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Yelling

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion
Many here know I'm estranged from my 89yo mother and have been for 9 years. I have zero desire to reconcile.

Apart from her narcissism, she had a propensity to yell. A few years ago I decided, as part of my boundaries for others, that I wouldn't tolerate being yelled at. That's all well and good however, how to police it?

My sister a few years ago began to yell during a disagreement. The story was we both attended a birthday party and upon leaving I was allowed to take some cake home. Upon arriving at home I put the cake in our freezer. My sister immediately believed I was keeping it from her and took offence. I sensed something amiss and two days later rang her to discuss what was on her mind. She started yelling claiming I was inconsiderate. I remained calm so she would calm also but she didn't. The impasse only finished when I asked a question- "whos cake was it" and "why didn't you bring your own"

Another arguments came with her last Thursday. Without going into detail instead of remaining calm once she began yelling I yelled back over the phone. This also had limited success .

Imo yelling is abuse. I want a yell free life as my anxiety returns in a yelling environment.

My sister and I are talking but yelling has now made me wary of any future close relationship.

Is it unrealistic to enforce a "no yelling" personal policy?
7 Replies 7

Ggrand
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Tony...

I wish it was possible but unfortunately I think it isn’t...We can’t control the volume nor the tone of people’s voices..

A few weeks ago..I mentioned something to my boss which he was doing and was so wrong...An hour later he called me into his office...telling me that my opion isn’t valued..in a tone of voice which told me he holding back from yelling...

I apologised, and said..so you want me to do what you’ve been doing...(throwing out new and second hand donations of toys, make up, brick a brac....Then he started yelling at me...That done it for me..I could feel my eyes start stinging from trying to control my tears....shaking because yelling scares me and I get very frightened of the person doing the yelling....After he finished..I grabbed my bag and not being back...

In my opinion.....Doesn’t matter what anyone has to say to another person their is no need to yell...I think people yelling at someone else....is trying to intimidate them to do what they want them to do.....kind of a power trip for them...Scare them into submission maybe...

Tony...it would be a much better world if everyone respected each other....that is a wish that’ll never come true...because it’s not in our power to control how they speak...

Grandy..

Juliet_84
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor
I personally think that you are well within your rights to set whatever boundaries it is that you feel comfortable with. Like you, I don’t take kindly to being yelled at and realistically have a yell proof policy although it hasn’t always worked. My sentiment is, don’t tell, improve your argument. This phrase can sometimes work as it can embarrass someone sufficiently to diffuse the situation, but not always. Some people are this way and have very little likelihood of changing due to the institution of a policy, although you then have a right to police it by questioning whether you still want these people in your life. Like all policies, not only do you need to develop it but you need to enforce it, otherwise people won’t take it seriously. That’s my take on the situation, and I commend you for your commitment to make the world a calmer kinder place

quirkywords
Community Champion
Community Champion

Tony,

I think you are entitled to a yell free chat.

The thing is one persons yelling is another’s talking. I get excited sometimes and I have a loud voice so I try to be calm and make my voice softer.

I can see how yelling would make you feel uncomfortable.

I don’t like people shouting at me either , so try talking very quietly when another is loud or yelling,

once again a thought provoking thread

Thankyou for your replies.

In another thread

Google

Beyondblue topic the definition of abuse

My main thrust was that if someone feels abused then it is abuse and abusers should learn to know when their behaviour is taken as abuse.

My sister and I have been close but she displays some traits if our mother that I'm finding intolerable. Yelling is the major one. Our disputes only occur on average every 3-4 years but even that is uncomfortable in the extreme.

Quirky I've tried the calm talk method but she likes to dominate. She too has bipolar!. I think next time I'll try that again and calmly ask her to talk quieter.

TonyWK

Ohhh do l know all about this one. My gf is Portuguese/Russian and it's funny our convos go up and down all the time , and l'm half French which probably dosn't help either. But ours are just convos it's not anger or anything and l really love the way her volume and passion goes up and down.

Some of my 6 sisters on the other hand , sound like yours , either getting worked or just neurotic especially on the phone. l live 3 hrs away though so touching base by phones the best way. Last few yrs though l've just about given up and asked myself many times why am l bother. 2 of the three l've sworn to myself 3 or 4 times l'll never call again or answer . Like you sometimes l'll also end up yelling back too but l've usually tried like hell to passivefy the situation first . l don't think they have any idea how bad they are.

One l've given up , on a good day is quite good but that's rare. Another l swore to myself last time never again . The other l rarely call anymore , she can actually be great to talk to too but she also has her other side and if she doesn't agree with one thing , boom. She'd be the most unaware person l've ever met l think.

l don't think there's anything at all wrong with you not bothering if they're like that, especially if you have the pleasure of them knowing why you don't.

rx

Thankyou rx, it's good to get other perspectives of their own yelling siblings.

Being the youngest sibling my sister never offers an olive branch, it's always me that has to ring to patch things up. Even though that takes a lot of guts, I still get yelled at.

I think post Xmas I'll drift away. Self preservation rx as you well know, is a priority

TonyWK

Yeah it sure is Tony. A counselor said to me once, well why do you even call them then ? Thing is for me though it's well they're my family, shouldn't l call them ? But the last few yrs l'v thought nopee , not if it's gonna be like that l shouldn't.

Personally l def' don't risk ruining Christmas if it's going to be via phone anymore , been there. Having my whole spirit and mood just blown out of the water just isn't worth it .

Take care. rx