Worried about daughter's relationship

[beety]

Hi all.

My 25 year old daughter has been with her Bf since they left high school. He's a nice lad but he has issues. The pair of them have constantly been on and off in their relationship, with him always hurting her by ending it because he doesn't want to commit to the relationship. He is quite controlling and gets upset when she doesn't put him first. They have isolated themselves and neither of them have many physical local friends, they just have each other. When they are apart, she becomes her bubbly self again. When they are together I hardly hear from her. Long story short, they split up again recently and I had the same conversation with her about needing to set herself boundaries, put herself first, stop isolating herself from her friends because of him and to stop putting him first over everything and everyone else. Every time I have this conversation with her, she listens, gets it, then as soon as he gets lonely, one phone call and she is back with him again. She is addicted to this relationship. Ive been very supportive of them both in the past but now I am done. She has just messaged me to say they are back together again because he now realises that he has been an idiot and misses her and now wants to commit to marriage etc. I haven't replied yet, because I am so angry she has fallen for this crap once again. I don't know whether to just ignore this message, be polite and not say anything - silence says a lot right? or do I have it completely out with her and tell her exactly what is what at the risk of loosing her. They are both good kids really but they are terrible for each other. It's not just me that sees this, my husband and my daughters Dad see this too. advice would be great. Thanks. 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

We are lived experience advisors. One of my many experiences involves my first long term relationship from age 21 to 27yo. That lady had severe mental issues and sadly would write a note while I was at work saying she'd gone back to her mothers place to live. Then, madly in love with her, I'd ring her and it wouldnt take much and she'd return. The notes left were almost weekly throughout the whole 6 years. So I think I'm qualified hey? Sometimes I'd return to live with my parents and they were going through your situation.

My advice- This love affair between your daughter and her BF will need to take its course. All you will do is ruin your family if you place pressure on her or him. She's an adult but the love intensity is huge- in fact it's uncontrollable, if she is pressured she likely will sever her relationship with her family to continue this on/off love affair.

In this situation logic doesnt present itself. Towards any end of it will come a burn out in her (or him) that it will dawn on her that it isnt going to work in the long term. 

In my case, my parents were old fashioned. My dad sat my down when I was 23yo and told me that I should be seeking a lady that wanted children in the next couple of years and he didnt think the lady I was in love with was suitable. There was no way I could break off with her and I told him that. However, after 5 years I decided to tell her that she had 12 months to make up her mind. The 12 months came and I had to walk out the door. 4 months later I bumped into her and asked if she had a BF. She did. I asked her if she'd left notes for him the same as she left me. She had. Clearly she as psychiatrically unwell and couldnt face the partner to discuss issues. But when I was in love- nothing would sway my commitment.

I wish you well and it wont be easy to restrain yourself, however supporting her as her family for when she needs you should IMO be your priority. By remaining silent it will hurt her and be counter productive. At the end of the day it's her decision. Better to pick up the pieces of her when its all over than her feel isolated. As I said this is not a controlled situation for her. Also you're concerned and that is showing what a loving mother you are.

One of the greatest messages from a parent- "It's your decision darling, we can only be supportive of you because we care, I'm here to talk anytime"

Reply anytime, I'm here daily

TonyWK