Anxious about language surrounding sexuality... Help?

[Quercus]

Hi everyone,

Today I saw a news article (and I'm usually way out of the loop so most likely this is very old news) about the singer Sam Smith asking to be referred to as 'they or them' as they are considering a sex change.

It raised a feeling of anxiety in me that seems to come up all the time...

I couldn't care less about judging other people's sexual identity (that's their business just as mine is my own)... But I do care about hurting people's feelings and saying something unintentionally hurtful.

I grew up in rural WA and never met anyone who identified openly as anything but heterosexual until I went to the city for uni. At school one of the most commonly heard phrases at the time for something friends didn't like was "that's so gay". My family weren't intentionally discriminatory but I felt there was an expectation of what they felt was 'normal' (far out I hate that word).

Most of my life I have felt ignorant and I feel awkward and uncomfortable in conversations. I'm constantly feeling people feel judged by me and am unsure of how to improve this.

Which brings me to my question. Does anyone feels able to share experiences of things that felt welcoming and inclusive? How can I be more accepting and respectful without seeming patronising or ending up feeling like a total idiot?

Thanks in advance.

Nat

[White_Rose]

Hello Nat

This is an interesting topic. Thanks for raising it. It is uncomfortable to be not quite certain about what is going on or how to respond in a suitable manner. I think when we show a genuine enthusiasm and respect toward anything or anyone that message comes through even if the words are not quite right.

We all have our own views on just about everything and those views are shaped by our upbringing. Not much we can do about that until we start thinking about what we do understand and believe in. This is where we can demonstrate respect to the views of other people by being informed. I do wonder though if we can be informed on every topic. There are so many topics/shades of opinion/activities/beliefs that it is hard to be fully informed. There's nothing wrong in saying I don't know.

If the other person expects a fully informed reply no doubt they will be disappointed but I would hope they were accepting of your words. The reality is that we do not know everything about everything. Or at least I would be surprised if this were the case. I understand about hurting someone's feelings and I agree. The reality is when we offer our knowledge or belief it is always a risk the other person may not agree and may choose to be offended. And that's the point. We are not in charge of other people's feelings. All we can manage are our own thoughts and feelings and demonstrate respect in our conversations.

Perhaps this where we need to define our boundaries. What am I prepared to accept from others and what am I prepared to do to be polite and respectful. Once we make these decisions I think it becomes easier to hold various conversations. We need to be comfortable with the person we are now, give our views or say I don't know and let the other person decide how they feel.

I found this in a course I started a couple of months ago. All the others had already met and I felt very much the new kid. Would my comments be accepted or would they think I was stupid. What if I did not understand what everyone was talking about. Perhaps they will think I am a know-all if I offer my thoughts. Well it did not turn out like that. We did disagree on some things but it was the comments that they disagreed with, not me. I felt so at home once I realised this.

After all my words I come down to saying, we get on better when we are happy with ourselves and have a genuine interest in other people.

Mary

[Quercus]

As always Mary, thank you.

You've got this amazing ability to pick up on the heart of my problem nearly every time!

This made me stop and think for a good while...

We need to be comfortable with the person we are now, give our views or say I don't know

It makes sense. I'm not comfortable with who I am and am a people pleaser from way back. Perhaps this is my problem. I'm so worried about upsetting others that I have no idea what I feel sometimes. So I don't feel genuine.

Thank you for reminding me about considering intention. I forget sometimes that people aren't always judging me as harshly as I judge myself. It makes sense that people might accept that I meant well even if I did my usual foot in mouth thing.

I like reading your replies. Thank you Mary.

❤ nat

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Nat (and a wave to Mary)

Thanks for your post and for bringing this up; this is actually something that's been on my mind a fair bit.

I agree with Mary. While I'm not really the audience you're looking for with this post, I think that it comes down to intentions and respect. Do I care enough about this person to try and use their preferred pronouns? Am I able to own my mistakes if I've upset them even if unintentionally? Am I willing to be open to things I don't fully understand? Am I willing to advocate and try and call things out (like racism) when I see it? Can I even recognise my own privilege? For me, the answer is yes - and I think that's enough.

I read a list of gender identities and I think there might have been 50 on that page. I won't remember them all, but I don't think there's an expectation that I should. Honestly I'll never be able to keep up with the forever changing language, but I'm always going to do my best.

If you feel like you are ignorant, you can learn! But for what it's worth - you do care, you mean well and I think that's the most important thing.

RT

[Quercus]

Hi RT and thanks for your input, it is very helpful too.

As to not being the audience of this thread please don't worry. I have gotten a lot from your reply and Mary's.

Wow... 50 gender identities!?! You're serious? My goodness that is a bit overwhelming.

I suppose I'll just stick with asking in my usual awkward, blurt it out way and hope for understanding.

[Guest_9043]

Hi Nat,

How wonderful of you to even ask and take an interest. I can help a bit here hopefully.

I am Non Binary. Born Female, staying Female. For many years I identified as a Lesbian. That does not work for me anymore. I've had to re explore. In short I engage with both male and female aspects of myself.

It's very difficult. I dress more like a male because it's what I feel comfortable wearing. On a certain day I may feel like wearing a singlet maybe (a bit girly for me) but I do like singlets.

I engage personality wise with both sexes within myself without the male ego and bravado attached and engage with the feminine aspects of tenderness, compassion, love and so on. It's harder than it sounds and it's taken me a very long time to get to this point for me.

As for what I'm called. Depending on who I'm around I sometimes prefer him and sometimes if that's too hard I like to be referred to as they. They because I'm two sexes in one body.

I could say heaps more but will leave it at that.

Lee.

[Quercus]

Hi Lee,

Thank you so much for sharing your experience and thoughts!

It was both fascinating and confusing to read how you feel about your identity. I suspect it is confusing because I can't relate from experience.

You mentioned having days you feel feminine and days you do not. I found it confusing because I feel like that very often although I identity as heterosexual.

Is it ok if I ask if it bothers you if people ask what terms to use?

Thanks again. It was so helpful to read your post.

Nat

[Guest_9043]

Hi Nat,

The question you asked I cannot answer because I do not know yet. I have only just begun by journey as Non Binary. I really dislike labels a lot but there you have it anyway.

As for your confusion around feeling like both sexes if you feel like doing it you can research the divine feminine and divine masculine.

In truth we are all both sexes. That's fact. We may be born Female it does not mean we have no masculine in us. We may be born male it does not mean we do not have no feminine in us. Society has tripped this all up really. It's no secret. It is not hidden. It's just conformity. If you are male you must "act like a male",if you are female you must "act like a female" I don't do conformity. If you don't like me then bugger off really cause I do not seek approval.

That's me though. Being me has not been inconsequential but I'm away from the people who cannot support me because of their own demons. Not my monkey not my circus. Good luck to them.

[eight]

that “I found it confusing because I feel like that very often”, there’s a word for that - gender non-conforming. word for the way you present and gnc doesn’t exactly imply you’re lgbt - you can be gnc even if you’re cis or het

(some subcultures have different words n roles like this but they usually have a lot of history and implications; don’t call yourself butch if you’re not a lesbian, don’t say you’re a twink if you’re not a gay man, etc)

(maybe i’m being a lot more technical than lee. me n them are very different people when it comes to gender and spirituality i’m realising)

also the thought of someone asking what terms you use really depends on what non-binary person you’re talking about: its okay for me to explain yeag im an nb lesb and just use nything, she/he/they but you might know a diff nonbinary person who hates having to explain themselves over and over. its a varied-ass bunch.

what i know is try to take a hint, if its an online space see if they have anything up discussing their gender or how they’d like to be preferred, asking politely goes a long way rather than being passive-aggresive about their identity. (that isn’t vaguing u or anything i think you’ve been carrrying yourself well!! i’ve just seen many a cis person getting all uptight over an nb person and being upset when they’re rightfully blown off. just Be Kind)

[Guest_9043]

Hi eight,

Thanks for providing further information around this for other folk. I obviously know exactly what you are saying,however it helps folk to have a bit more understanding and it's nice to see people taking a genuine interest in this for a change.

I'm not one to get too deep into technicalities of it all so I'm grateful you have further explained here very well.