I don’t know if I can continue my life lying to my self

[GKD]

Hi everyone,

im very new and scared to do this but I’ll jump straight in.
I’ve been in a relationship for 5 years to my girlfriend (and living together for 2 years) but I’ve always questioned my sexuality. Lately it’s been on my mind so often that it feels like it’s all I think about. I really love her will all my heart we’ve been through so much together but about 6 months ago she approached me about my sexuality and confirmed that I like men as well this was so hard for me as I’ve never opened up to anyone before, she was so understanding and supportive.
lately she keeps being up the rest of our lives and reality has really been setting in that I’m with her for the rest of my life (which is really stressing me out) because I feel like I don’t even know my self of the sex of the person that I want to be with for the rest of my life. I know that if we were to break up I’d never get with another female as I really know I’m more attracted to men. In saying all this I don’t even know where to start, what to do or even to do anything at all. I really want her in my life and it really makes me upset thinking of a life without her my whole family loves and wants us to stay together forever, I’m worried that if we break up I’d never see her again. If anyone have been in a similar situation please give me some advice on what to do and how to tackle this.

I'm very sorry if You have to try and translate what I’ve said I’m just stress typing, there’s so much to be said that I’ve never had the courage to confront.

[Aaronsis]

Good Morning GKD

How very brave of you to not only identify with your feelings and own them but to write your first post and seek some support here. It is a wonderful community and the best part is the non jujdgement.

Firstly I want to say that I am no professional here, these are just my observations and feelings from what I have read. I know you have asked if anyone else in this situation can comment here, I am not in this situation but have come to support you at this time.

I just want you to ask yourself this first.."Should I be unhappy so that another person can be happy?" then "Is she really happy also knowing my inner concerns?" A relationship should not be a life sentence it should be something you join in where both parties are committed and in love and want to make the other their priority, then you receive that in return. I know this is the ideal and not all relationships are this cut and dry however, if you are having any doubts I would have to consider the value of the relationship to both you and to her, if you are spending mostly all of your time thinking about men and if your sexual needs are being met I think you perhaps need to take some time on your own to explore this. Just my thoughts.

We do only get one life GKD and I know you don't want to hurt your girlfriend, but is staying with her also hurting her? I think it is so very brave of you to come this far, to admit your feelings and to address these issues with her, the fact she raised them with you means she too can see that your sexuality is in question here and that there is probably a timeline on this relationship. It is also really lovely that your family are so keen on her and the relationship, but as you well know they are not the ones who have to live with what you are going through each day.

You say "I don't even know where to start, what to do or even do anything at all"..in my opinion I think this is the place to start. To identify if you infact want some time on your own to explore your feelings and your sexuality, or if infact you do nothing at all. I think once you answer this question wholly and with truth to yourself you will know what to do and where to start. If you choose to leave and explore this will come with sacrifices as will choosing to stay.

We are here for you to chat and to give you some support in this very confusing and frustrating time GKD.

Hope to chat to you some more

Sarah xx

[MissBenthos]

Hi GKD,

Our culture perpetuates the idea that the goal of our life is to meet "the one" and spend the rest of your life with them. That's actually not the only way to do relationships. My opinion is that relationships are there to add value to our lives and should always evolve to suit the people in them - the length of a relationship is not an indicator of the quality of the relationship.

There's a book called "stepping off the relationship escalator" by Amy Gahran where the escalator is the traditional model of meet > date > monogamy > move in together > marriage > children. That model works well for a lot of people but there are also a lot of people who feel trapped by it and would benefit by reshaping their relationships into something that isn't dictated by someone else. The book explores consensual non-monogamy, love without living together, deep connections that pause and resume, etc. The most important part of any relationship is communication. It sounds like she has been communicating her idea of what the rest of your lives could look like, but what do you want and how can you share that honestly with her?

If your wants and needs look different it may no longer be a good match, that doesn't mean your relationship was a waste of time or that it failed, it's just no longer serving the both of you. That's not an easy discovery though, attachments and emotions with someone you care for take a lot to move on from.

All the best xo

[Only_I_know]

Hey there GKD, welcome to the forums.I get where you are at. It's hard,confusing, and you're just trying to make everyone around you happy, whilst trying to confront your own feelings and desires.

I was in a similar situation to you. I'm in my 40's though, & got married, had 2 kids. I always knew though, that I liked men.

You've been given some great support above, and I can only reiterate that you should think about what is best for you. Don't go down a path unless you are fully committed and happy with it.

I was married for 20 years knowing that the life I was living was a lie, and it led me down the road of depression, eventually taking me to a point where I nearly ended it.

There I was, with a wonderful lady that I loved dearly, and loved me in return, the guilt, shame and anxiety was all consuming. One day she asked me if I wanted to talk, and I blurted out that I was gay. She wasn't totally surprised, she had questioned it over the years. Of course it hurt her deeply, only adding to my guilt. However she told me that "she couldn't stop loving me". We have since separated, but we remain loving friends. Obviously this relationship only helped with the fact that we still had kids to raise. This all happened about 18mths ago.

I'm not counselling you on ending your relationship, but suggesting that you really look at what you want. If you stay with your GF, get married, have kids etc, then later decide that this isn't who you are, then you are in a situation like I was, and possibly harder in the long run on both you and your GF. Feeling guilty about being with someone where you cannot give them everything they deserve from a loving relationship. I did not seek "comfort" from other men outside of my marriage as I didn't want to cheat on her and lose her trust.

Don't get me wrong, I don't regret my life, it was a wonderful marriage and I have 2 awesome kids. I don't know if I would have done anything differently, but these are different times than 25 years ago.

I would suggest talking to someone - a trusted friend if you are comfortable with it, or a counsellor or Psychologist (I ended up talking to a psych, and it helped immensely).

There is also an LGBT+ phone support group called Q-Life; they are a peer support. They also helped me get through a very tough time. Just google them.

So, keep chatting here, this was where I started my journey and I received some awesome support and advice (ideas) from a community of understanding folk.

Take care.

Daz