“No Longer Human”

[arka]

I feel like I don’t fit into any sort of notion of identity, on any sort of level whatsoever. I myself feel like an alien, not even because I can’t relate to my peers or even my own friends but honestly just because I feel like I’m not human. I know I am, but it’s just the way I feel. I’d like to believe I’m a decent person and that I’ve paid my dues in relationships, work, what-you-have-it, but it feels impossible to find a community that I fit into anymore.

Coming out as anything but what’s deemed “socially correct” in my particular clique would put my near non-existent social life at jeopardy, which I’m honestly not willing to do while feeling like a worthless sack of a person that’s barely holding myself together mentally, or even physically. Losing those few connections I have would probably ruin me to be perfectly honest. I’ve already pretty much stopped taking care of myself because as I said before, I barely feel like a human anymore and find no point in treating myself like one if I can’t find it in myself to perpetuate the thoughts on a mental level. I always feel really gross and fatigued, and life feels insanely hard to deal with right now.

At the end of the day though, I feel like being true to my identity might help me feel a little more me again. Lately I’ve felt nothing short of an absolutely worthless existence, but I feel like at least by reassuring myself “Hey! You don’t have to look in the mirror and shove on those boring slacks every day. It might be good for you to experiment a little, hey, maybe wear something bright for a change or grow your hair out,” and that even a small physical change could help me feel a little more authentic and like I’m worth something.

That was a really long and honestly pretty incoherent rant, sorry. I just wanted to get some of my thoughts out into words. Hopefully someone out there that can relate sees this and feels at least a little more human too, knowing that someone else in this crazy big country feels the same… even with the insane distance between us.

And don’t forget to appreciate yourself. You deserve it. 🙂

[Sophie_M]

Hi Guest_22003698,

Welcome to the forums, we are so glad that you've taken a big step in sharing here. We hope you find some comfort in sharing here, and in hearing from the lovely community members, many of whom will be able to relate to some of the things you’re going through.

If you ever want to talk this through with one of the lovely Beyond Blue counsellors, feel free to give us a call on 1300 22 4636, or you can reach them through Online Chat here.  It might be a good time to reach out to your GP to talk about how you feel and explore your local support services as well. 

Thank you for sharing this and giving this community a chance to offer you their understanding and advice. We’re here to listen and offer support, and you never know how your story might help someone else.

Kind regards,
Sophie M

[therising]

Hi arka

I feel while we can go for years and even decades of not feeling the need to explore any type of soulful path, there can come a time where the feeling becomes undeniable. For some, the push comes through a sense of inspiration. For others it can come through a sense of pain and suffering. Personally, I've found when this occasional need comes to life (in a way that can be deeply felt) it also comes with a lot of questions, some of which can be

• Why am I here?
• Why do I suffer so much?
• How am I meant to be living life? In other words, there's got to me more to life than this!
• Who am I, really?

and the list goes on.

Not sure if you're fully conscious of the 'you' factor that can come with inner dialogue for some folk. For example, while some people may hear through their inner dialogue 'I don’t have to look in the mirror and shove on those boring slacks every day. It might be good for me to experiment a little, hey, maybe wear something bright for a change or grow my hair out...', others will hear 'You don’t have to look in the mirror and shove on those boring slacks every day. It might be good for you to experiment a little, hey, maybe wear something bright for a change or grow your hair out...'. I know a number of people who experience the 'you' factor regarding inner dialogue (myself included). What is it that's saying 'You'? Everyone's got a theory and the theories vary greatly. Higher self, inner guide or inner sage, more conscious part of the brain talking to us, divine guidance and on it goes. We can choose to simply call it 'Something helpful'. Whatever it is or whatever we choose to imagine it is, the question becomes 'Does it offer good advice, is it uplifting?'. Btw, it's worth noting that this 'you' factor has a flip side. With 2 sides to the inner dialogue coin, there's also a dark side which can sound like 'You're hopeless. You serve no purpose. Why are you even here?!'. Again, where ever it's coming from, the question remains the same, 'Does it offer good advice, is it uplifting?'. Of course, with the dark side the answer is going to be 'No'. As far as guidance and direction go, it's the kind of inner dialogue that can take us in the direction of hell on earth (aka 'Depression').

Sometimes it can be a matter of one step at a time as we come to reform our self into who we we're naturally born to be. If we're born to be a bit of a free spirit, we might begin dressing as one. If we're born to be someone who experiments with our identity, go for it (within reason). If we're born to experience our long hair blowing in the breeze on occasion, grow that hair and find that breeze on some incredible holiday somewhere. As a 54yo gal, I sit here writing to you with my purple hair which I cut short a year ago or so. I recall standing in front of the bathroom mirror in tears when something said to me 'Cut your old grey hair short, as it's one of the things that's making you feel sh**'. While offering great advice, my inner guide can have a bit of a potty mouth at times 🤣

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear arka……..🤗🩷..

Your very last sentence tells me that you are a very caring person….I am going to say the same to you…..Please appreciate yourself, because you’re worth it…

Firstly, please don’t be sorry about your post…that’s what these forums are for…I have been thinking about your words because not that long ago…I felt like I didn’t deserve to exist..I did nothing but stay inside my home for weeks even months…not caring about myself, and not looking after myself… I felt I didn’t deserve to live because I wasn’t contributing to society…

Loosing my husband to cancer, I had to use our saving first before I got onto a pension from centre link….then being put on job search at that time…I was required to do 14 hours a week volunteer work….by this time I hadn’t gone out for months, it was so hard to fill that obligation to go outside into a world I thought I never belonged to….a very scary place to be…after a few weeks..I started to feel human again, I had to learn how to have a simple conversation because for years I didn’t really communicate with anyone….I started to feel …a part of society…I now felt worthy of living…my volunteer work was in a charity shop and after when I was placed to work in the shop…I found ways to help people who were struggling in life…

I left that job last Monday, due to an injury, sitting here, now my old thoughts are already arising again…I have no reason to go outside anymore…or to make myself presentable to society…what’s scary is, I feel comfortable with these thoughts…I don’t have to pretend anymore….I can stay in my little world, how easy it is to not care anymore about me…but I will try, because I need to do so, so I can feel like I am living and not just existing…

What I’m trying to say, is if we have a purpose in life, something to do, which includes interaction with other people we feel better about ourselves…a couple of years ago while  working I started wearing dresses again…I felt different within myself, maybe dear arka, grow your hair out, change something about yourself like, the style of clothing you wear, different hairstyle… it doesn’t change who we are but seeing ourselves in the mirror a bit different from the years of no change might help you to see what an awesome person you really are…self care is so important for our mental health…Please try hard to care for your beautiful self…you are very much worth caring for…

Please dear arka, never think that you are not worth anything…because you are, just by being here and sharing your story, you unknowingly will help a lot of people who relate to what your feeling….you are not alone..I can be certain that your peers and friends value you so much and know your true worth in life….which is gold…

Like you said to all of us reading…Please appreciate your beautiful self….we do appreciate you….

My kindest thoughts and care dear arka….also a gentle caring hug 🤗 if that’s okay..

Grandy..