Advice Or Opinions Please - Should I Tell My Wife I'm Exploring Bi/Gay Contact.

[Curious_Kiwozzie]

Hi,

I am a 46 year old man.

I'm happily married to my wife, we've been together for 21years. She's the mother of our 3 adult kids, she's my best friend, she's my rock and she really is the love of my life.

I still find my wife very attractive and I love her deeply. We don't have sex very often, barely once every couple of months, I'm just not interested, I think because I have "performance issues" sometimes.

For around the last 15 years, at times, I have desired and fantasized about being intimate with another man. My wife doesn't know this, I don't think she'd take it well.

I have only recently decided to explore these urges in a safe, discrete way. I've had one encounter with a man, we didn't do everything I'd like to try, but we both enjoyed it, even though my "performance issues" made an appearance.

I've decided to search for a partnered gay man or couple to explore with safely, on a regular basis, although I'm still not 100% sure if I'm really into other men sexually, or if it is just curiosity and fantasy, and that once I've done it I won't want to do it again.

I feel guilty doing this behind my wifes back, but male intimacy is something that she obviously can't provide and I feel it's something I need to explore, for me.

I don't know if I should talk about this with her. I don't plan on starting a relationship, just to explore "getting off" with another man.

I don't want to lose everything we've built together, or the plans for our future.

Is it wrong for me to not tell her, keep it a secret and once I've "scratched the itch", go on as if nothing has happened?

[Quercus]

Hi Kiwiozzie,

Appreciation always feels nice but really I think you already knew and just needed a nudge.

We are all human. We're allowed to stuff up sometimes. But part of me wonders is this a stuff up for you? Or something you feel you need?

Your sexuality is what it is. If you are bisexual it is probably an issue your wife needs to know about because it isn't going to just be wished away. I can't wish myself attracted to women... It just doesn't work that way I suppose.

Do you worry you'll resent your wife one day if you keep your sexuality a secret?

Discussing the infidelity is 100% your call. I can see why you would be reluctant.

What about asking your wife about fantasties and fetishes? There are lists you can download that suggest pretty much everything. I printed one once for my husband and it was surprising for both of us to see what sort of things were yes, nos and maybes. We made it a bit of a game who can shock the other more. For example if he looked embarressed I would show him an option I was embarrassed about so he didn't feel so vulnerable. It was as a couple one of the best things we have done.

It might give you an idea of the kind of reception your wife would give you regarding your curiousity. You don't know unless you ask. Maybe she would agree.

I hope you can find a way to make this work because it shows clearly that your wife is very important to you.

Nat

[geoff]

Hi Kiwiozzie, thanks for your reply and you do love your wife so maybe there are some other options the two of can think about.

A 21 year old marriage means the two of you have been through so much together, both good and disappointing, but you're still together and love each other, so that means the world. Geoff.

[marcus_c]

Hi Curious, it sounds like a good idea to keep the temptation (apps) at bay while you're figuring things out for yourself. Your one encounter, while you're not proud of it, has given you a lot to think about.

I agree with Quercus that this probably isn't the end of the road. There's so much guilt and shame attached to same-sex attraction and contact in the first place, which is why many men don't realise these feelings until they're older. Please don't be too hard on yourself. I would hate to see you push all these feelings back into the closet only to have them come out in the form of resenting your wife years down the track. What do you think?

[Ruby__2]

Hi and welcome.After much distress my husband of 32yrs has admitted to me that he is bi/gay.but of respect for me he stopped trying to engage sex with me.We are now in the process of divorcing amicably. I care enough to wish him to live a true life and to be content.He is still suffering immense guilt but is seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist to help him adjust.I still love him and wish to remain friends as does he.I believe if your love for each other is based on friendship you will survive. Love doesn't judge. Initially your wife may grieve for your marriage but you owe it to yourself to live a life of honesty. Otherwise I see nothing but heartache and distress for you.A psychologist will be able to point you in the right direction and help your wife adjust as well.Life is not a dress rehearsal-go live it with honesty and those that matter will respect you for it. I wish you strength and faith that while you may have a difficult road ahead you are not alone.I am always here if you need help on how to approach your wife.it wasn't the fact my husband was gay,it was the infidelity that hurt. We still remain committed to each other.You need to come clean for your own mental health.All the best for this new stage in your life.

Ruby

[AndyR]

Hi Curious

Just come across your post and subsequent thread.

To be bluntly honest (which you say you like) I grew increasingly sad with how the conversation went. So my two bobs worth. Ruby2 is spot on in her statement: You need to come clean for your own mental health.

That's not about the infidelity (to use a term I find a bit judgemental) it's about your long held fantasy and desire about your attraction to intimacy with another man. That's the bit I think you need to come clean on to yourself more than your wife or anyone else. It's been present as an elephant in the room of your life for fifteen years - that's a third of your life. Will it go away? Can you, by closing down the tempting apps, cutting off possible contacts, and calling yourself an idiot, really ignore that elephant? Will it really go away or still sit in the corner with long term implications for your metal and emotional well-being? And for the well-being of someone you love?

My sense here is coming clean doesn't necessarily involve a conversation with your wife as the first step. What about a counselor/psychologist as a way of exploring all you've raised here in a safe non-judging environment that allows you to understand for you what this all means both now and for your future life. You are still relatively young, there is a lot of life to live yet. Closing yourself down with the comment "I knew I was being an idiot" strikes me as harsh self-talk. You weren't an idiot, you were a human who made a questionable choice. That's all. What concerns me is how it could manifest in the future, given the desire has been there for a long time. It is a big thing with large ramifications so supportive advice/assistance will give you a safety net as you gain clarity. Please go get some.

That's my two bobs worth.