Toying with the idea of telling my wife that I'm gay

[Only_I_know]

The last 4 weeks have been sickening. I've cried countless times with the guilt and I'm so terrified. We've just celebrated 20years of marriage but I ruined it having cancelled our dinner date and night out in the city, because of the guilt had made me feel so sick. I'm not eating properly and now lost 10kg. She is the most beautiful woman I know and I hate myself for being gay. I just bloody hate it. No one else knows and it scares me to death. I have no one that I can vonfide in, and tggat makes me cry too. I've been mentally all over the place this last week, it's gotten so bad that I've started to think alot about death. Not that I think I'd do something dumb, but I can't stop thinking about suicide. I'm terrified about what my kids will think and my folks, who have shown themselves to be homophobic bigots in the past. I know they love me to death, and would probably be ok, but I'm really scared, like never before in 47 years. I question why I got married in the first place knowing I am gay, but I think I thought I could live a life hiding these feelings. I've never been with a guy in any way, but between the stress, guilt and anxiety, is all I think about. and I have been faithful as I really do love her with all my heart and it saddens me to break her heart, and mine. I've been playing it over and over in my head, I almost had a car accident today as I was crying and distracted, it's all totally consuming me. I think it may have been better, if not easier, if I had died, then No one would ever know, and her broken heart wouldn't be for knowing that her husband wasn't who she thought he was. It's really tough right now, talking to others over the last couple of weeks on this forum helped a bit, but I'm not sure if it is anymore, I know I'm sinking into some sort of depression and dont know what to do. I went to the dr about not eating, went for blood tests to see why, but I knew why. I was only going for the sake of my family. I wanted the dr to send me to a psychologist or something, but he wouldn'thave it. I'm really sick to death of it all, the lies, the confusion and the anxiety, and now lack of sleep. I'm thinking of telling her tomorrow but don't really think I'm brave enough. I'm a good person. It's just freakin fair.

[Only_I_know]

Blue Simon, super glad you've reached out here! So based on what you say, yes we share so many commonalities. You'd understand that I get ALL your feelings - self hatred, loathing, disgust, fear and so on. My journey actually started here on BB. I think if I had not reached out here, I would either have pulled through my depression eventually (but think it would have been worse next time - and YES there would be a next time) or I would have done something dumb and would no longer be around.

I'm really glad you are seeing someone tomorrow, that is a great step. It really helped me in my darkest weeks but I ended up changing to one recommended by QLIFE. the first psychologist wasn't gay and also he listened and gave me things to focus on - that I AM a good person - but he didn't quite understand it all. Hopefully yours will be a good influence on you. I wish I had seen one prior to telling my wife, as I now know that I made it harder on myself. The 2nd psych is gay and has been able to set a few records straight and he also helped my wife when she came to a session, providing her with some clarity too.

You may be surprised about your wife, but follow the path that is right for you. whilst our lives sound so similar, there may be differences that matter.

No point in hating yourself - I realise that now, though that was hard to compute & accept at first. Please don't be in terror, It does get better if you act. I don't think that your emotions and feelings will go away unless you are honest with yourself. But continue down the path of talking it through.

You probably read that I have never explored this side of me ever as well (the thoughts/images & taking care of my own need kept me going too!), but I do hope one day.

3.5 mths after telling my wife, I am still nervous a bit, I've bought a 2 bedroom unit and the settlement is 2nd Nov, so in just a little over 2 mths I will be moving out - and this scares me, but I can tell you that it also excites me! Don't get me wrong, I'm very sad over moving out, but it allows my wife to move on - and whilst she isn't too old - perhaps meet someone in time too.

I'm guessing the movie was Love, Simon? Just funny that your name is Blue Simon - the 2 characters! If it was, it was a great movie, and this hit the cinema when I was going through all this and it too had a profound effect on me.

I check this site every couple of days, so please keep us informed, I am happy to chat anytime.

Sending you positive thoughts!

Darren

[C4]

Omg Simon l feal for you my story is the same but without the children I came out 14 months ago and it’s very hard to deal with the feelings of self loathing and guilt . I too live with the regret of the last 30 years and that I involved my ex wife . But in the last 12 months Ive since moved out on my own and joined a local LGBT group and met some wonderful friends. I’ve since had some sexual experiences with men so I know that’s what I want but there is still some element of shame as well in which counseling is working on . I know right now it seems so daunting and scary I know how you feel it’s so overwhelming I used to cry every day wondering why me what did I do wrong to deserve it . It will get easier over time make use of counseling don’t do it alone and if you can tell family for support do it there are lots of people on here to give support and guidance and there are a lot of online support groups as well when your ready . Keep us informed of your progress I wish you well and I’m Craig by the way

[C4]

Great advice Darren and I’m glad your doing ok as well mate and keep us informed on your progress as well

[Blue_Simon]

Hi Darren,

I was hoping someone might respond to my post, thank you. You are right, Love, Simon. It seems to have brought all of this out from the shadows of my life after seeing it on a plane about a month ago. I loved it. So many scenes touch my heart as if looking at myself 30 years ago. I was Simon. I was home today by myself and was watching it again, and crying, which gave me the courage to finally enter this forum and make an appointment with my EAP at work. It was also reading your story a few days ago.

I am so happy that you have found your feet again and bought a place of your own. I don’t even know if that’s what I want, just to share my feeling with someone at this stage is a reason to “exhale” in itself. I guess it is selfish of me to not want change and to hurt those I do love, time will tell how I choose to deal with all of this. Just to hear from people like you is an amazing start.

My wife and daughter came home and were so happy with their days, I do love her so much, she is also my best friend. Don’t get me wrong, we do fight and piss each other off but of course that’s normal with any relationship. I know I can’t have the feelings I do and live my family life as well, it’s just so hard. I almost hope she starts to figure it out herself. I know she wants to know why I am depressed and suddenly not copeing but I can’t tell her the truth.

Like you, finances are also a massive issue in my world and like you, I am terrified of being left with nothing. I know that wouldn’t happen but just one of millions of ramifications I guess to consider.

I will keep in touch and let you know how I go tomorrow, yet another person on this planet who will know the truth! Thank you again Darren for your support and incredible words of wisdom and advice.

-Blue Simon.

[Only_I_know]

thanks mate. things have been pretty good. just worrying about the big move and having to fend for myself, but on the flip side, I am really looking forward to it. Going on a winery tour on sunday with the walking group so that will be nice.

I hope you are also doing well and settling into life.

[C4]

It’s going well just lonely at night by myself at times which can make me depressed more but other than that I’m going ok

[Blue_Simon]

Thank you Craig,

Knowing that there are others in my situation who have made it through really helps me deal with this confusion in my head. I have had these feelings all my life yet having never been with a man, I wonder sometimes why I’m putting myself through this pain, and ultimately everyone else through it when the physical side of my feelings are still an unknown experience.

I sometimes think that I could continue with the fantasy in my mind, keeping the truth inside and everyone will be happy. As I said to Darren, I do love my wife and I tell myself that I can be happy for the rest of my life. Sadly, that however is getting harder to deal with and I’m now getting scared and depressed.

Its only the beginning for me but already people like you and Darren are making this a little easier. It’s funny to use your real names, that’s one step I don’t think I’m ready for just yet. Will wait and see what I feel like after my first conversation with a professional today, they will know real name.

Thanks for you caring Craig, I will keep in touch with you and Darren with updates.

-BlueSimon

[C4]

Tanks for replying I only had sexual experience with a man 3 months ago after 12 months of breaking up and it was scary even though it’s what I desire I’m not sure of an emotional connection with on yet I have met a couple of friends which I’m seeing and if things go further then all good but it’s still scary as I had 20 years with my wife and I’m getting better at accepting myself it’s still daunting though. It will get easier mate it will take time don’t pressure yourself like I did to accept yourself when your not ready it makes you more anxious and isolated. As I said it’s been 14 months for me to be starting to be comfortable in my own skin. We have so much to share on here so don’t do it alone ok . I’ll be thinking of you ok

[C4]

Thanks for replying sometimes I think that if I didn’t say anything I could continue to live in a fantasy marriage all I wanted was the thoughts out on the open not the end of my marriage but of course that wasn’t realistic. Upon reflection it was probably the best thing for us both . Going to counseling is a great step and scary having to face the truth head on I still get emotional when things get brought up even now as I type I feel a sense of anxiety and sadness for you knowing how you feel . Just push through it were here to help you ok

[Blue_Simon]

Hi guys,

What a day, the hardest of my life I think. I had a very painful conversation today and heard myself saying the way I feel for the first time to another human (sadly though, no one I love). Upon listening to another person asking questions and hearing myself answering them it didn’t take long before I was completely and emotionally drained. She seemed to have some very valid and helpful points of view and has asked to meet me in a couple of weeks. I know it’s not much but at least I have made a start. She has also asked me to contact a LGBT councillor which, as you both suggested, seems like a very good idea right about now.

Peal at work have been great today as I didn’t last all that long after my counciling session before leaving, just too upset. They didn’t know why but still more than willing to help. I know they will support me with this journey, I only wish I could tell them why, rather than talking in riddles and non-specifics. They may have already started to figure things out, At least I work for an Airline where being gay is totally accepted and embraced, it will still come as a surprise I suppose.

Anyway, I think my wife and daughter deserve to know first and I am simply not there yet. As you said Craig, I am not going to pressure myself into doing anything. I’m sitting here in Brisbane, looking across the bay, 27c and not a cloud in the sky. I have been here for 2hrs just wondering what lies ahead from all of this. Thank you both again for your thoughts, advice and support.

T.