Married guy

[Married_bi_guy]

Hi I'm married to a beautiful lady. Before I was married I had a good amount of bisexual experiences. Now I'm starting to crave it again. I'm hooked on gay porn and always look at other guys. I've even downloaded gay apps. I don't know what to do

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I'm sorry this has given you such confusion.

When we are in situations that result in high stress, worry and guilt let alone hurting someone else, we generally have three forms of direction we can go.

The first one is hang in there as these feelings could go away eg your desires wain and they might wain all your life.

The second is to seek help even secretly depending upon your feelings

The third is to inform her of your situation that would likely terminate your marriage.

Personally, if I was in your situation the third option is what I would do even if you try the first two options. What is my concern is your mental health through this difficult period. I believe there is only a certain amount of mental torment before you must take some action to reduce these issues from tearing you apart. The effects of this stress can cause you immeasurable pain and suffering not to mention your wife living in a relationship she is unknowingly not getting what she perhaps planned for.

I hope I've helped. It is a difficult situation so take care of yourself and seek help if you can arrange it confidentially.

TonyWK

[MarkPiz]

Hi Married bi guy,

Just to add to white knight comments, I have witnessed bi men talk to their wives and it has turned out really positive, e.g. marriage did not dissolve - in fact it strengthened.

Your lucky to be married to a beautiful lady and l do hope it all works out for both of you.

Cheers

[Croix]

Dear Married bi guy~

I'd like to join TonyWK and MarkPiz in welcoming you here and before saying anything else would think that Tony has left out a fourth alternative, that of secretly having affairs without your wife's knowledge.

Frankly I've no idea what is the best option in practice for you and your wife, there are a huge array of people in the world, and what suits one may not suit another.

All I can suggest is that as someone with a partner I need kindness, honesty and care (& humor) , and hope that I give it back in full measure, together with a deal of happiness.

I acknowledge at first sight this does not get you much further forward, and I am certainly not advocating one alternative over another. All I can suggest is you weigh up your plans wiht these factors in mind.

Is there anyone you can talk these matters over with - including your wife, if you think that is the way to go.

It may be you wife would understand and not stress over matters, it might be the exact opposite, then again some might deliberately be happier not to know. So I guess it is up to you to decide the effect on your own well-being and hers in any course you take.

All I can do is hope you are granted the wisdom to find the best solution for all.

Croix

[Quercus]

Hello Married Bi Guy and welcome,

Seeing as you have three replies from men and yet to hear from a woman I figured I'd join the conversation. I hope that's ok.

As a wife myself I find myself agreeing with MarkPiz' comment. Until you raise the issue with your wife you can't truly know how she will react. She might surprise you.

Reading your post and the replies I found myself considering how I would feel if it were my husband in your shoes.

Croix was brave to mention secrecy and infidelity. It is common and this is a very honest option even if it is one that I find distressing. For me going behind my back would mean a nasty end to our marriage.

And yet curiously enough I like the option of being honest. A bisexual husband is something I would be willing to try make work if he spoke to me first and made it clear he still wanted me as well and wanted our marriage to work.

Obviously this is my response and your wife will have her own feelings. But I wanted to show that it isn't always hopeless. You've said you love your wife and are bisexual so perhaps that could be a good place to focus on. That you still desire and love her regardless of wanting men too.

If you did choose to talk to her it might help to have thought clearly about what you need, what ideas you have and how you could make sure your wife knows she is still loved and respected. I think you it is also a realistic idea to consider if you are ok with sharing your wife.

Tony makes a realistic point also that your wife may not be able to accept this. That is a valid feeling too and out of your control so it is worth thinking about whether your desire outweighs the risk.

No matter what you decide there is support here for you. Even if I can't fully understand how you might feel I'm happy to try support you

Nat

[Where_too_from_now]

Hi Married bi guy,

What a difficult place that you find yourself in. It sounds like you love your wife very much.

As the wife of a husband who’s in pretty much in the same place as you (minus the previous bisexual experiences- or so he says) I’m likely to be coming from a different perspective again to the other wonderful responders.

Do you think that your wife knows or suspects that something is amiss in your relationship? How is the intimacy? Do you feel like you are sneaking around, watching the gay porn or making use of the apps? If you do, how does it make you feel?

I only ask because I knew something wasn’t right between my husband and I but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Intimacy was non existent and no matter how hard I ‘tried’ in that area I couldn’t break through. There were many hours spent by him in the toilet with his iPhone (playing Candy Crush maybe 😂). I did everything I could to push down suspicions and thought that it must be me. We were best friends so at least we had that and I hoped that the rest would return in time.

When end I finally found out the truth (by accident) I was guttered. I felt betrayed, lied to, exposed, sad, angry and foolish. We’ve had many many many conversations, lots of counselling to try and work out what’s next. Maybe only now (5 months down the track) we’ve come to our final fork in the road and we need to make big changes.

I love him and will always love him. My hearts still hurts, but it’s less about his sexual identity and more about the wasted years and the fact that I gave so much of myself to him as he hid so much of himself from me.

So (from my vantage point and that of your wife’s), if you think you can and are up to it, please talk with her. Openness and honesty are key in ANY relationship and without it maybe it is deeply fractured anyway. Good luck