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Feeling torn

Community Member

Hi my name is georgiegirl462. I am 60, married with a transgender daughter. Her father and I are thrilled that she has finally discovered herself (four years ago at the age of 33). She is planning to have the op but she has to go to Canberra and we are in se qld. I was worried that she would be by herself for up to 2 weeks, one in hospital and one in a motel while she recovers. She has asked me to come down and be with her for one night while she gets from hospital to motel.

Her father, my husband, has had a chronic pain disability for 30 years. He is mostly house bound and struggles to be be by himself. I work 3 days a week. I see my family rarely as they live in NSW and when I go to visit by myself, he needs carers to come in during the day.

I had to say no to my daughter. She is very upset and can't understand why I choose her second over her father. I am torn, I so desperately want to go down to be with her but my husband is devastated at the thought of being left alone (depression, abandonment issues, fear of what could go wrong while I'm away, worried I may have to stay longer). She has no one else to turn to.

2 Replies 2

Community Champion
Community Champion

hello and welcome to the forums.

such a hard decision to make - between your daughter and partner and perhaps between a rock and a hard place.

And I am sure if you partner was not bad (physically) you would go to your daughter. Your daughter would also be going through a lot as well and looking for support with someone being there. I have been told you can only make decisions based on the information available at hand.

I just wonder if there some middle way or compromise you can come to with your daughter and partner. And i don;t know what that might look like. Whether it is a promise to see her later on, and/or someone to look after hubby or facetime or similar now or ??? If you went down and communicated with hubby every day? I am hopeful there are other possibilities.

My dad had depression and medical issues as well. Mum looks after him, but he also has to have some take responsibility to look after himself as well. You have gome and come back previously, and would be the same now. If you were away, he can still reach you as well?

So hard to make it easier for both. Please be kind to yourself and if you want to chat more ...

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello georgiegirl, and also welcome to the forums.

As Smallwolf says you're caught 'between a rock and a hard place', but as you work 3 days a week then your husband has to manage, so another day while your daughter gets from hospital to a motel then the help he may need might be able to look after him one or two more days, just a suggestion.

There is another option and that he can be looked after in respite, just for a week if need be, then you can go to be with your daughter who has made a very difficult decision to have the operation.

I realise both need looking after but she is wanting support as well and may require your guidance.