I don't know what to do.

[kalredhead]

Hello everyone.  I've been going through a rough time lately and I really just need someone to listen. I'm a 22 year old man, I'm gay and I have depression and social anxiety disorder.  At the moment it feels like I'm standing on the platform watching The train known as my life just roll by without stopping and I don't know what to do. I used to have a large circle of friends in high school who were great to me and this is horrible but I was under a lot of stress from coming to terms with my depression and sexuality and I just felt that I couldn’t trust them to still be friends if I told them any of this. I live in a country town and I heard about a lot of bullying and prejudice to people who were known to be gay in school, including a close friend of mine. By year 12, it had just become too much to cope with, so I left before the end of the year and just shut myself off from the rest of the world. It was some time but I finally mustered up the courage to come out to my family. Everyone was very supportive except for my Dad, who didn't believe me because I had never been with a guy before. I tried to tell him that I didn't have to be with a guy to be sure, I just knew, but he just brushed it off and said it was a phase. It really hurt me because I had nothing but respect for him. I never brought the subject up again. As for my mum, she also has depression and we've been trying to work through it together but my sickness causes me to sometimes be aggressive and paranoid, thinking that everything she says about me is some kind of attack on me and it's driving us further and further apart. My poor brother sometimes ends up stuck between us when my mum and I argue and frankly I think he just wants to get away from the both of us as soon as he can. I don't blame him. 

It's been like this for some time now and I have been having thoughts about self harming and even suicide and it scares the hell out of me. I'm really stressed out and just want to scream.

I'm sorry about the long rant. This is something that I've been meaning to get off my chest for a while. I don't expect any advice, I just needed someone to listen. 

beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[Neil_1]

Hi Kalredhead

May I welcome you to Beyond Blue and just say that by coming on here and then posting can take a lot of courage and I'd like to say "Well done" to you for doing this.  You know sometimes it can be a kind of therapeutic experience just to write things down and get them off your chest and out in the open.

It was again another massive show of strength and courage to be able to open up to your family and although your Dad hasn't quite come to terms yet, it must have been a huge relief to you that (a) you did it and (b) that you received support from your Mum and your bro.  I won't go into much about how your Dad is, but I still believe you respect him and love him, just like he unquestionably loves you as well.  I have no experience in this kind of situation, but my only suggestion or advice would be that as time goes by "I hope he understands".

It's a difficult one with you and your Mum, as in both suffering, but there is some trouble with it driving you further apart.

May I ask whether you've been to a GP at all to discuss your depression and social anxiety disorder?  If you have, do they have you on any medications to help and have you had any further professional help - like perhaps seeing a psych just to discuss your depression and your anxiety disorder and to work through some of the issues there?

Now as you never mentioned anything like that, there might be a possibility that you haven't sought out that kind of assistance yet ... and if not, then this was a very positive step in coming to Beyond Blue.  Kalredhead, on this site Beyond Blue have got a list of GP's and if you do a search on them, hopefully you may be able to find one that is in your local area - or as you're in a country town, hopefully one not too far away.  These GP's are all fully trained in mental health issues and would be a really helpful path to follow.

Just out of interest, do you have a job;  and do you have other interests/hobbies that you enjoy?

Again well done for posting and I hope that you can come back to let us know how you're going?

Kind regards

Neil

[geoff]

dear Kalredhead, well I would also like to thank you for joining just like Neil has mentioned.

Sexuality has no significance on this site, in other words it doesn't matter one bit which sex you are attracted to, we are all humans and we can get depressed, which is a growing problem to our society these days.

I agree with Neil in that over time your dad may accept this, sure but you want to be friends with him again, where father loves his son and vice-versa.

Bulling those people who are a bit different to the main consensus is option the case, and in turn this then isolates you in so many ways, and can then create problems down the track for you, which we want to try and help you with.

You will to remember that your mum has depression but she would probably have your dad talking to her about the situation, so she is caught between two sides, because she supports you and then tries to let your dad feel that it's all OK, but she isn't strong enough to fight both sides.

I would probably think that your dad keeps on saying maybe sarcastic remarks behind your back or as a passing remark, so what you have to do is say to your dad 'please dad no more remarks about my sexuality, can we just leave it there, thanks dad I would really appreciate this, you know that I love you', finish full stop.

I am sure whether you can move out of the house, which would then give you some breathing space. Geoff.

[kalredhead]

Hello Neil1.

Thank you for your advice. I probably should have mentioned that I have been seeking help for my problems from the local community mental health center,  but my attendance to meetings with psychologists is sporadic at best due to the extreme fluctuation of this anxiety.  One moment, I'll be up town by myself with no problems and the next, I'll trap myself in my room and just try to forget about everything.  

I'm not even sure when all of this began, whether I've always been a wreck or if it just appeared over time. But one thing I do know is that I started to feel very down around the onset of puberty.  And coupled with my parents inevitable divorce and constant fighting and  thoughts about my sexuality, I guess I didn't have a chance.

I was born when my mum was still very young herself. At the time, she wanted to go party with her friends and just didn't know what to do with me.  Because of this,  she blames herself for my current predicament even though I think I would've ended up the way I am now. 

As for my dad, he is currently living in Victoria with his new wife and two daughters. It's been a few years since the divorce and it feels like he's forgotten about us. I've decided not to try and convince him that I'm gay. I just don't think that he'll ever understand. I don't think I even want to see him again. 

As for hobbies, well I like to write. I also enjoy singing and anything to do with computers and video games. In the near future I plan to take the cert II course in IT with Open University. 

I'm sorry I've said so much again, I realized I left out some important subjects. Again, thank you for your advice.  I'm going to try and talk to my Mum about my feelings. 

Thank you Neil1.

[scorch]

Hi Kalredhead

Sorry I haven't replied to your post before this.  I haven't checked this section of BB forums for a few weeks.  I hope you're still visiting the forums.  You sound like a nice guy and I think you could find a lot of support on here.

I think I experience anxiety similarly to you.  I also live in a small country town, some days I feel confident to go down the street by myself and others I am terrified to even leave my room.  It's hard because I never know what will trigger a severe anxiety reaction, or when it will happen.  So yeah, I understand how hard it can be.

I'm sorry that your dad is not very supportive.  It's the biggest source of mystery to me why some people care what another person's sexuality is.  I've got very strong feelings about this, I'm of the opinion that attraction is attraction, love is love... I don't care what package it comes in, and I think it's a sad commentary on our society that people feel the need to define their sexuality at all.  We're all just people, we all need love, friendship and support.  Gay, straight, bi, trans, pansexual, whatever - we're all human and when you get down to it, we are all the same at the core, wanting love, contentment and acceptance... we just go about different ways of finding it 🙂

Sorry for the rant.  

I think it's great that you had the courage to come out to your family, even if they didn't all react as you might have hoped.  A lot of people go through life afraid to be themselves, so it's a brilliant (and probably the hardest) step that you've made.  You should feel proud of yourself for that.

Are you close to your brother?  Are you able to confide in him the thoughts and feelings you are having?   

Do you have friends in town who understand your situation?  Anyone who can be a shoulder to cry on, or even who can take you out now and then and distract you?  Do you do anything with your singing?  Maybe you could join a band with some friends or something?

You mentioned that you are going to do some online study.  That's cool.   I think that study can help give a person a feeling of accomplishment and encouragement.  Like with my depression I often feel worthless, but when I do a short course for the volunteer organisation I'm a part of my mind says 'yeah, I'm not so stupid after all.  I can learn new things and do them well.' 

It's nice to meet you.  I hope to see you around the forums 🙂

[bear_cub1]

Wow.This is almost the same as me. This is my first post here but if you want to contact me for a chat just to talk about things, just post here 🙂

[meck01]

I'm a gay 31 year old male - who only in the last 18 months has come to love myself and to hell with everyone else.

I used to be an angry young man, I used alcohol and drugs and used to fly off the handle.

I haven't touched either for 10 years and have been the better for it.

You can't change what others think - their will be people who don't like gay people - some will even think it's a choice.As anyone who is gay knows - this is plainly false (after all, when did they choose to be straight?).

I was disowned at 18 - it has made me more independent and although it wasn't ideal, it has allowed me to choose my own family (family aren't necessarily those who share your blood) and has freed me up to chase my dreams.

I have reconnected with my birth relatives, but it will never be the close relationship others have.

I identified my trigger points and learnt to work through them.

Mine were that I was not good at anything and that any time I was given the slightest bit of negative feedback, I would go into attack mode as I was seeing this as a slight on my character.

It took a while, but has made me a stronger person with a much thicker skin.

Finally - give yourself a break. 

You aren't perfect and need to realise this and that your mother is at least supportive of you.

For mine - loving yourself is the most important step and if this means cutting contact with family members (even if they are your parents) then so be it.