Empty inside

[Kremit the Forg]

Hey all. I've always known i was born in the wrong body since childhood.

A repressive and emotionally abusive childhood prevented me exploring my gender.

I met gay woman whose acceptance of her sexuality triggered my courage to explore my gender.

I came out last year during lockdown as i had no where to go or people to reinforce my assumed gender. I had to confront my own thoughts and fully accept who i am.

I found a psychologist who specialises in LGBTQIA+ and was formally diagnosed with accute gender dysphoria.

I was referred to a specialist GP for women's and transgender health and was approved the same day for hormone treatment.

I then changed everything admin related early this year (same time as hormones started). Legal name change everywhere i could think of. Legal gender change through Medicare and my passport. Anywhere there is a name field or gender fields i changed it.

Gender bullying at my last job forced me to leave. I found a new job where i was accepted as my correct gender. It's going very well and is very confirming just about all of the time.

I'm just about always correctly gendered now most places i go.

But... Someone i was getting close to, who is non binary and lesbian suggested the only reason women like me back is because they are curious about the effect hormones have on MtF transition. That is I'm still a guy but with boobs now.

I've almost given up overnight and have been crying for two days now. I'm emotionally numb and empty inside. I'm seriously questioning my identity and I think I'm a fake and pretending. I'm suicidal again and have never been so low.

How can i bounce back?

[Sophie_M]

Hi Kremit the Forg, 

Welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing your story with us here. We hope you can find the support you are looking for here.

We are sorry to hear that these hurtful comments have caused you to question your identity and that you are feeling so numb and empty inside. This would have been such an awful thing to hear, especially from someone you were getting close to. We understand that you feel like giving up and are feeling so low and suicidal, but please know that you never have to go through this alone, and support is always here for you.

If you would like to talk to someone, the Beyond Blue Support Service is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

We also strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
 
We hope that you will find some comfort here on the forums. Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.

[Jo8049]

Hi Kermit , please pay attention to what Sophie M says xxx hugs .

You know who you are , when the world kicks it will be confusing and often very hurtful . We care , anonymous as we are , we are also very real . hugs .

Alone on your own at a time like this is not ideal and if there is any way you can have contact with peers that would be so very desirable .

I dont know your geographical location , I live in a place where my only trans friend is 500 km away . Its hard and I had a couple of allies but no trans friends for a long time . If you are in qld there is a regional pride group on fb and a post there could find some help or contacts .

I hope this helps a bit , confidence is fragile for us , thats ok as thats how it is , much love to you , please be safe ❤❤❤ ( I post in Transcendent Rainbow Cafe most days , come and chat xxxx )

Jo&LD ❤🐾💃🌈🌛💤☀🌠

[Kremit the Forg]

I didn't mention it before but just before my identity was kicked in the guts someone i was drawing close to romantically ceased all communication out of the blue. I since realised she was using me.

So you can imagine what that did my sense of confidence and self worth. Then my sense of identity was attacked a few days later.

My family won't talk to me. My mum won't accept me. She won't even say my name.

I have no friends at all and the people i share with who owe me their right to be in this country won't talk to me at all. They ignore me and slam doors and rush past me when they see me. This all started when i started my transition.

I have not even been able to share my transition struggles with another person.

I feel i have no support, no one who even cares if i exist or not. I can goes days without another person talking to me.

I've been crying up to ten times a day. I can't sleep, I'm losing weight. I still have thoughts of why bother being here multiple times daily. It takes what self worth i have left to keep going.

Empty and alone. Sorry to vent but at least I've got some of it out there.

[Sophie_M]

Dear KremittheForg

It sounds like things have been super rough for you, particularly after the transitioning process and you feel like friends and family have shut you out. That must be terribly isolating. Its almost no wonder youre feeling this way. It takes a lot of courage to reach out to our online community and we’re really glad that you have.

We want to remind you that all life is important, including yours and you have significant strength and deserve to live a happy life, not just survive.

We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you and we trust that our online members will stop by to provide some support. 

We want you to know that there is always extra immediate support available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

We have also reached out to you privately to see how we can support you and to also check in with you. Please check your inbox and reply.

We hope that you stay safe but strongly urge you that if you feel like acting on thoughts of ending your life, then this is an emergency and you should contact 000 immediately.
 
Keep checking back in with us whenever you need to.
 

[Kremit the Forg]

Thank you Sophie. You and everyone else at Beyond Blue are amazing. The most reassuring thing i needed to hear is that I'm not alone in all of this and there are people who care about me. Big hug from me. Thank you 😊

[Jo8049]

Kremit , hi , huge hugs for you .

As before , Sophie is so so right , and I implore you to take in all she says . Your life and journey are unique and so very valuable . Please do not underestimate the unmeasurable value you are to the world around you .

A great deal of my journey has been in total isolation and I get that . I live in a remote area but have done many things in my life but never fitted anywhere , till now . Buckets of tears to , still to this day xxxx hugs .

I was told about journaling by a lady on this forum , I took up writing a journal and sometimes not much ends up on the page , but other times my hand and pen do the work and much ends up on the page . When it is there things can look much clearer or different even . Good to refer back to .

I dont know where you are , but perhaps Sophie can help as she will know . Peer support / contact is something that I feel is imperative for us all at any time in our lives . On line is better than none to !

Hugest hugs and hang in there . I so so wish I could be of more help , xxxxx ❤❤❤❤

Jo ( Sophie if there is anything I can do pls contact me )

[Isabella_]

Hi there.

I hope you know that you are undeserving of the abusive and dismissive treatment from your work, family and friends. You are valid and worthy of love, and your identity is genuine. No one has the right to make you question whether the people that are interested in you are only "curious".

You can always find love and support here for whatever you're going through. Whether you need advice or to vent, this is a safe and judgement free space.

I'm ashamed in the people in this world who treat LGBTQIA+ communities with such indignity. It's disgusting and makes me furious that genuine people are treated with abuse for just being themselves. It's really amazing to hear that you now have an accepting workplace and that you are being gendered correctly in most places.

You mentioned that you've seen a psychologist, are you still in contact with them and receiving support? Do you have a safety plan you can turn to when you feel that your suicidal thoughts are returning? Have you considered talking to any LGBTQIA+ support groups, online or in person?

I hope you're doing better and taking care of yourself ❤️

[Kremit the Forg]

Heya Jo 8049 big hug back🤗

I've found that my transition in isolation has been mixed blessings.

The negatives are no feedback or support in those times when I needed some validation, inspiration, a shoulder to cry on or even some basic advice on things like buying a bra!

Thankyou Google hahahaha.

The positives I've found, that do outweigh the negatives by a lot are that it is, in the end, a very internal and private journey. A time of very deep introspection, exploration and formation of new feelings, emotions and learning who you are inside and meeting the new you daily in the mirror (still and endless source of giggles and surprise hehehe).

There's no external influence on who I was or am becoming (except hormones). No critics telling me who i should be, what it means to be a woman, no 'we as women' don't think that way or behave like that as if one or two members of a gender have the monopoly on the essence of womanhood. There's no right or wrong way to be you as told to you by another.

There's just me. And I'm unique and valid and beautiful all by myself!

But some help with bras would have been nice😋

[Kremit the Forg]

Thank you Isabella 🤗

The hurt I've endured has left some internal scars and that truly is a shame. The sweet and innocent me that started my transition is not the same person I am today.

I grieve for that loss and have cried many tears over it. And it's given me an understanding of what girls go through growing up. Which is essentially what I'm doing now.

So for that i am thankful. It has built up my strength and resilience. I'm not so innocent now to believe in inherent goodness of people in general but now i value so deeply the good people i do meet!

The shining lights that are people of understanding and openness are beacons of love and comfort💖

The first attacks on my identity were very painful but each new one now is less so. Each time i come back I'm more determined to stay true to myself. My self love does return bit by bit and is harder to take away.

I do have a psychologist and GP who are amazing women and I'm very grateful for them. I'm seeing one this week. Yay! I'm having an eostrodial pellet put in. Almost a years worth of slow release hormones😁