stuck in a identity rut discussed for the first time

[EMT]

Hello everyone. I have a story to tell and its a long one. For insight I'm a single parent, no true emotional support and no legitimate friends.

Yesterday I spend 6 hours driving around to all the known beats in brisbane looking for sex. When I FINALLY gave up and drove home I found myself in a state of depression, again. As usual my emotions were in conflict with my logic and my core values were scrutinized like I was sifting through rubble and ash looking for anything salvageable or of value to me to hold onto, to identity with. I work hard each day to at least feel "normal" and I know full well with each action, thought, behavior and words what I'm trying to find is authentic self.I'm tired, bored, alone, afraid and most certainly lost and for the first time ever I've realize how precious and short life is not to be true to yourself. Question is I feel marooned alone on a desolate island surrounded by shark infested water thinking I have the potential to find a way off but I can't figure out how. I'm in need of guidance to shift my thinking out of this rut, this wasted rut.

thanks for reading.

[Kazzl]

Hi EMT, welcome to the forum! Reaching out and sharing your story is not an easy thing to do, so well done on taking the first step.

It sounds to me like you're frustrated, agitated and feeling trapped by circumstances. I sure understand that. I think to help shift your thinking from the rut, you need to know where you'd like to shift it to. Do you have things you'd like to do or or achieve?

Sorry, this is maybe a bit superficial as a response. I'd like to know more about you if you're OK to share.

Hope to hear back from you

Kaz

[Just Sara]

Welcome to BB forum EMT;

Although your story may seem long to you, it conjures up un-answered questions for me. It's a really interesting tale of what seems to describe some very deep issues. Please tell me more if that's ok.

Identity - Who/what do you identify as?

Driving around looking for sex - What happened during this activity to set you off on such a tangent?

Shark infested waters - Why such a drastic metaphor?

Authenticity - Are you an actor in a play? Please expand on what you interpret as authentic.

The way I approach life, is mainly about asking myself the big questions. A well timed and formed question can sometimes affect immediate and insightful answers. Although, asking "Why the hell did I just do that?" can conjure up too many guessed variables.

Would love to keep in touch. Hope I'm on the right track for you.

Dizzy

[Greg4]

EMT,

i can identify with you. I've felt very similar. Shark invested waters, yeah the world does a bit like that. Being tired bored and alone. Yeah been there and at times am regularly. The loniness is hard and at times the world goes along and you don't seem to fit in anywhere. Not sure if you feel the way I do. I'd love to keep chatting if you feel it's worth the effort. We all have our problems, but they say a problem shared is a problem halved. In this forum help is at hand and if you care to open up it may come your way. Hang in there mate.

Greg

[EMT]

Hi Dizzy, thankyou for your reply it is very much appreciated. Some answers for your questions. I don't identify as any one thing but I'm aiming to identify as happy and content. I behave like someone who is bi though. I have always been discreet so driving to "gay beats" works well with remaining anonymous ( you must know I have been living this way for over 20 years) and I've never entered into or entertained the idea of a relationship with a man. Yes shark infested waters was a quite dramatic remark but in reflection it means mistrust. Being authentic to me means true to one's self, which I'm not. Yes I wear a mask. This is the tiring part of my life. I'm going to say I've never had the opportunity to find my authentic self due to a tough childhood so it feels like all I know is this " mask wearing" person. Truth is I've wasted some much precious time living this double life, frustratingly I've learnt nothing and I'm trying not to be negative I'm just flying the white flag.

[EMT]

Hi Greg, thanks for your reply and I think I would find it beneficial to keep chatting with you to get perspective. I've never spoken with another man that's in or been through the same situation.

EMT

[Greg4]

EMT,

living a double life can be exhausting. Mistrust with everyone being unable to be your real self. Doing beats to remain anonymous, yeah I get you! It becomes easier if you can find someone to trust. I did. It's made all the difference. Sorry I'm in FNQ so not close, but if you reach out to beyond blue you may be surprised. Try to stay optimistic.

Cheers G

[EMT]

Hi Kazzl, thankyou for your thoughts in reply. Yes I do feel trapped in circumstances. I can tell you what I don't want and that is not to live a double life, I don't want to be in a relationship with a man, I don't want to be bi, I don't want to wear a mask. Over the last 20 years I've thought long and hard about all of the above yet its all the same behaviors. One thing I've been exploring is the link between when I'm stressed and being with men. Happy to get your thoughts 🙂

EMT

[Paul]

Hey EMT

I read through your conversations here with everyone and some things struck me.

You said that you want to be yourself and feel free and authentic and to be rid of feeling trapped with no way out. If I join the dots all the way to few posts back you say you don't want to be with a man and you don't want to be bi and you explained the double life and masks. I'm assuming that the double life is being with a woman (Normal?) and also being attracted to men. Is that a fair assumption?

Sexuality is an interesting thing and it's only societal pressure that prevents us from feeling free to express ourselves. Sometimes the pressure comes from within due to our past experiences and we strongly believe that expressing our sexuality is wrong and to be hidden. You can imagine what happens next. We end up at odds with ourselves and then go on a search for our true selves after a good self thumping then hiding, then guilt, then questions then another good thumping of ourselves which breaks our identity which in turn makes it impossible to make friends and it's an island that turns into a merry-go-round.

Can you describe to me, exactly what do the sharks represent from your metaphor.

Beats are a bit weird these days, online apps seem to have replaced them mostly. I go to the sauna as it's more comfy and I can have a chat if there is someone nice. Otherwise a spa etc. Oh and there's also condoms handy - I like to play safe. But sometimes when I go and if I don't meet anyone I feel like absolute crap. I wonder if our two similarities there are related. What went on in your mind after you left the last beat and you were unable to find someone?

Let's get you off that island and turn the sharks into dolphins - would you like to do that together?

Paul

[Just Sara]

Hi EMT;

What a great reply! You've answered my questions well and it gives some insight into where you're at.

Paul has (as always) made some good points and asked some big questions. I guess another one would be;

• What would you like to get out of your contact with people here on BB? What would be the 'ultimate' achievable goal?

When I first registered, it was to just talk with someone who knew how I felt. But as time passed, some very big issues became apparent; one being my gender identity. Posters like Paul, have definitely helped me to face and address those issues with much success. Not just because their advice and comments were great, but because they supported me to find the courage to look at what's possible, instead of how bad I thought my life was.

You're doing great indeed just by staying and chatting. Someone may see your post and be helped by your courage to speak about your life. I hope you stay in touch.

Kind thoughts...Dizzy