Male 31 is it hocd???

Magicguy123 · ‎27-02-2020

I keep continually thinking I'm gay, although I know I'm not, and its getting really confusing and hard to do anything. I feel like a completely different person to who I was 6 months ago. I'm a 31 year old male and have never had gay thoughts before, I've always noticed attractive men and appreciated their good looks, but I never craved anything from it. But now I I convince myself that I must want to sleep with him, which when I actually truly think about it, it makes me feel very uncomfortable. It's become an obsession in my thoughts which leaves me anxiety ridden most of the time, I can barely focus on anything let alone talk to girls the way I did. It sucks!!

I often have breaks from this feeling and I feel relieved and back to myself, where I can achieve my goals, and notice women again. Where I'm focused and excited by life.

But sure enough the thought comes back and I convince myself that I'm in denial or closeted, that the version of me that isnt anxiety ridden and confused, the version of me that is free and confident and inspired isnt the real me. That truely I'm this closeted gay man. Who has never before had gay feelings or thoughts. I have no real anxiety about comming out or about what my friends or family would think. The anxiety is in this complete identity shift, how after all the girlfriends, lovers and one night stands could I have missed this, how could I have not noticed.

Is it possible I turned gay, ive kissed a guy before, it didn't bother me or leave me perplexed or confused I brushed it off as a nothing incidence just a 21yr old looking for attention, thinking it was funny, and it was, but straight after I was back to talking to girls and even took a chick home that night. What's going on here?

Leo8 · ‎28-02-2020

Hi Magicguy 123. I don’t really have any advise unfortunately but what I can say is I know exactly what you are going through. It’s really weird I could admire an attractive guy but I never thought about doing anything sexual. I loved heterosexual relationships and knew nothing about gay sex. But like you at about the age of 30 I started to think differently and it made me really anxious. I wondered if there was a side to me that was hidden. I did eventually explore that side and I enjoyed it which made me even more confused. I think I’ve come to realise it’s ok to enjoy being intimate with someone irrespective of gender and it’s ok to look at both male and females and think they are hot. You don’t need to be either gay or straight or whatever you just need to love yourself for what you are and how you feel and not stress about it too much.

Warren2103 · ‎05-03-2020

Hi Magicguy123,

Firstly, I would suggest with starting not to try and put a "label" to how you're feeling at the moment. Trying to classify yourself will only add to your anxiety and frustration. There is absolutely nothing wrong with how you're feeling, it's a normal reaction to something about yourself you don't fully understand "yet".

You refer to "him" in your post, is this about a person you're friends with or know, or is it about how you feel towards men in general?

Magicguy123 · ‎08-03-2020

Hey Warren2103

Thanks so much for the response. You're right in the fact that him was a reference to men in general. No one particular person or friend.

I've been doing alot of soul searching recently really getting deep into some fundamental issues of mine and feel like I've made alot of progress and would love to talk you through them. I'm certain their not simply "remedies" to my ailment or an excuse to not be gay.

Tbh I feel the lable of being Gay was too much for me and this was causing the anxiety. It felt like too much of a shift to simply change sexuality and it doesnt feel right.

I think more than anything I'm craving a level of intimacy. Not even sex, just togetherness and a desire to feel desired. I want someone to hold me and appreciate me. I feel as a man that this is a need that has rarely been fulfilled by women, I feel I have always been the pursuer and provider of these feeling and rarely the recpricator.

I haven't had this connection for a long time with a woman and have been depressed with a low libido and terrible self esteem for at least a year. Deep down I just want to be loved and feel I'm searching for this in men as I feel completely unattractive to women currently. I have no real physical attraction to men but when I meet a gay man I have an overwhelming desire for him, to be touched and held. If I'm completely honest this has been recurrent in my life through my late teens and 20's but still never with a sexual attraction. Its always an emotional desire to be loved. With the physical sensations of hand holding or cuddling, light kissing. Intamacy not sex.

Essentially I feel like a chick that nobody wants to love, and shes just waiting for a man to look at her and tell her shes beautiful and hold her. With the social gender norms me being the man with the penis this feeling grows and grows as its normally the males role to fulfill these needs of women not the other way around, so I'm left seeking out and desiring this affection from men.

When I'm in good shape working out confident and my sex drive is higher all these issues are almost non existent.

I'm certain this is what's happening and not me trying to deny myself being gay, or stay closeted. I've always been a feminine man and I'm learning to love myself again. This to me makes more sense and calms me far more than the overwhelming thought of being Gay.

I'm a straight man that just wants to be touched and truly I'm more than ok with a man doing that, I'm exhausted of having to constantly be the pursuer of relationships and intimacy. And find solice and ease in allowing myself to be loved by whom ever. Still I dont crave a relationship from a man nor the sex. But just the connection that those things symbolize.

Does that make sense? Is it atall possible?

Leo8 · ‎11-03-2020

Hi magic guy. You make sense to me. I understand completely how you just want someone to hold and want you. As a man it is often our role to put our arm around and comfort but sometimes it would be nice to have someone do this to us.

Lenscap · ‎29-03-2020

Hi magicguy123,

I have always found trying to label myself as a great disservice to working out what will make happy.

It may come as a great comfort that like in attraction, companionship and sex does not need to fit the model that is presented so often in the media.

Stephen Fry is quite generous in expressing his experience of gay love.
Very much in the image of companionship, nurturing, kissing and touching and so on.

Find the limits you enjoy sharing with others and cut yourself a break for trying something new. You are also worthy of the love you would show those dear to you.

Warren2103 · ‎29-03-2020

Hi mate,

Firstly, my apologies for the delay in responding. Secondly, I'll preface by saying I'm certainly no medical professional and while I'm more than happy to talk to you about anything and be helpful as I can be, I would always highly recommend anyone experiencing any type of issue that's impacting their quality of life to seek professional medical advice. Ok now that that's out of the way, let's talk this through together.

I'm keen to understand the fundamental issues you mentioned and what's been going through your mind and how they contribute to your current way of thinking.

Reading your response, don't worry about sexuality, labels or anything superficial like that, keep your focus on your feelings and try to understand what's driving them. You said your self esteem has been terrible for at least a year. What was it like prior to 12 months ago? Did something happen 12 months ago that contributed to your shift in self esteem?

A lot of the things we lack emotionally as adults can 'sometimes' be traced back to early childhood. I'm not saying this is the case for you but sometimes looking to the past can provide us with answers to the present. What was life like when you were a child? Were you fortunate to have two parents that loved and cared for you? If so, did they display love and affection towards you? Have you explored this part of yourself to see if there might be a connection to how you're feeling now?

Sincerely,

Warren.