How did you realise you were LGBTQIA+?

sbella02 · ‎20-03-2022

I've always replied to threads but never created one myself, so here goes.

I have many queer friends, and I love hearing their stories about how and when they realised their sexuality. So I'm opening up the question to people: if you're comfortable sharing, when did you first realise you were part of the LGBTQIA+ community?

I went to an all-girls school and never really had any contact with boys until I was about 14/15, but I never thought that experiencing attraction to girls was possible for me. When I was probably about 11 or 12, I remember that there was one girl in my class who was new, and I just really wanted to be her friend for some reason. I couldn't explain why, but I just really wanted her to like me and be friends with me. I've now recognised that this is a common experience for closeted queer women.

It wasn't until I was 16 when I first started experiencing feelings towards a girl. I kept asking myself "is this a crush? these are feelings that I usually have towards boys, why am I feeling this towards a girl?". It was a strange time for me as I slowly came to realise that maybe, just maybe, I wasn't straight. I ended up coming out a year or two later to my sister, who is also queer. We had never really discussed our feelings towards the LGBTQIA+ community so didn't know how each other would react. But when one of us expressed our feelings, it was quite a pleasant surprise when the other one did too.

I have since become quite open about my bisexuality. I have a little rainbow in my Instagram bio, I have many queer friends and we all like sharing in our attraction towards hot celebrities and our similar queer experiences. It's interesting that since I've immersed myself in the community, I've become quite enamoured with queer experiences, so much so that I intend to carry this passion into my career, and pursue it as a potential research avenue. I would love to work with children and adolescents in future, and to be able to be an advocate specifically for LGBTQIA+ children and teens would be so fulfilling.

What's your experience of realising your identity? What's your story of coming out? I'd love to hear from fellow Beyond Blue LGBTQIA+ people.

SB

tmas · ‎20-03-2022

We keep running into eachother 🙂

As far as sexuality? I had a catholic upbringing and was always scared that I could be ‘something else’. I spent my early years raised by my mother and her mother, all cishet women with a sprinkling of cishet men who were very aloof. None of them were particularly open to LGBTQ+ people and ideas, don’t think it was ever a thought in their mind (it astounds me how people can be so sure of their sexuality, maybe they were a different generation, maybe they were lying, but probably the former). My mother wasn’t directly homophobic, but was biphobic and always said “bisexual men are gay men in denim, bisexual women are straight women wanting attention from men” whenever the label arose in conversation which hit me real hard and is a little ear worm I sometimes can’t shake to this day. It’s also SO FALSE and she has come around a bit. I think I had crushes on girls in my late childhood and teens - wanting to impress them, easy rejection and dejection, wanting to be the closest to them and have their affection, which I didn’t have in other friendships. regardless, I was scared of being queer (it was even an ocd obsession in early highschool spurred on when one of these crushes came out to me as gay) and in denial until about 18 when I finally admitted it to another queer friend. Dated a guy at 17 (who I was never attracted to), and a girl at 18 (who my relationship with was undermined by us both having severe mental illnesses). The relationship with the girl is actually how I came out (to my mum and sister that is), mother was completely misrepresenting our relationship to someone else during a fight and I had to come out in self defence which I still regret to this day. Now however, I’ve never had a problem owning bisexuality to the people I choose as friends. I am dating a man now and am incredibly happy with him, he knows I’m bi and kind of doesn’t care which makes me happy. Not so happy that some people seem to think Ive outgrown the ‘bisexual phase’… but they can live their own delusion and I’ll live mine.

Gender? It took accepting my sexuality to allow myself to admit I had so much trouble figuring my attraction out because I simply had no grasp on how I myself relate to gender. I was hyperfeminised as a child, and quite the opposite in my early teens, late teens I didn’t leave the house and after highschool I kind of just tried to forget about it. It’s not time to come out, I’m keeping this one close for now.

tmas · ‎23-03-2022

I said ‘denim’ instead of ‘denial’…

What do I even do with that

sbella02 · ‎25-03-2022

We do indeed!

I had someone a few months back ask me if I'd "outgrown the bisexual phase" because I am also currently in a hetero-presenting relationship, and I genuinely started laughing. Biphobia sucks.

It's really interesting how you've mentioned that your questions about your gender identity followed the acceptance of your sexuality. I've seen this exemplified in so many people. I think that this comes from the notion that our sexuality and gender can be closely linked. For example, I know of a trans influencer who explained that the experience of being homosexual as a trans male feels far more comfortable than it did for him being heterosexual prior to coming out. The attraction remains the same, but sometimes the identity acceptance and subsequent labels make all the difference. Really interesting concept.

I'm so glad to hear that you're able to own your bisexuality to your friends, that's amazing. It's super empowering to have people in your life who accept you for who you are. Especially as a queer person, it can be terrifying expressing your sexuality to somebody new, as there's always that underlying fear of judgement.

Always great hearing your perspective Tmas 🙂

beezel · ‎09-04-2022

Hi SB, I woke up one morning in my late 50's strongly and undeniably sexually attracted to women. It was a bolt from the blue after 28 years of a relatively happy hetero marriage and a couple of kids. I feel like I've been to hell and back with very limited support from anyone who has lived the experience.

Trying to make a decision about something over which a decision is not really possible if that makes any sense was phase 1, but once I realized I really had to follow a new path life got a smidge easier. What has been helpful has been an amazing sexual counsellor; really hard to get into and justifiably not cheap, but worth asking the GP for a referral if you are questioning, and a book by Carron Strock called Married Women who love women, and I've had unconditional support from friends and colleagues; most hetero as long as I keep my sexuality to myself. lol.

It's a really hard journey later in life, a different journey seeming from that of younger women. Almost a minority group within a minority group. A peer support group would be wonderful; sometimes you just want to hear that someone cares and that you are not alone.

Dougie1989 · ‎13-04-2022

I care and I understand it took me quite a while to realise I was gay I had absolutely no idea when I was at school but when I did realise it suddenly made me comfortable with who I was you are definitely not alone my family love and accept me for who I am and I’m sure yours will to

geoff · ‎13-04-2022

People's perspective in life can easily change and it can start by being able to relate to the same sex the majority of the time, and when this happens, you may begin to form a stronger alliance with them, which then leads onto other realities.

Geoff.

sbella02 · ‎13-04-2022

Hey Beezel,

Thank you so much for opening up to us. What an interesting experience. It's great that you've found people who support you on your journey. I'm curious to know, have you had a chat to your spouse about your realisation at all, or would it be difficult to open up this conversation with them?

SB

beezel · ‎22-04-2022

Absolutely SB, we've had the conversation and are no longer together. A lot of disbelief and denial for many, many months but remained supportive and hopeful I'd get over this phase..I wish. We are no longer together, still talking and co-operating with the children. Much easier to talk now.

I too have found immersion into community interesting; a lot of happy, energetic and eclectic / queer people so accepting and fun and others with odd and hostile behaviours from protective responses to past hurts carried forward. I have carried my experience into my professional life too SB. It has made me a much more accepting person. Good luck with your research, I've engaged this demographic group to develop resources previously. They know what they want; mainly to be listened to and be consulted on what they want and how they want to be involved, so I guess listening and self-determination, control and respect.

sbella02 · ‎22-04-2022

Beezel,

I'm sorry to hear that you're no longer together. It shows great respect for each other that you're still able to co-parent, that's fantastic.

I think it's incredible that you've found a community to share your experiences with, not so good that some of them are hostile but it's great that you've taken the perspective of understanding their behaviour as a response to their cumulative experiences.

Thank you for your advice! Attitudes and experiences within the queer community are so interesting to me, I'm keen to learn more.

SB