Not ready to come out?

[locko42]

I recently completed year 12 and it was probably the worse day of my life. After a shitty last day feeling lonely and out of place, I had just finished school with no real friends and not fitting in. I spent the entire remainder of my day watching Netflix whilst everyone else was out celebrating. Whilst feeling depressed at home my mum continuously asked me what was bothering me. I couldn't tell her, I hate opening up and talking about my feelings. Finally, I agreed and told her. She then started to cry and I knew what she was about to ask me. "Are you gay"? I said yes whilst cupping my hands in my face and crying. All that was going through my mind was, no no no this can't be happening. I was hoping this a bad dream i could wake up from, but no it was the reality. I couldn't look at her, this was the one thing I had been trying so hard to hide. She thought by asking me this would make me feel relieved but it did the opposite, only she was relieved in this situation. The problem isn't she is not accepting of me but it's the fact that I haven't accepted the fact that I am gay. She continued to say that she and dad had known for a long time but this not what I wanted to hear. My goal had been to hide it until i was ready to tell people, i have never been in a relationship, I wanted to explore that first. I am just really confused at his point and I can't move on from it. I am a consistently replaying the moment she asked me if I was gay, it terrifies me. What can i do to move on from this?

[geoff]

Hi Locko, thanks for being able to post your comment, I'm sure there were times when you wanted to and then times when you just wanted to hide away, but it's not something you should be worried about.

Parents watch their kids grow and find their own personalities from a very young age so they have a good idea of what you tend to like, so you can't hide the way you develop as you mature.

Don't worry because you can't change how you've grown up, and there must be people who you have kept an eye on and they are always looking out for you, have some confidence and talk with them.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Only_I_know]

Hey Locko

Welcome to the forums. This is a safe place to chat, express and vent.

Firstly congrats on completing year 12. Hopefully you'll get the results you desire to further your education and the career of your choice.

I bet you are as confused as hell right now. And scared too no doubt. Just know you are not alone.

If you are not ready for the whole world to know, that's ok. Your folks will keep it secret too. They are there to support you and love you. Talk to them, tell them that. I know it's not easy.

I'm 47 and came out to my wife of 20 years just 6 months ago, after deep depression that almost cost me everything. I wish I had done it when I was 17.

Talking about something as deeply personal as this is one of the hardest things ever done, but you'll pull through it. If I can at my age and being married, no doubt you can too.

You know your folks love you and don't care. If keeping it quiet for now is what you want then that's ok, but at least you have now shared that one big secret. The hardest part is done.

If you need to talk to someone, their is a peer support line called Qlife. Google them. Just someone who doesnt know you that you can talk to.

I thought I'd never share my secret, but it is now out there.

I've never explored it, and my wife is the only relationship I've ever had. Even knowing that I was gay since I was 12, I still haven't fully accepted it, but am now coming to terms with it, and I now know I will be ok.

Don't stress about never having a relationship, it will all come with time. Just take a breath, and pause, reset your mind.

Maybe you don't like talking about your feelings, but speaking to a counselor will do wonders. Qlife can recommend a LGBT counselor near you.

Post as much as you like here, this community will support as much as you need.

We are here for you if you need it.

Darren

[C4]

Hi mate I’m Craig and like Darren I came out 18 months ago after 16 years marriage with my wife being my first relationship and I’m 46 . I have had sexual experiences with men now and it is nervous at first but don’t worry about having a relationship yet . If it’s what you feel then it’s right for you . I’m not in a relationship right now but eventually I’d like one but not as yet . I also wished I’d come out at your age but was too scared of what everyone was going to think of me especially family. All I can say is good on you for doing it now and not waiting until your my age and having regrets even though you may not have wanted to right now . Your a brave young man but it will get easier once you come to terms with it just be patient ok . Your in a friendly place here with plenty of support. Craig

[marcus_c]

Hi locko42, it's funny because my coming out experience to my mum was very similar. When you see coming out stories on tv or in the movies, they do all get built up as this wonderful moment of relief. Often when you see people talking about it, they are older and they are talking about it from the point of view of looking back on the experience. But at the time you still feel like crap, because you still have heaps of stuff to work through.

Maybe part of the reason you feel panicked and you're replaying that moment is because you know that it isn't the first time you'll go through this. Coming out is a process that happens throughout our lives, because most of the world is straight and assumes everyone else is too. It can be quite exhausting and scary thinking about that when we're not ready to accept things ourselves yet.

So I'd say slow things right down. Try not to worry too much about what's going to happen next. You don't have to tell anyone anything until you're ready.

School is its own little bubble. It wasn't a great place for me, and I was glad to get out. I would have preferred to spend my time at home watching tv instead of going out celebrating too! Sexuality is an important part of who we are, but it doesn't define your whole person. So in answer to your question what can you do to move on from this, here's another question: what else is happening iny our life? What are you planning to do now that school is finished?

[locko42]

Thankyou for your comment, I found it very helpful. Next year i will be moving to the city (currently live in the country) and go to university. Exams are next week so everything is kind of stressful at the moment but a fresh start year is what i think i need.

[marcus_c]

Hi locko42, glad it was helpful. Good luck with your exams, I'm sure you'll do really well. It is really exciting getting a fresh start with uni and moving to the city. My first year out of school, I was so amazed by how different 'real life' was, and how unimportant a lot of crap from school had seemed. You'll get to meet lots of new people and find out a lot more about yourself and the kind of person you want to be. It's scary and exciting all at the same time. Keep checking in if you want to, would like to hear how you go.