40, male and questioning if I'm actually gay after all???

[Grant1]

Hi there,

I've always identified as gay but, at 28 I had the first idea that that might not have been the case. It's never felt quite right being with Men. I've had fantasies about being with Women but for many reasons, have never had the courage to pursue Women. I think it's fear of rejection/humiliation and of the unknown.

I've buried my head in the sand for many years. I've had long periods of time not dating at all, eventually going back to sleeping with/dating Men. It's familiar. After 5 years of being single I got back on the dating scene this year. I dated a Woman briefly, but there was no connection. I have also dated a couple of guys since then. These experiences haven't been particularly enjoyable.

I can't keep ignoring the issue and can not be with Men anymore, it just doesn't feel right.

A lot has changed in my world in the second half of my 30s. I'm much happier in myself, have discovered a comfort/authenticity within myself as a Man that was missing earlier in life. I'm settled in my own home and my career is going very well. My self-esteem is in the best shape it ever has been and I'm generally happy.

The last piece of the puzzle is working out this sexuality conundrum.

I know what I need to do and that is date more Women but, it's difficult at my age to face a different dating world if that makes sense?

There aren't many out there that seem to have had this question, it always seems to be the opposite way around, straight then realise they're gay. Close friends and family know that this has been issue for me for some time but don't know how to help.

I have sought help before but the minute they hear 'gay' they immediately go down the avenue of getting me to accept being gay. They don't get it! I would happily be gay if that was undoubtedly my way but, I really don't think it is.

Any help from others that may be experiencing a similar issue or guidance to a professional that can help me navigate my way through this would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,

Grant.

[Guest_128]

Hey Grant,

You dude are about to get a whole lot of advice,

Here is mine,

At 40 I couldn't give a rats about your past,gay whatever!!!!!!!!

Do the things you love in life, I don't think you need to decide on what ice cream you want.

You will meet someone, you will know.

Sounds like you have. Grown a lot , work on that ya mate either way is just around the corner, you are not alone with this,we all want the same.

Dory

[white knight]

Hi Grant, welcome

Im a 61yo hetrosexual male but even I can identify with your problem. Its certainly nothing to be worried about more like it should be viewed by you as a journey.

Maybe the LBGTI thread on this forum will shead some light?

i wish you all the best

TonyWK

[Unbeliever]

Read your post, interesting.

I wasn't sure whether to respond or not as I don't have any direct experience in what you are talking about, but I am unusual in perspective so just in case it's interesting I thought I'd throw in my 2 cents in.

I never really got why people were so obsessive and judgemental about other peoples sexual preferences.

People always say "It's not what is on the outside that counts, it's what is on the inside"... but those same people would criticise gay people. It always seemed so blatantly disingenuous.

Although I've never been interested in men (to be honest I've always struggled to understand why women liked men at all when they could be with other women)... the people that always made the most sense to me were bi-sexual people because they were the perfect example of "it is what is on the inside that counts".

Bi-sexual people actually did fall in love with the PERSON regardless of the body. That always made perfect sense to me. While everyone elses attitude (including my own) always seemed fundamentally flawed.

In your case I guess you just have not met the right person at the right time yet. Which puts you in the same catagory as myself and a fair few million others.

Just hang out with people you like, spend time with people that make you happy to spend time with and if with one of those people something "clicks", consider pursuing something more intimate... see how it goes.

The thing is, you already possess something that a lot of single people don't already have. Confidence in your own skin, and people are drawn to this characteristic without you having to put forth any real effort.

Chances are that one of these people will be what what you have been looking for.

Not really advice I realise. It is just what came to my mind when I read your post.

Regardless, I hope things work out for you.

[Just Sara]

Hi and a huge LGBTI welcome hun!

I must say it's refreshing to see someone writing about not having a life of trauma, but I do 'confusion' as well so you're in luck! 🙂

I'm Sara, (Sez for short) a mature bi woman and volunteer community champ for BeyondBlue forum. Lovely to meet you Grant.

It seems mid life crisis has hit with a vengeance hey? One thing you haven't mentioned is children. I'm wondering if this has any bearing on your situation. Mind you it's not to confuse you anymore than is present; it's just an observation.

Re friends/family; people try to appease or make you feel better because they feel helpless in the face of a loved one's unanswerable questions. You and your family sound beautiful.

You have a wonderful life Grant so this hiccup is throwing things out of balance; life's like that. I'm not going to go into the spectrum of sexuality/gender fluidity because I'd rather give practical advice first.

Please look up a 'Sex Therapist' in your area. I used to travel 2 and 1/2 hrs to see mine. They are in one word...amazing!

Professional, non judgemental, balanced, unknown to you and intent on helping you get onto the next phase of your life. The one I saw was $65 an hr (4 yrs ago) and provided a caring yet no-nonsense approach to 'me'.

As there are no mental health issues (you've disclosed) focus will be on the issue at hand. I really do hope you pursue this avenue of support as it's the best way to unravel a changing sexuality mindset.

What you've expressed is totally normal and very important. Congratulations for seeking support and being brave enough to express your confusion, it really does take guts. Kudos!

Please let us know how you're going and what direction your crossroad takes. I for one would love to hear the next chapter of your journey.

Warm thoughts;

Sez x

[Grant1]

Hi Sez,

Thank you for your words of advice and understanding.

Mid-life has surely hit with a vengeance! Well, actually it's finally brought this to a point where I can no longer bury my head in the sand.

Becoming a parent has been a topic I've mulled over for the last few years, and whilst it would be an amazing experience to become a parent, it's not a must for me.

This question of where I sit on the sexuality spectrum has caused much confusion and paralysis over the years. I've had up to 5 years at a time where I've not dated or had sex with anyone as I had just shut that part of myself down. It was easier that way.

I have decided now that it's time to move on this, ready or not. When will one ever be ready for anything?

I hadn't thought of seeing a sex therapist actually. I had seen a counsellor and a psychologist when I was younger which helped me sort through some other matters but couldn't really help me navigate this one. I will definitely look into that.

Thank you again.

I'll check back in soon 😊

[Grant1]

Hi Dory,

Thanks, you're right.

It's time to possibly let go of being so preoccupied with this question and enjoy life, let it happen as it will 😊

[Grant1]

Hi Tony,

Thanks mate, I appreciate it.

It's a journey, that's for sure!

Cheers.

[Grant1]

Hi Unbeliever,

Thanks for your perspective.

Bisexuality just makes sense in a way. It's about a person not so much the gender.

I'm like you in the sense that I don't get why people need to know where you sit on the gay/straight spectrum to be able to understand/categorise you. Surely there is more to understanding a person than which gender they prefer to have sex with.

[Guest_128]

I am happy we have found you some peace,

hang about your branded here now.

Dory😂