Wife, partner and mother of my kids is an alcoholic

[emdan]

I thought I'd write this, to reach out, and also maybe someone else has similar issues that this might help.

 My wife and I are early 40's, and we have two beautiful little kids, in many ways our life is pretty damn good.  Except my wife has a major alcohol addiction and has been struggling for years to get it under control, and we're not there yet.

Alcoholism is one of the trickiest beasts I've ever come across, it's something thats accepted by Aussie society, almost jokingly in the media, yet its soul destroying for the victims... both her, me, our family, and everyone around.  It's almost a true definition of 'evil'.

My kids are still too young to realise what's going on with mum.. which breaks your heart that one day they will realise that things are not right.

She puts the kids at risk, drinking during the day, and driving them to activities.  Some days I wish she would be stopped by the booze bus.. but it hasn't happened.  You wonder if she doesn't wish she be stopped as well, surely she knows its only a matter of time.  If she is stopped, her "perfect" life will fall apart, she'll lose her job as well.

I know she struggles with her head, the thoughts, the anxiety.. like we all do.. but she reaches for the bottle as a solution.. which is really a terrible solution.

I wonder if alcoholism isn't just a kind of slow suicide... the alcoholic knows its killing them, but they keep going.

I feel like a husband, a father, a provider, and also a carer for a very sick person, who doesn't realise how sick they are, doesn't appreciate the care they receive, and will keep on getting worse.

The person I married was not like this, so it's a loss as well.  A loss of the person I married, the family we started, the future we had planned... all too a crap bottle of cheap vodka.

In the meanwhile, I'll keep turning up, keep caring, keep hoping, for the kids...

[geoff]

hi Brenden, well this situation is quite critical in that if she is denial at times or even to admitting that she is an alcoholic and sneaking her alcohol in, means that she is desperate for her addiction.
I have to tell you before I continue on just like Pat has said about himself, that I was an alcoholic when I was depressed, but not any longer as I can drink socially only, because there are too many medical problems that would happen if I drank all day and in quantity, so that's out of the way.
The many discussions that the both of you would have had would only end in fighting or by her lying and that's why she sneaks it in and probably hides it away, but no one can disguise when they have been drinking, it shows by what they say or even the smell is just so obvious, and by her drinking affects what her jobs she has to do at home, aren't done.
It would be embarrassing if your twins wanted to bring friends home as well as your 17 year old, plus the fact that if she picks up the kids after school is dangerous, plus the fact that money you may have inyour wallet or the kids piggy bank will be pinched so that she can buy her grog.
Pat has mentioned a good program, Al-Anon, which would be able to help your kids talk about how they feel and what they actually want to happen and suggest that you could ring them.
Until she realises what she has then nothing else will help her, and even if she goes to alcohol rehab to dry out can only be done if that's what she really wants, unfortunately she has to decide she wants to give it away, because all the arguments you have with her will mean nothing, just create more anxiety for yourself.
5 years is a long time for you to have to put up with her drinking and your kids must be so sick of her wanting money and tired of seeing her like this.
If you tell her to leave do you know where she will go, perhaps the Salvos maybe able to help you, because all your trust with her has all gone.
I would talk to your doctor, he/she may know of somewhere she can move to but you have to look at what you and children want to happen, and if that means to move out then that's the decision you have to make.
Please keep in touch with us. Geoff.

[rcxx77]

Hello,
My name is Rebecca and I am from an Australian documentary program. I would like to speak to anyone who has an alcoholic partner or has an alcohol problem urgently. If you could provide an email, I can let you know more details of what I am hoping you can help with. Many thanks, Rebecca.

[Hzilla]

Hi, reaching out for some advice as at wits end dealing with a partner that has no self control with alcohol and behavioural changes that come about because of. There have been many heart to heart chats re dealing with the issue but unfortunately it has reached a point where children are being neglected. Im away working at moment mon-fri and am lost as to which way to turn. Tonight our 3 yr old is staying with friends and I feel useless! Does anyone know of advice available in Brisbane.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Hzilla, we can't give recommendations for service providers here on the forums, but you can give our support service a call on 1300 22 4636.

[pipsy]

Hi emdan. You are in an awkward situation with an alcoholic wife. You've had heaps of replies some saying to report your wife as a 'drunk driver'. While I tend to agree pretty much with these replies, I'd like to add my 2 cents worth, if I may. Geoff's response indicated severe depression being the main catalyst for his alcoholism. Tony's response was to report her for drunk driving. others have mentioned getting help for her. All the above responses have been great, except for one thing, the only person who can stop being an alcoholic is the alcoholic. Threatening them with police intervention, the loss of license will not do any good. They have to want to stop. I am a recovering alcoholic. Up until a few months ago I was drinking steadily. While I never drank to 'passing out' stage, I was a danger to me and other drivers. I too made excuses, lied, these excuses were for me and about me. Earlier this year, I was diagnosed with breast cancer, this meant surgery, followed by radium. I was given the usual list of 'do's and don'ts' following the surgery. During the wait between surgery and radium I did not drink, yes, I was very tempted. I was petrified of the unknown. I had 5 weeks of intense radium, it was full-on, scary etc. While undergoing this treatment, I did not drink. Had I drank, the treatment would've stopped. Following the breast cancer/radium treatment, yes - the need for drink was still there. I didn't want to, I needed to. An extremely close male friend was willing to stand by me, he 'blasted' me for 'falling'. He told me how much I had hurt him, let him and my kids and me down. This man is himself a recovering alcoholic, so he knew where I was. This happened quite a while ago, my job now also means I can't risk drinking because I'm driving elderly people who rely on me. AA was suggested, but vetoed as it can be a bit on the religious side. I'm hoping one day to look my male friend, who has stood by me and continues to 'be there', in the eye and tell him proudly, I am permanently 'dry'. I know he is proud of me, but in order for that to be permanent, I have to be permanent too. It's not going to be easy, overnight miraculous. Your wife will turn nasty, she will make excuses, I know, I did. In the end, your wife is the only one who can make the choice.

Lynda

[Golfnut]

Emdan, I really feel for you and agree that you should do everything possible to prevent your wife driving while under the influence of alcohol. I have struggled with the problem of an alcoholic wife for about 5 years now. She has tried everything to stop drinking, including two spells in rehab, long term counselling with a psychiatrist and medication to stop her drinking. There has been some short term relief but nothing has been effective in the long term. She claims that I "drive" her to drink but is completely unable to give me a rational explanation of what aspects of my behaviour cause her to drink. I have left home for brief periods and threatened to leave permanently but this doesn't stop the drinking.

My wife is a very attractive and intelligent woman who suffers from very low self esteem and self loathing. The reality is that she has a life many people would envy with frequent overseas travel, a lovely home and no financial problems. I don't understand her addiction to alcohol but it is an ever present nightmare for me. She has sometimes humiliated me in social situations because of her alcohol fuelled behaviour and these situations cause me great distress.

I feel very alone in this journey. Currently I am having a course of radiotherapy for prostate cancer and simply cannot contemplate the prospect of leaving our beautiful home and uprooting my life at this juncture. I don't even feel that I can discuss the problem with my children (from a previous marriage) because I don't want them to feel badly about my wife. I am in my mid 70's and can't see any prospect of a solution to my problem which doesn't involve a great deal of pain and financial stress.

[pipsy]

Dear Golfnut. Your wife shifting blame to you for her drinking is common. I blamed everyone too. I still get urges to drink to numb the pain. I can usually control the urges by reminding myself where I am now as opposed to where I was. The inevitable 'morning after' didn't deter me. With alcoholism the urge is not because the want is so strong, it's the need for the 'high' and the euphoric feeling that alcohol stops the pain from becoming overpowering. Depression is unreal and alcohol stops the pain of the depression. The pain returns once the alcohol affect wears off (sober up) so the need for more drink to numb the pain returns. It's a vicious unrelenting illness that knows no mercy for the sufferer. It's possible your wife has an inherited alcohol addiction, I know I do. The only one who can stop your wife, is your wife. Threatening to leave will have no effect as the need for alcohol is stronger than her love for you. I have no doubt she does love you, but in order for her to abstain and get help, she has to ask. She will always be an alcoholic but if she can ask for and accept help she will start the journey towards recovery. When you say she has tried everything, until she is actually able to admit she is an alcoholic, and needs help, nothing will work. Actually admitting is ultra, I only admitted to it earlier this year, I had denied and covered up for years. She may say she has a 'drink problem', that is not admitting, that is excusing. To admit is hard, accepting help is harder, but it does get easier once you can accept. Alcoholism is an illness, treatable, but in order for the treatment to work, admitting and accepting is Step One.

Lynda

[geoff]

hello Golfnut, alcohol plays such an enormous part for so many people where it will control their needs and disrupt family life, and often your friends, work mates or even family realise that you're married to an alcoholicand can restict whether or not they want to invite you a function or family gathering.
Firstly I'm very sorry that you have had to endue prostrate cancer, a disease no male would ever wish upon themselves.
Rehab barely works for many people although it gives them time to dry out, but as soon as finish their bout, it's straight back to the grog, same as with counseling, this too will only work if it is their desire to stop the grog, otherwise it's only being lectured, and normally they finish these sessions.
The medication will only work if that's what she wants to do, stop drinking, otherwise it's a wast of time and money spent, so the decision to give up has to come from her, so what ever you try and do to help her, will fall on deaf ears, and make her want to drink more.
Her low self esteem and not feeling as though she is worth anything could be the cause for her to drink, but it's catch-22 situation because she won't be able to improve any of this while she's still drinking, and the comment about her saying that she drinks is because 'you drive her to drink' is pretty lame, it's only an excuse for her to do so.
Your children would notice what she is doing and made up their own minds, but certainly realise that she is an alcoholic, so I would start talking with them and see what they want to do, whether it's now time you all left her, unfortunately there is no easy way out of this and there will be pain and some financial stress, but you're not going to be happy while she is an alcoholic. Geoff.

[Golfnut]

Lynda and Geoff, thank you so much for your posts which are most helpful, particularly your comments regarding my wife blaming me for her drinking. I always felt that the blame didn't lie with me but sometimes I have had doubts and beaten myself up over her drinking, so your comments were a great comfort to me.

I think in any life crisis, you reach the point where things become so intolerable that removing oneself physically from the situation is the only way to bring some sense of calm to one's life, notwithstanding the resulting financial stress. My wife simply won't acknowledge her alcoholism and wallows in self pity for a life of misery which is entirely of her own making. She is completely blind to the consequences of separation and divorce for both our futures.

One of the things I find most distressing is that she has been in an alcohol fuelled haze from the first day of my radiotherapy and this has added significantly to the the stress my treatment causes. This neglectful behaviour would be completely out of character for her in a sober condition because, by nature, she is a very kind person. Alcoholism is a terrible disease and her drinking completely changes her persona to the extent that she becomes verbally and physically abusive. I have sometimes feared for my safety when things have been at their worst.

[pipsy]

Dear Golfnut. I can't help feeling your wife actually feels extremely 'empty' in her life. By that, I mean I presume she has no children of her own, does she have siblings, anyone she can call her family. She is your wife, yes, but does she have anyone on her side of the family she can talk to. You mentioned she has a great life with travel and no limitations financially. However, I feel she may feel unfulfilled, I also believe her depression at lack of children (if she has none) could cause her to feel unfulfilled as a female. She may tell you/anyone who will listen that she never wanted children, this could be an attempt to disguise that she could have wanted them in her early life. An alcoholic drinks mainly through depression, hereditary, cover up etc. In my case it was inherited, plus depression, plus availability. Perhaps if you could try to find out something about her, this may help you, help her. None of the problems I've mentioned are your fault or hers, they just may be part of the reason she became an alcoholic to try to numb whatever caused the depression initially. Have you been married long, you mentioned this has been ongoing for the last 5 years. Did she always drink or did it begin as 'social drinking' and escalate. I feel you love her and want to help her, to do this you need to know more about her. It won't be easy, but the more you know, the more help you may be able to provide. Lynda