Probably trans, definitely terrified

[Ada5]

I have a long history of gender related crises including a transition attempt 20 years ago. I have managed to not transition and to keep living as a male, I have a lovely partner, kids, a home and a job. Every now and then it feels like I'm falling apart and obsessively think about transitioning, and when I tell myself that I can't, or that if I did it wouldn't work out, the next thought is invariably of suicide (- its just compulsive ideation). I have antidepressants from my GP and my psychologist, who has some experience treating gender dysphoria, thinks I should be planning for a future that features some kind of transition.

It feels like to do that I'd be harming those closest to me and might easily make my life worse, so I have a lot of guilt, shame and low self esteem. I can't hold to a vision of myself living in the future as a man or as a woman for more than a few hours. I need it to stop or at least stabilise, which I guess it is doing but slowly.

I've read about people who don't transition and live with it somehow. That's what I've been doing but my success has been limited.

[Lonelydan]

Hi Ada5, Welcome to the forums. Can I asked what changed or stopped you from transitioning 20yrs ago. How did it make you feel when you dressed as your true gender did it feel right. Did you feel like I never want to take this off. Did it frighten you what you saw staring back at you. Did you see her in the mirror. I truly believe if there was a magical machine you could hope in and walk out the beauty you see yourself at lest I’d say ten percent of the worlds population would be lined up. Dan..

[Ada5]

I was in a country town, no therapist and I went behind my GP's back and ordered hormones over the internet. All of my friends thought I was crazy, my only support was via online chat. I was naive and avoided doing what was needed to improve my presentation and socialisation, I totally messed it up and eventually had a breakdown. The original motivation was that it did feel right, but I was frightened of never passing. The euphoria and hope turned into dysphoria and despair.

[Lonelydan]

Hi ada5, please don’t feel bad many trans people start And change their minds it’s very common. Being in a country town wasn’t the best place to do this. If you look at trans women like Carlotta, Candice cane, Catherine McGregor, Michelle Sheppard who was married twice and has children and Caitlin Jenner they are beautiful woman. But they all have worked so hard to achieve this with facial Feminisation surgery and HRT therapy it takes time to see the results. These people you say who are trans but choose not to act are they happy really ? are they Living in their mind as a woman but appearing as a man ? Dan...

[Ada5]

Hi Dan,

What I've learned from others is that though there are similar patterns to it, it's also different for everyone. For some people its stronger or weaker and/or constant or it varies. In my case it seems to vary from weak to strong. Yes the people who choose not to act find other ways to cope with this mismatch and cope with or even avoid dysphoria, but its not possible for everyone. The question many have is how bad is it really, have I tried every alternative?

[Lonelydan]

Hi Ada, Have you thought about the Sea horse society. It’s a safe place for men to explore. There in most states. It’s were you can be free to dress and be Amongst like-minded people. You will find support and no judgment. Most there , are thinking of Transitioning, happy just to dress now and then as a woman. People in all different stages of transition and just being themselves for one night to keep themselves sane. Dan...

[Ada5]

Hi Dan, I'm aware of Seahorse and sometimes go to a similar group locally. Though I've also done that in the past and stopped, my psychologist suggested that it is very important to socialise and be "out" at least to some people in order to integrate these aspects of my personality. Thanks for your kind advice,

Ada

[white knight]

Hi Dan

Google

Beyondblue Topic you are still a jigsaw peice

rehards and good luck

Repost anytime here or in that thread

TonyWK