For lack of a better term: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!

Tibel

I'm not exactly sure where to post this. I am bisexual and GNC, but I also went to highschool during a time when one was either gay or straight, I was ostracized from both sides, in year 11 one of the straights gave me the derisive nickname "not sure" in response to me expressing uncertainty about my sexuality, when I tried to hangout with the gays I was belittled and mocked, while any attempt I made to participate in the ribaldry was determined to be homophobic and I was made to feel like a piece of shit. My entire life has been made hellish due to the average individuals inability to believe in anything other than false dilemmas

I am also very smart, and please trust me when I say that's not me bragging. I've spent most of the past ten years trying to give myself a chemical lobotomy. On top of that I'm extremely sensitive, and it has often felt like I love everyone, but everyone hates me. Even if someone seems to like me, they still leave enough room for doubt so that I think they secretly hate me.

I am 35, and I am alone. There must be something fundamentally wrong with me, because I have 100% more options and 0% of the results. Of course, bisexuality isn't that simple, basically, these days, I'm attracted to 90% of women, and singer/songwriter Sufjan Stevens. It also seems to be linked to some latent feminity, that is, the way in which I'm attracted to men (or, man, as it were) is distinct from the way in which I'm attracted to women. But I digress. The point is I'm lonely, the point is since I was eight years old I've wanted nothing more than to have someone fall asleep in my arms, since I was twelve years old I've slept with extra blankets and pillows as a surrogate for these unmet needs, the point is I've never had this. Well, to be totally fair, I've had it once. She was obese, and she had sleep apnoea which resulted in thunderous snoring, but I still really appreciated it - though it would be nice to find someone who takes care of themselves at least enough so that I can also get some sleep. Digressing again, what can I say, I'm in a mood.

Sorry this is so long I'm gonna have to do multiple posts. I could probably edit it down but I just want to get all this out.

Sophie_M

Hello Tibel,

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us, it sounds like your experience is very nuanced. It must be incredibly difficult knowing who you are in a world that has subscribed to binaries for the longest time. But just because we have been indoctrinated into a society that is often 'black and white', doesn't make it true. I am curious, where have you felt the most safe to be yourself since high school?

I'd like to add that it is in our inherent nature to want and need to be accepted, so experiencing vulnerability around how your peers made you feel growing up makes a lot of sense. It would have been a very different time socially, like you said, and it wasn't fair that you were mocked or ostracized... that must have hurt so much. I can imagine it would make it hard to really trust people too? Do you have a therapist you can talk about all of this with?

Sensitive and smart, what a wonderful combination of characteristics! It sounds like you have so many things to bring into a connection, it's just about finding the right relationships for you. Aside from your last partner, what is your most recent memory of feeling good in a connection? It could be anything from a chat with your local barista, to a conversation with a counsellor - what made it feel good for you? Maybe we can start there and it will help to get specific about the kinds of connections/environments you may be needing right now to feel more grounded?

Looking forward to hearing from you,
Sophie M.

Tibel

I'm doing a lot better now, thank you Sophie. Some people talk about being scarred for life, but right now I'm feeling as though scar tissue isn't such a bad thing; wounds I'd never thought would heal are beginning to close.

I just saw something triggering, and while it hurt, I handled it well. I may be bisexual, but for whatever reason it's mostly rejection from women that really bothers me.

I have this swirling vortex still inside of me that's full of all sorts of self-doubt and cognitive dissonance. I don't know what to do about it except cry and go to sleep. I know that sounds like I'm not doing okay, but it's an improvement.

I kinda feel like I need a new life, but I'm also afraid to start one.

I really appreciate your helping me out. I hope I can find some happiness.