Straight friends fetishising queerness

[tmas]

Here goes…

I’m bi and super open with it these days. I have other identity questions too (which I’m not ready to voice in the real world yet), and also don’t think of my bisexuality as a man/woman thing, but frankly that takes more explaining than I (or they it seems) have patience for with my cishet uni girlfriends.

Basically, when I told them I was bi, I was asked the question what it’s like to be with a girl, I’m not one to over share so I just said I’m only interested in mutual feelings and stuff, not that weird to be asked.

I have one friend, however, that really pushed it. She frequently asks, after months of being friends, whether I’m attracted to her and would like to ‘do stuff’ with her - ‘if she was into girls’, that is. Frankly, no. Physically she’s attractive, but in every other way I wouldn’t go there. It takes a bit more than appearances to be attracted to someone (but I know that isn’t what she’s asking). She says it as a casually and often in front of people so I usually just keep making deflective jokes until the subject changes, but my BF noticed too.

I’m also uncomfortable because she has a boyfriend, as do I, and she makes sexual comments (I, quite embarrassingly, deflected this by instead talking about my current sex life which isn’t like me and I’m scared is disrespectful to my partner, but it did kind of curb the advances). I thought early on that maybe she was questioning, but as time goes on I think she may be insecure and wants to use my attraction to women as validation, like how she might find male attention validating except I’m just less threatening (and maybe if I were to declare my attraction there’d be lots of flattery and no pressure to act on it because she’s straight - I know in the past she, like myself and others, has felt like she needed to engage with men who’ve expressed attraction regardless of how she felt about him. It really feels like she thinks, if I’m bi, I’m some authority on attractive people because I’m attracted to anything that breathes, and I’m sure everyone here knows that simply isn’t true. She’ll touch and do something suggestive, I think compulsively seeking affection, and I apparently don’t know how to let someone down nicely without giving them room to continue overstepping boundaries. I’ve done too much therapy not to see this is seeking validation, and it peaked off the back of her last (messy) break up too. If she continues, how do I lay boundaries? Does this happen to others?

[mmMekitty]

Hello Tmas.

I'm not familiar with this much. I do tend to think it my sexual identy is nobody's business unless, 1: I am hopeful of an intimate relationship with someone , & 2: for medical reasons. Same goes for gender identity. It seems to me, your friend seems to feel safe to act as she does when in public, with other people around. It also seems to be a bit of a game she is playing.

I think it is disrespectful to everyone, to a greater or lesser degree, as well.

Her behaviour reminds me of school kids when I was young, (long ago), teasing, gossiping & speculating about what 'Everyone' else must be doing, who with, where & when... & I don't think many had much actual info or experience to speak of.

It's unfortunate if she will not take the time or make an effort to speak seriously about what is on her mind, but continues to behave in ways that make you feel uneasy or irritated.

You said you've had a lot of therapy, & are you still? If so, could you talk to your therapist about this dilemma & work though some options for what you might do?

This is the point where I am unsure what to suggest - boundaries have been a large problem for me. have felt I have to become rude & even physical to get people to understand I'm not interested. I'm not sure I'd advocate my methods here.... but I still don't know quite what I'd do.

I hope some of this is helpful.

mmMekitty

[geoff]

Hello Tmas, let's say for example that your heterosexual, then everybody you may be attracted to doesn't mean they are with you, no matter how much you try and sway them away, it simply won't work.

You are entitled to tell this other girl that you have no interest in her and this can be done quietly or openly and because you are bi, doesn't mean you like everyone, you still have your own choice, otherwise a relationship is not going to work out.

Just be open and say no thank you.

Geoff.

[sbella02]

Hey Tmas,

Thank you once again for sharing your experience on our forums, it's great to see some representation from a fellow bi person 🙂

Being fetishised is so real and so frustrating. Bisexuality seems to be so often associated with hypersexuality, horniness or desperation, which seems to further encourage fetishisation. We do not exist to help others live out their sexual fantasies.

If you're monogamous, I would be upfront with her and tell her for a start that you have a boyfriend, and that you simply aren't interested. Regardless of gender, somebody making sexual advances or comments towards somebody who is in a monogamous relationship isn't right.

Please feel free to keep chatting with us if you'd like.

All the best, SB