I'm. a. Lesbian ? Mainly venting .

[Freydis]

Hi Everyone,I guess I'll get right in to it. I have been with my partner (Male) for over 10 years. I came out to him at the end of last year during a Manic episode it's something I've dealt with although I have never been with a women, I've certainly had many crushes and many strong feeling friendships, during my teenage years I was very promiscuous (not sure what other word to use) so when I came out it was a surprise I suppose to every one I know. It's women I want to be with, It's women I want to spend my time with, I yearn for an intimate relationship with a Woman though I'm slightly attracted to certain men but can only see myself having a good time and nothing more I feel I don't relate to men from anything other then sexual, women on the other hand I just can't explain it . Anyways, I love my partner we have a good time,I trust him he's an amazing father he can be a bit full on so I enjoy my time away from him but also feel I miss him he's the only man I can see my self with. When I came out he didn't want me to leave and we have 2 young children so didn't want to split our family up, we came to an arrangement we would try dating while together though he is very jealous so I was hoping he would find some one and be okay with me looking for my someone, he had a few dates I would help him get ready he had sexual activity with one women twice but said it's not something he can do as he loves me and it doesn't feel right he feels he cheated, he's been beating himself up ever since even though I've told him it's changed nothing for me and I'm not upset I have always said through our entire relationship that he can have other sexual partners than just me please just be truthful about it, this is something he has never acted on aside from What I've just said above this . This has made it impossible for me to explore these feelings I have . I've told him that I won't leave him but this is something I want to explore even if it's not sexual I just want to meet women that feel the same way I do and form some sort of connection. Can I wait until my kids have left home ? Is that possible I feel I will end up hating him, then we thought about a "throuple" I've thought about this often and I would really love to try this though very hard to meet people with the same mind set . Any time my feelings/sexuality are brought up he gets very upset and says things like why do you like hurting me. I can assure you I don't but it's something I want to talk about.Appreciate

[Sophie_M]

Dear Freydis,

We would like to welcome you to our forums. We are a helpful and supportive community, and we are pleased you found the strength and courage to post about your confusion and frustration with realising that you have not been living your truth.

We understand that you are torn between not hurting your male partner or your children, and finding happiness in your own life. This sounds like a difficult struggle for you.

We would like to encourage you to contact QLife
https://qlife.org.au
1800 184 527
3:00 PM to Midnight everyday for peer support.

You may also call BeyondBlue Support Service on 1300 22 4636, or Lifeline on 13 1114, to speak confidentially with a mental health specialist about anything that might be troubling or confusing you.

Warm regards,

Sophie M.
 

[geoff]

Hello Freydis, it is good you have posted your comment, because I'm sure you aren't the only person in this position, so well done.

Just remember no matter what desire you feel as though you are, that's not going to stop you from liking a person from the opposite side, however, if your partner finds another person, what's stopping you from having an attraction towards her, may be that's something you need to consider, although there is no harm in doing so.

He wants to keep you together for the kids sake as well as you love each other, but that's not stopping you from going out and having a 'ladies night', but perhaps both of you can refrain from bringing your other partner home, until the kids realise what's happening, just a suggestion.

Geoff.

[smallwolf]

Hi.

Thanks for sharing your story and welcome to the forums. And venting is perfectly ok - sometimes in writing you find the answers you are looking for, or in a space like this maybe the responses help.

Many thoughts came into my head after reading your post. I tried to put myself into your husband's shoes... I didn't know what to think but fear about what could happen if you found someone. The hard conversation is you hurting me rather than speaking about it. And/or topics around this were never spoken of in his own family?! I hope you can see this is more me than him except the possibilities of what he might be thinking.

Saying this ... I know these are things that can be worked on.

I also know that after difficult conversations I can feel lighter. Before these chats there is a fear of what might be said or how will they react!

Flipping the tables... When I need to have hard conversation with wife my psychologist gives me tips on how to approach these. If you like I can share an idea or 3.

We never know what will happen tomorrow, let alone 10 years from now. All we can do is make decisions based on the information we have at the time.

I had questions but they can wait till another time.

[therising]

Hi Freydis

'Rewriting' a relationship or marriage contract can definitely be tough going. With a relationship being pretty much based on how we relate, what happens when we begin to relate differently, while coming to evolve in a number of ways? Is it a matter of rewriting the contract we share or is it a matter of amicably ending it? Lots of questions can come into the deciding process, such as 'Am I capable of evolving through my partner's change while we stay together?', 'Do I need to let my partner go?', 'Are there things I need to work on myself, regarding my own evolution, while my partner faces theirs?' etc.

Sounds like you've led your partner to explore evolving beyond sharing a monogamous relationship. I feel for him while he faces the tormenting battle between 2 minds, perhaps the one that says 'This could work' and the one that dictates 'Forming another intimate relationship is just plain wrong'. Would be interesting to know which 2 minds he's working with, which 2 very different sets of mental programs.

Now, I warn you, I'm one of those woo woo kinda gals 🙂 Given this, to me a relationship is not so much a gender thing than it is an energetic thing. What I mean is it's about the kind of energy we feel from others and/or share with them. While I've been in a monogamous relationship with my husband for around 25 years, I do get where you're coming from to a degree. Female energy has a very different feel to it. It's 'soft' and a 'flowy' kind of thing. Masculine energy is 'hard' and 'strong'. When I say this, doesn't mean you can't find a well balanced guy who doesn't have a truly beautiful soft or gentle side or a gal who doesn't have a strong and powerful side, it's more so simply a vibe kind of thing. Also, women are typically voluptuous kinda people, no matter their shape or form, which is one of the reasons men love them.

I suppose the question comes down to 'Does your husband want to explore different types of sexual energy with others or not? Does he only want to connect with yours because he loves it some much and nothing compares, to that work up and internal course of energy or charge up?'. If he's a 'There's only one woman for me' kind of guy, I think that's gotta be respected even if that involves letting him go to find her. Now this suggestion is seriously outside the square but how do you think he'd react if you said 'I want you to go out and responsibly 'research' different types of energy and then bring back what you've learned'?