Depressed and angry

[Olly128]

I'm hoping for some advice. While I've come to terms with being gay I'm really struggling seeing my straight friends and gay friends all starting to partner off. While I've dated I feel like I've never found the right person and am always rejected by the kind of guy id like.

I feel this is stretching into my life where I'm constantly angry to the point where my friends no longer want to spend time with me as I'm so prone to snapping.

Does anyonw have suggestions for this I feel like to an extent it's self loathing and while I've seen a counsellor for my anxiety and depression I feel like I'm just going around in circles.

[White_Rose]

Dear Olly

Hello and welcome to the forum. Good to see you here.

While I cannot answer you from a gay perspective I can talk about dating and friendships in general. It can be hard when one set of events or circumstances in our lives impacts so much on other areas. Anxiety and depression can be major factors in how we see ourselves and how we get on with others. Being angry in those circumstances is normal. After all, who wants to be depressed and need to manage this as well as all the usual ups and downs of life.

Can I start with your counsellor. Have you been going there long and do you think it has been beneficial? I wonder if you have talked about your friendships and the desire to have a partner. Your comment about going round in circles rings true for me. I have found myself staying on one track when in therapy and not talking about all the other aspects of life. I get annoyed with myself and the therapist as we ride the same roller coaster without finding somewhere to get off and try another option.

Once I am upset it's very easy to be snappy with others when all you want is to be an ordinary person with ordinary needs and ambitions but find yourself pushing others away. It's a common occurrence in depression to push away the people who can best help because of our self consciousness and depression. Being with friends and family is an enormous help in getting rid of depression and there we go pushing them off. So why do we do this?

I'm not entirely sure about this but I do think we find it hard to relate to someone who has no idea about depression and how it makes us feel. The changes in mood, the fear of being judged as weak, medication, and a general feeling of being different all shape how we act so it doesn't take much to believe we are not valued as much as others. Of course our logical mind says this is not true but our emotions discount this because we 'know' how others feel about us. All this makes it difficult to relate to those we would like to get on good terms with and we can come across as being disagreeable.

I think it is our fears that mainly do this to us and it may be something you can take up with your counsellor. Perhaps discuss how you can really look at your emotional reactions and see through to a more likely scenario. Love to know what you think about this.

Mary

[Olly128]

Hi Mary,

Thanks so much for responding so quickly.

In regards to the therapist I have definitely gotten a lot out of it. The main reasoning for it was I was having panic attacks and was generally depressed around being gay.

We've come up with coping mechanisms and I've been significantly less anxious and able to get on top of attacks.

The gay stuff not so much and I'd guess a lot of it is due to my own expectations and views on gay men.

The most recent trigger was based one of my best mates going on a date with someone who had rejected me. It basically sent me into a frenzy and I then attacked a lot of my friends as I'm so sick of hearing there's someone for you, lower your standards, they're out there somewhere. It drives me mad as straight people don't seem to understand how hard gay dating is and that's when I attack them.

[Camellias]

Hi Olly128,

Its a pleasure to meet you.

Im glad to know you have a good supportive counsellor, that can possibly lead you back in the right direction where needed.

Its good to have friends who can support you regardless of your gender, or partner preferences.

Is like to think I could be a friend to all walks of life, regardless of their preferences or ways of living.

I hear you on going around in circles. Relationships, dating ... it’s never easy, especially when we want it so much.

It’s hard when we need to hear certain things, we need support certain ways and sometimes when people think they are helping, it can often lead us to more confusion.

it would be good if you were loved just as you are. You are who you are and there is nothing wrong with that. Love is love, I believe.

Do you have any animals for emotional support, during those hard times when your frustrated/upset?

What are some of your favourite things to do?

I hope you have something to smile about today.

🌺

[Birdy77]

Dear Olly,

It must have really hurt when one of your best mates went on a date with a guy who you felt rejected you. It would have felt very odd and maybe a bit like a betrayal?

I understand your feelings of frustration as you watch your friends, both gay and straight, pair off into couples.

I would like to counter what your friends suggest and say: do not lower your standards! Your standards are perfect, and you won't be happy if you do lower them and it wont be worth it.

It can be incredibly difficult finding your perfect fit in the gay dating scene, but hang in there. I'm not sure of your age, but I watched my friends pair off for ages before I found my special lady in my 30s. It was worth the wait, and I didn't lower my standards.

One of my best friends has just found his special man, and he just turned 40.

Don't despair.

I think I've focussed on an aspect of your post and not the crux of it, but I'm going to send this anyway.

You can talk things through here. You are amongst friends.

🌻birdy