Pansexual?

[soulsolaris]

So i thought i would share alittle bit about my sexuality aswell as some dating experiences. So to keep it brief, i came out as bisexual to friends when i was 16 and i had interests in some guys and some girls. Most of my relationships have only been with women and i felt comfortable with them. I started questioning my sexuality alot & felt pressured to choose a side. Eventually i came out as a lesbian.

A few years ago i met a girl in another country and i fell inlove with her. We had a long distance relationship. She eventually came out and told me she felt more like a he. And there i took a step into the transgender world. It was quite easy to accept him as he was. I did have to train myself to use the right pronouns but other than that i was seriously okay with it. I think my only concern was the unknown of how different he might become whilst taking testosterone. But we had many big talks about it all and i accepted it more and more as i learnt more. We didnt work out due to distance taking a toll on us. I still love him though..

I think after meeting him i realised i simply like people. I CAN find men attractive. I CAN find women attractive and anything inbetween. Bisexual didn't feel right for me. Nor did lesbian. Thats why pansexual is the most suitable i guess. Is there a word that describes not being attracted to a persons gender and more so their personality and soul? I figure sexuality is fluid and im really happy not to necessarily label myself. I like people. I do have a physical preferance though and that is more masculine. So if i dated a woman.. they would probably be more masculine.. and that is to balance with my feminine side  (although im not super feminine). Its really hard to explain all this to people and for them to understand it. If i say i like both men and women and so forth.. the say.. so you are bisexual? But that personally doesnt fit me. If i say i prefer a masculine appearance they say.. so you really are just into men? But i cant get them to understand that its simply that i feel like i need the masculine/feminine to be balanced in the relationship. If i say i like people for their heart/soul rather than gender.. people dont understand it.  Either way i am fairly content with my sexuality now. I have friends and family who accept me in relation to my sexuality and that is also really good.

[Paul]

Hi soulsolaris,

Thanks very much for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us. I really like the tone of your post as it feels relatively relaxed and accepting of who you are. That's not to say that arriving to where you are today to be able to know you can fall in love with a person NOT based on their gender, hasn't been difficult. I can imagine it took a bit of soul searching and I think you're amazing for finding your true self and knowing who you are.

I think Pansexual describes beautifully what you have explained about how you feel. Bisexual means attraction to MAN with male physical anatomy or WOMAN with female physical anatomy. Pansexual describes attraction to PERSON regardless of gender or physical attributes relating to gender.

In explaining to others I guess we don't need to be as technical - It's hard enough to have people understand gay or straight sometimes let alone the shades in between.

So if someone said "hey do you like guys or girls?" I think as you said "I like the person regardless of their gender or physical attributes" To clarify that to someone, you could use the shades of grey description or simply that some people are more attracted to physical attributes, some sexual attributes and you are attracted to the attributes that make the person regardless of their gender.

The more masculine attraction is simply part of the grey scale. Some people are attracted to people with short hair or larger muscles or a certain laugh or a softer voice or a gentler approach in your case you like your person to have a slightly more masculine demeanour. - I think demeanour could be a good word to use instead of appearance because it means both appearance and trait. I wonder if that helps explain it better.

Let us know what you think soulsolaris, would love to hear your thoughts.

Take good care!

 Paul

[Gruffudd]

Hi soulsolaris,

Thanks for sharing your experience. I think it is a wonderful thing to get to a place of being comfortable with yourself. Sexuality has its surprises, I love that you have been open to thinking about how you have felt about men and women. 

Rob.

[soulsolaris]

Hey. Thanks for responding. You perfectly reworded things. I dont often have conversations to people about my sexuality as im out to most people or they think I'm jusy a lesbian and i havent bothered to correct them lol. I did have some people once say that pansexual wasnt a real thing and that all these new sexual identities cropping up are just annoying and during that discussion i found it hard to make them understand why the term bisexual didnt feel like it described me but pansexual did  (IF i were to label it) but in the end i let it go because i dont need to try and explain myself to people. I mean in general i dont know if i necessarily need to label myself at all and prefer to say things like "I just like people" or "Im open to whoever" and that is the easiest and most authentic thing to say i think. But for the sake of labelling it, i do have the word pansexual i can use aswell and saying I like people regardless of their gender or physical attributes is also simple and to the point so would be useful to use. 

I think the hardest part about coming to terms with my sexuality wasnt me coming to terms with myself.. i think it was me feeling as though i had to choose or decide what im supposed to be because in the world in general we rely on words and labels to identify ourselves. And how other people would take it. But now im just.. me. There are actually so many more things that make up who i am.. my sexuality is only a small part of it.

[soulsolaris]

Thankyou for the reply and yes.. ive definitely done alot of soul searching in more aspects than one to figure out who i am as a person so questioning my attraction to both men snd women was somewhere in there lol.

[Paul]

Hey soulsolaris, so nice to see you again. 

I sense a lot of angst over labels and as you've said.  Choosing one or the other sex to like so you fit one of the labels.  

We've chatted about pansexuality. There's another term that a friend uses.  Non binary.  She uses it to describe her gender.  I say her,  because she uses her female name but doesn't identify with being either sex. 

 Perhaps we could steal the term non binary to help friends understand it's not one or the other,  it's not polar. Your sexuality is a continuum. Part of a line with no ends. What matters is the line,  not the ends.

 Paul