Wife, partner and mother of my kids is an alcoholic

[emdan]

I thought I'd write this, to reach out, and also maybe someone else has similar issues that this might help.

 My wife and I are early 40's, and we have two beautiful little kids, in many ways our life is pretty damn good.  Except my wife has a major alcohol addiction and has been struggling for years to get it under control, and we're not there yet.

Alcoholism is one of the trickiest beasts I've ever come across, it's something thats accepted by Aussie society, almost jokingly in the media, yet its soul destroying for the victims... both her, me, our family, and everyone around.  It's almost a true definition of 'evil'.

My kids are still too young to realise what's going on with mum.. which breaks your heart that one day they will realise that things are not right.

She puts the kids at risk, drinking during the day, and driving them to activities.  Some days I wish she would be stopped by the booze bus.. but it hasn't happened.  You wonder if she doesn't wish she be stopped as well, surely she knows its only a matter of time.  If she is stopped, her "perfect" life will fall apart, she'll lose her job as well.

I know she struggles with her head, the thoughts, the anxiety.. like we all do.. but she reaches for the bottle as a solution.. which is really a terrible solution.

I wonder if alcoholism isn't just a kind of slow suicide... the alcoholic knows its killing them, but they keep going.

I feel like a husband, a father, a provider, and also a carer for a very sick person, who doesn't realise how sick they are, doesn't appreciate the care they receive, and will keep on getting worse.

The person I married was not like this, so it's a loss as well.  A loss of the person I married, the family we started, the future we had planned... all too a crap bottle of cheap vodka.

In the meanwhile, I'll keep turning up, keep caring, keep hoping, for the kids...

[PrometheusAus]

I first read these post back in January 2018. This was my wife’s first stint in rehab.

I knew she had had a problem for a long time. I would find empty bottles in her hand bag, in the washing basket. She would even say she wanted to sleep with one of the kids and I would later (after months) find empty bottles in the child’s wardrobe. Empty Water glasses next to the bed don’t smell like water.

After rehab she admitted it had been going on for most days for over 12 months. This blew me away. I knew she drank but never to this extent. She would always deny it. The trust had gone and the relationship was toxic. After rehab it was like night and day. The person I loved was still there.

The best analogy I read was the Dr Jekyll and mr Hyde.

I thought after rehab she has admitted it we can move forward. It did not take long for old habits to set in. Trust was quickly gone and she got better at hiding it. Eventually she was leaving to her parents house more and more regularly. Weather I told her to leave or she just wanted to. Some times with the kids, some times one or two only. Mostly on her own. Everything is always my fault. Her drinking, global warming you name it it’s on me.

I would find her there drunk too. I confronted her father for allowing it under his roof. His reply was He never saw her with a drink in her hand only drunk. And I knew it wan not his fault. This is how it had been for me for years now.

The periods she spent away got longer, I adjusted work to be there more for the kids. Then she would come back and we would try again. This went on for a long time.

recently in June 2019 I said that is it no more. You cannot come back. I’m not going to stop you seeing the kids but as for us we are done. A week passed and she begged to come back. I won’t be a pest anymore. By this stage I don’t know if she’s drinking of the years of abuse have just affected her so she’s always verbally argumentative with me. I took her back. It was good for a week. Now there’s an allegation of domestic violence. I spent two days incarcerated.

Bail conditions are to stay away from her and the kids they are witnesses...

the police really have hard ons for the domestic violence.

I still love her, we have beautiful children together those closest to me ask when am I going to cut my losses? Others don’t believe my story. Unknown to me she has been telling people I am abusive.

let this be a warning to other to learn from my mistakes.

[geoff]

Hello PrometheusAus, I can well and truly understand what you have told us and can accept that this could absolutely happen, unfortunately, it's the grog that has control over her and eventually there will be a time when she isn't able to justify what has been said.

An alcoholic isn't capable of covering their own tracks, live in denial believing they have their drinking under control.

People don’t realize that they rely on alcohol to feel normal and are unable to hide this from the people closest to them, I'm very sorry for you.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[quirkywords]

PrometheusAus

That is so sad what has happened to you and I don’t think you made mistakes but that you kept loving your wife and trusting things would improve.

I do hope you have support for yourself.

Quirky

[Blackboy]

I can relate to so many of the posts in this thread. My wife is an alcoholic with very low self-esteem; she was high-functioning and held down a prestigious, well-paid job for many years, but retired in 2017 and since then has gone downhill, especially in the last 12 months. There is no way she could hold down a job now. She has been to numerous rehabs and while she is there she is fine; she is also fine when we are on holiday. She seems to have everything going for her - financially we are fine, our health is OK (she is 61 and I am 67), we have a lovely house, she has good friends. None of this stops her drinking. She's gone to many AA meetings without result. She used to only drink in the evenings but now she wants it at all times of day. She has been sneaking it into the house and hiding it. She tells me many lies about where she is going and I have trusted her, but my trust has been broken so many times that it has gone now, and I have taken away her money and credit card. Even then she found ways to get hold of money in the last week, and is very angry with me for being "controlling". In her sober times she understands the issue and she is extremely lovable, kind and caring (as somebody else here said, it's a real Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde situation - you would not believe, on seeing one side of her, that the other side exists). Or else she sinks into depression and just wants to sleep all the time.

She has had to be taken to hospital by ambulance on several occasions; her blood alcohol reading was over .4 on at least 2 of these. A couple of weeks ago she went missing and I had to go to the police; eventually she was found. A week ago she collapsed in her psychiatrist's office.

I love her very much but I can't stand living like this any longer. I do everything I can to help her but nothing seems to work. I am in a constant state of anxiety as to what will happen to her. She needs some permanent solution - some kind of place where qualified people can care for her. Does anybody know of such a place or how to find one? I can't keep on going like this.

I've posted about this in the Carers Forum, too.

[JGS]

Hi there,

All these stories are similar to mine. Its just unbelievable. Everything is my fault. Everything. I dont know what the future holds for me and my innocent kids. But i know i want to feel joy and be happy.