Gender stuff

[sparkvark]

When I pay attention to what I actually want (rather than burying it behind what should be/must be/is), I want to look more like the 'opposite' gender. I have kind of wanted this for quite some time, but it wasn't a tangible thought until a couple of years ago when I found out that trans was actually a real thing that real people could be. Having spent a bit of time exploring that thought, I don't think I need to take medical steps to be ok. I certainly couldn't deal with the social or career consequences it would have if I were to come out as trans (even non-binary).

I'm not 100% sure where that puts me. The best I can do is to be 'out' to myself (as what???) and wear the clothes I want to wear under circumstances where it won't cause contention with anyone else. But that's not quite enough, because during those times I want to be able to "pass" to myself. Except it's impossible to do that, especially without changes that other people can notice. It might be impossible altogether even if I needed to medically transition. My stupid face is just all kinds of wrong for anything even if I can convince myself the clothes are looking ok and are hiding the body stuff.

I just don't know what I need to do to feel normal.

[Paul]

Hey sparkvark,

Thanks heaps for your reply, I know it was difficult to put into words and I hear you about certain interests/thoughts/wants being met with disapproval or disinterest. That really sucks, especially when it affects your friendships.

I hope we can work together to break through the disapproval and disinterest as I'd very much like to help you feel better and find that approval and spark.

I've got an idea. On the site there's a K10 checklist. This is a bit like a temperature check on how you're feeling. We could look at that and get a rough idea of how you're feeling. This is a legitimate checklist that is sometimes used by professionals as well. What i'm thinking is if we run through the list and see the result we can also use that to plan the next steps as well. Having difficulty working through things, especially fundamental things like gender can be part of depression, whether depression is making it difficult or long running difficulties have you feeling depressed, perhaps it's time to reexamine the depression part as well and mention that when you chat with someone at a gender centre.

From the menus, "The facts" - "anxiety and depression checklist (K10)"

The K10 is just a guide, but it will help us with the next steps.

Would you like to run through the checklist and let me know what the result is? (It's a short checklist)

I like your idea of taking gender thoughts and feelings and making it personally acceptable, that's an awesome approach.

I've found that when we come across things that are difficult to accept and can't be changed, if we look at the problem we are an inquisitive toddler holding something unfamiliar. They usually hold it at a bit of a distance and look at it from lots of angles. They will then run a few tests on it like feel it, squeeze it, shake it and then when they trust it a bit, bring it a bit closer so other senses can be used. This can happen really quickly or really slowly. My analogy here is that our minds work a bit like kids sometimes, so if we exploit that it helps us to keep the thought or feeling at a small distance so it can be examined without it affecting us straight away, we can then control how it affects us after we examine inquisitively and without judging it or ourselves. That mental and emotional distance helps a lot.

Let me know how you go with the K10 and also your thoughts on the above exercise (it takes some practice).

Till next time, take care.

Paul

[sparkvark]

Hi Paul,

Thanks for your post. I tried the K10 checklist and got a 23 Moderate. I’ve been feeling generally alright recently. I’ve been pretty stressed out about something in particular and it’s still doing my head in, but that’s been distracting me from any of the other stuff. Pleasantly surprised that there haven’t been any serious destructive thoughts for awhile other than those directly related to the stressful thing. I’m sure they’ll return in their own time but am not going to complain about the break from them.

I haven’t been remembering to use that exercise very often, but it seems like it could be helpful with a bit of
practice.

As far as next steps go, I'm not sure that there are any. The resources I've seen are tailored to people who need to medically transition and that's nowhere near where I'm at right now.

[Paul]

Hi sparkvark,

Thanks for doing the checklist - it can be a good starting point for a chat with your Dr about how you're feeling if you ever visit because you're feeling crappy.

Do you feel like talking about the thing that's getting you down at the moment?

Paul

[sparkvark]

Hi Paul,

Yeah I guess so.

No thanks, there's nothing to say about the other thing until it's over and done with.

[Paul]

Hi sparkvark,

I've been wondering how you are. Has the other thing settled down yet?

What else has been happening?

Something occurred to me, the gender centre(s) you mentioned who only seemed to want to deal with medical transition - that sounds like they weren't listening to you. Have you tried others?

I know a great therapist who might be able to help, or we could chat more here.

Paul

[sparkvark]

Hi Paul,

Thanks for your message.

Unfortunately the other thing isn't really going away any time soon, so there's plenty more of that to go.

I never got in touch with any gender centre, just looked at what information was available about them online and that's how it seemed.

Nah it's fine, there's nothing more for me to say and no mental space for it anyway with the other stuff going on.

Thanks anyway.

[Paul]

Hey sparkvark,

Thanks for getting back to me.

Don't forget there's the beyond blue 24 hour phone help available and we're always here to listen about anything without judgement.

Take care

Paul