys,

Tim. ( yes that is my name ).

[Only_I_know]

Congratulations Tim.

I read your post with a smile. You are already on your way. It will take a while, I haven't yet completely, but am more comfortable every day.

It will be good to engage with your mate, he will no doubt see the pain too. All my friends have been awesome and supportive, I can't see yours being different. Society has come a long way and they probably won't care. It doesn't change you, in fact it is what has made you the person you are today.

And look at you! Already sharing your name after 5 posts! Took me much longer!

Have a great weekend, try to relax and give yourself a break.

Cheers Darren

[Blue_Simon]

Forgive me if I just keep posting as at the moment I find myself checking this thread every couple of hours for new comments. I feel like Simon from Love, Simon, taking every spare moment to log on and check for updates. It’s probably because it’s getting tough to cope. It’s been 5 days since I broke my 40 year silence and admitted to myself that I am gay and something is wrong. It is now consuming my world.

Darren and Craig you are keeping me going at the moment, I can’t thank you enough. it feels like I could just say how I feel to my wife at any moment but I am simply not able to yet, I guess I’m trying to give her just a little more time in the world she knows and loves until I drop a bombshell and change it forever. Am I a selfish man for doing this? It certainly feels like that this morning. She clearly knows something is very wrong, she is trying to comfort me, all the while I know what is coming for her. She was massaging my face this morning, she has to seen the tears rolling down from my eyes. It’s breaking my heart. What do I do? I don’t know whether to accept her comfort or play it cool.

I know the best thing would be to just tell her but I need more time and professional support.

We are booked to got to Hamilton island for Christmas and have her mum and mine coming up in a few weeks. Do I put on a brave face, knowing I am more comfortable in myself for at least admitting this to myself at this stage.

I know it’s my decision alone, I guess I’m just thinking aloud and rationalising things.

I do hope she will be awesome about it all as you have experienced. Financially this could ruin a lifetimes hard work in a second. We are going to have to make an unorthodox situation work in the short term to both survive. Parents say they would sacrifice themselves for there children and this too will need to be considered. I still want my daughter to have a next to normal existence so I hope we can come to a suitable arrangement that works for all.

Have got a family weekend planned so need to pull myself together and enjoy that, with the girls I love. Have a nice weekend guys,

Tim.

[Only_I_know]

Hey Tim, you don't ever need to apologise here. We know what you are going through and I feel your pain. It took me 2 months of feeling so god damn crap that I couldn't keep on, particularly with the dark thoughts going through my head. I ended up taking a sick day off as I couldn't focus, and was worried about driving, I couldn't focus.

You are doing the right thing in asking yourself the questions, but don't beat yourself up. My wife hugged me too when I was down and wanted to help me and it was hard looking at her.

I too had a holiday planned to Adelaide for this September but we cancelled that, so you need to be prepared for that, or potentially whether you go with them, that is the sad reality unfortunately.

Do you think you can wait over 5 mths feeling the way you do? How will you feel at Christmas?

How do you think your Mum will take it? Does she live far from you? Can you confide in her, remember you never stop being her baby (even at 47!!)

It will be easier if you know that you gave at least 1 person on your side, I did it without anyone and wish I hadn't but I was lucky that my wife is awesome.

The care your wife is showing, whilst makes you upset, shows the love and concern and I think that she would hate to know that you are in such pain. I can't promise that she will be ok, but you need to be there to help each other through it. Keep the communication open.

The money thing is hard, but my wife and I are committed to making it work. No lawyers, we don't want to hurt each other. I'm letting her have most of everything so that there is as least an interruption to their lives as possible. Yes it is a step back financially but if I had have done something stupid and not been around (which is where it was heading), then they would have had that burden as well as not having me.

Plenty of kids have parents in different houses, and I'll tell you more about that another time. Right now you've just got to concentrate on you, as selfish as it sounds.

You aren't going to be much good to anyone whilst you are in the state you are. You can't run the risk of losing your job either, so that's why you need to work on you first.

Remember to take deep breathes, like in Love Simon, he takes a deep breath, but the best deep breath comes after you have opened up with those that you love.

Have a good weekend, also note some posts take longer to appear. One of my earlier posts to you took about 18hrs to appear.

Take care

Darren

[C4]

Hi Tim it’s ok to post whenever you want too I too keep checking for your posts as well. I’m writing this with tears I’m my eyes and feeling the pain your in knowing what’s coming up for you in the near future and wishing it goes well . It too consumes my world even now though I’ve moved out on my own and made friends maybe it’s the loneliness of being by myself with time to think or maybe I’m just a sook but either way it’s hard still . I too had the comfort of a wife who has no idea what’s to come and turn her life upside down and even though she supports me now I still think I’m a bad person for ruining everything I had . The councillor said I should forgive myself for everything and the self loathing but it’s hard to change a lifetime of being someone I thought I was to someone I wasn’t ready to be . I found as long as it was my secret it was bearable but now I’m out I feel more uncomfortable than before and it’s a daily thing some good and some bad but it’s getting better. I hope when your mum comes up you feel a bit better as they tend to know when something is not right who knows you may feel comfortable to tell her first but what ever you choose to do it’s the start of a new chapter in your life . I hope I have helped where I can and not made you feel more uncomfortable with things . Hope your weekend goes ok

[Only_I_know]

So, I play lawn bowls on a Saturday arvo, and it got washed out, so I came home to find everyone was out, and decided to put Love, Simon on.

4th time I've watched and I cry every sinlge time. Thought of you Tim, so hoping you okay and the family gathering was ok too.

If you get the opportunity to read the book, it is so much better than the movie. I have read it 5 times!

I posted earlier in the day but it hasn't appeared yet, I must have said something that gets picked up automatically, I'm disappointed as I wanted you to know I was thinking about how you were coping.

Hope you are hanging in there Tim, keep posting your status, we are here for you to vent and express, I know you need to say things all the time to people who understand and are on your side.

cheers

Darren

[Birdy77]

Dear Darren, Craig and Tim ❤

It is so wonderfully uplifting and heartwarming to witness your absolutely beautiful support of one another.

I am so glad you have each other to lean on, comfort, and encourage. But most of all, to understand.

I think you guys are gorgeous and I am cheering you on through your journeys.

Loads of love and light to you all,

🌻birdy