I don't know what to do, I'm queer and a minor in an unsupportive environment.

[saturn62]

I'm Bisexual & Ace, both of my parents accept this and kinda expected it.
But recently, after working with my therapist, I came out to my mum as transmasc

She was shocked, though I thought it was quite obvious she didn't agree. She has been blatantly transphobic in the past but within the last year she's improved heaps, and I thought it'd be okay. It's been a few months since I first came out, and she said she needed time to process this, which is understandable. But both me and my therapist thought she would come around, I love her so so much and she has been my biggest supporter and advocate throughout all my hardships (I have both Autism and ADHD, as well as anxiety/depression symptoms) but she just refuses to accept that I am a boy.

She says it's because she doesn't want me to do anything permanent and ruin my future (I have explained to her multiple times, changing my pronouns and name *isn't* a permanent thing, I don't even want hormones) and while I understand that it's coming from a place of love and care I can't help but hate her. She says she isn't stopping me from expressing myself but that's *exactly* what she's doing!
She won't let me use my preferred name, won't let me tell the rest of my family and is basically insisting it's a phase. She said 'that I've never really fit in or had friends, and I'm latching onto this "online persona" because it's the only way I feel accepted', which is complete and utter nonsense. She says she want's me to really think about what I'm doing, refusing to listen to me when I've been feeling this way for 4 years. She needs to understand that this is exactly why I don't trust her with my personal stuff, cause she denies it "out of love." She refuses to accept my dysphoria, saying hating its normal to hate your breasts.

I don't want to live here anymore, I have a younger Autistic sister who takes up all of her time, my dad is a bipolar mess and I don't feel safe around him, he has given me genuine trauma/PTSD from his verbal outbursts
I can't go to my Aunts, cause she scares me sometimes too, and her kids are even more transphobic than my mum
I don't think I can go to my grandmas, because they live so close that my parents can drag me back if they want to
I don't know what to do. I can't go on like this, I've tried for the past 4 years and I just can't anymore. I have no stable support system. I wouldn't survive a day running away, but I'm considering it. I have two weeks until my next therapy appt, I don't know what to do

[therising]

Hi saturn62

I think there can be so much involved in how we identify our self and others. Our identity or other people's identity can be comprised on so many little things that all add up. There can be social beliefs, religious/cultural/generic spiritual or soulful beliefs, personal experiences, references through the senses (visual, audible, olfactory prompts or triggers etc), feelings/emotions, hormones and other chemical factors, neurological wiring, certain sensitivities and the list goes on. Sometimes it's not as simple as getting someone to change their mind automatically or straight away. Sometimes what works is leading them to gradually open their mind in certain ways that can be somewhat relatable to them. For example, while it may not be easy for you mum to suddenly start calling you by a different name after so many years, what may be a little more easy or relatable could involve saying 'Mum, if I asked you to start calling me by a nickname, do you think you could start there?'. So, if you gave her the name you now choose to go by and she started calling you by that name occasionally which eventually led to all the time, it would be a way of easing her into the name change. Might take a lot longer than what you'd like but in time it would come. For some people, they do want to change for the sake of their child or their friend or loved one but they genuinely struggle with the changes because some changes aren't easy. Sometimes easing people into changes can work. In time, family members or friends begin to open their mind and they then lead others to open their mind. So, it can have a domino effect. Starting the ball rolling can be the hardest or most challenging part.

It sounds like you're mum is an open minded person, yet someone who needs time to gradually open her mind more and more, bit by bit. Some challenges might be more of a struggle than others, for various reasons. Do you think if you asked her something along the lines of 'Mum, how do you think you could best relate to me gradually changing my name?' (for example), she might open her mind enough to come up with an idea that could end up working for the both of you, maybe an idea you haven't considered yet?