Wife, partner and mother of my kids is an alcoholic

[emdan]

I thought I'd write this, to reach out, and also maybe someone else has similar issues that this might help.

 My wife and I are early 40's, and we have two beautiful little kids, in many ways our life is pretty damn good.  Except my wife has a major alcohol addiction and has been struggling for years to get it under control, and we're not there yet.

Alcoholism is one of the trickiest beasts I've ever come across, it's something thats accepted by Aussie society, almost jokingly in the media, yet its soul destroying for the victims... both her, me, our family, and everyone around.  It's almost a true definition of 'evil'.

My kids are still too young to realise what's going on with mum.. which breaks your heart that one day they will realise that things are not right.

She puts the kids at risk, drinking during the day, and driving them to activities.  Some days I wish she would be stopped by the booze bus.. but it hasn't happened.  You wonder if she doesn't wish she be stopped as well, surely she knows its only a matter of time.  If she is stopped, her "perfect" life will fall apart, she'll lose her job as well.

I know she struggles with her head, the thoughts, the anxiety.. like we all do.. but she reaches for the bottle as a solution.. which is really a terrible solution.

I wonder if alcoholism isn't just a kind of slow suicide... the alcoholic knows its killing them, but they keep going.

I feel like a husband, a father, a provider, and also a carer for a very sick person, who doesn't realise how sick they are, doesn't appreciate the care they receive, and will keep on getting worse.

The person I married was not like this, so it's a loss as well.  A loss of the person I married, the family we started, the future we had planned... all too a crap bottle of cheap vodka.

In the meanwhile, I'll keep turning up, keep caring, keep hoping, for the kids...

[Golfnut]

Hi Lynda, you are very intuitive in your assessment. My wife was never able to have children and has never really got over the anguish this has caused her. We have been married for 20 years, she has 3 siblings and is from a very close and supportive family. However, her siblings have become increasingly angry with her drinking and in particular with the hurt and anxiety that it is causing her elderly mother.

You are also spot on with your views on her lack of fulfilment. She is a very capable woman but no longer works even though she is only in her early 50's. In fact, she absolutely refuses to work even though I have frequently suggested that it would be good for her self esteem. Even very part time work would be good for her but she isn't interested. Her view is that I am well enough off that she shouldn't have to go to work. My motivation for wanting her to work is not financial but is in the interests of her mental health.

[pipsy]

Hi Golfnut. To say I suspected your answer would be along these lines, tells me your wife needs something to give her a purpose. She has completely vetoed any form of work, community, volunteer, anything. Are there things you do as a couple that appeal to her, to try to get her away from the grog, she needs to feel she is worthy. Have you tried joining a walking group or a dance group where grog would be banned. Any suggestion she has 'depression' will send her straight back to the bottle so she can 'forget' her depression and the pain from it. I know you have had o/seas trips etc, she possibly enjoyed these, but still felt 'empty'. Does she have any hobbies or interests? I feel at the moment, you have become her life and until she can get a life for herself the grog will take your place when you are unable to be there for her. None of this is your fault, she is incredibly lonely and unfulfilled. She may also be a bit insecure with your kids as these are yours from a previous relationship. If you can get her interested in building a life where she feels secure, the grog could start to not be central. The first step is to find something that appeals to both of you. Once she starts to integrate with people, her need for booze will become less, especially if she is in an environment where booze is not available. Is she interested in any sort of craft? Shyness and lack of esteem is part of her life and she needs constant reassurance. You are going to need support in this as it will be draining and perhaps Al Anon could provide you with the support you're going to need. Unfortunately, she will always be an alcoholic, however with the right support and help she can overcome the need. Don't forget to care for you though.

Lynda

[Golfnut]

Hi Lynda, thanks again for another insightful reply. When we are travelling, my wife is fine and a completely different person from who she is today. The reality is though that we can't travel all the time. Her hobbies are the garden and cooking but these activities are not enough to keep her motivated. I have tried many other things but she is not interested.

I did attend Al Anon for about a year and found it somewhat helpful but not enough to keep up my attendance. I plan to see a counsellor to help me. When she is intoxicated, my wife constantly berates me for the grief I supposedly give her and blames me for her drinking. Then when she is sober, she acknowledges that the fault is hers. I know I am not perfect but I am a decent, honest and caring person and my self esteem is being damaged by her constant criticism.

I have seen counsellors in the past. Some have been quite good and others have not been at all helpful so the problem I have is finding a counsellor who can provide the right sort of help.

[pipsy]

Hi Golfnut. There is no way possible 24/7 travel is the be all end all to life. The positive to travel is the excitement, the return home means returning to the 'drudge/depression, need for alcohol' to get her through her to her 'empty life', as she sees it. This merry-go-round she is on has been her life for so long, any change would have to be slow and careful. The constant berating she dishes out is mainly because it's easier to blame someone else than it is to admit to needing help. She possibly is scared to ask for help as it would involve abstaining. When she lashes out, it might be an idea, if possible, to try to put some distance between you. Is she able to drive, does she have a license? Try to take keys and license away, and remove yourself to a safe haven. Do something for you, she needs to accept responsibility for her drinking, this is her problem. If you are able, try removing any booze you find and discard it. Have you spoken to your Dr about this? Ask to see your Dr and ask for a referral to a counselor trained as a support for families of alcoholism. An ordinary counselor possibly couldn't help as they are usually 'text book' trained with little practical knowledge. None of us are 'perfect', I strongly doubt 'perfection' exists. However alcohol abuse is an area where a trained alcohol abuse counselor could offer support and possible suggestions to enable you to decide whether you wish to remain with your wife. That is an option you could consider if your wife refuses to abstain or cooperate. Physically, is she in good health? I had a serious health scare last year which meant I had to abstain as my treatment lasted over 2 months. I was given the option to drink, no treatment, or abstain, accept treatment. You may have guessed, I chose abstain and health. It's scary abstaining, even more scary not abstaining. She needs a reason to stop drinking, this is her responsibility - yes, but your choice is support her or leave her alone. Supporting her means helping her change her lifestyle, which means giving her a purpose/reason to abstain. For this you need support too. Take care of yourself, you are important too. Lynda

[Golfnut]

Hi Lynda, your posts are always extremely helpful and I very much appreciate all your efforts. In fact, I invited my wife to read both your posts and my posts and, remarkably, she agrees with most of what we have both said. I am hopeful that this is a major step forward but I have been disappointed many times in the past so I am not setting my hopes too high. For now, she is sober and has re-commenced her regular visits to the gym. She is seeing her doctor today to discuss her problem, so again that is a positive move.

From reading your posts, it seems that you have had a long term problem with alcohol but you have now got things under control, particularly following your other serious health issue. Congratulations on such a successful outcome and I hope you stay happy and healthy into the future.

[Joe03]

Hi there,

i am in the same situation have 2 younger children, my wife drinks on a daily basis she be typsy drunk least 3 times a week. I come home from work and can tell she is drunk with glassy eyes. I can't get family involved as her mum has the same issue.

whe we go out with friends she embarrasses herself getting absolutely drunk where she would flirt with others and end up throwing up.

she compares my eating with her drinking. We argue at least once or twice a week I just need help as I don't know what to do. She needs help but don't know how to treat it.

she has been violent towards me a few times which scares me if she is like that too my children. With out her knowing

plesee help 😞

[Pom-In-Oz]

hello "golfnut", I can totally relate to your situation. We've battled my wife's abuse of alcohol for all our just five wedded years....when's she's sober it's a joy but once the genie's outta that bottle she becomes bitter, and twisted too. I know that she is really disappointed in herself at 'constantly failing' to be able to moderate her drinking and because she views it in those terms, she always beats herself up and almost see-harms through booze. You mentioned:

"When she is intoxicated, my wife constantly berates me for the grief I supposedly give her and blames me for her drinking. Then when she is sober, she acknowledges that the fault is hers. I know I am not perfect but I am a decent, honest and caring person..." I completely identify with this situation and the frustration and self-count and analysis that this comes with. I'm constantly thinking when my wife goes through these black episodes (benders that last approx a week) that I should leave her as she has to decide whether she wants to stop, and not me telling her all the time - as such, I feel part of the problem and part to blame. Even though, I know there are issues in her life that she has not dealt with and that these are the underlying problems that cause her to drink to destruction.

The biggest shock when I first read your post that you were in your 70s - so long suffering - and going through your own health battles. I wish you well on all fronts...

[Clint86]

Hi I’m Clint, I have been reading a lot of these posts and so many I relate to! I’ve been with my partner for over 12 years married for 7 years. We have 4yr boy girl twins and love them to bits! I caught onto my wife starting to drink about 4-5 years ago. I used to notice her slurring her words and acting off but when I said are you ok I was always thrown off with “I’m just tied”. At the start she used to throw up a lot! Even when we were in bed and just would always blame it on food she ate etc so I would never question it.. one day I noticed a bottle of water behind our bed.. I picked it up and opened it only to smell vodka! A WATER BOTTLE!? Anyway I hit her up about it and she was in denial as usual.. I can’t even begin to tell you how many times she done this... until one day that I will never forget while I’m alive.. I was working and my wife took the twins to her grandpas for the arvo. I met her there after work and stayed for a bit but as we were leaving I helped put the twins in the car, she seemed off and I would never EVER think she would be drinking while driving our kids.. I asked her was she ok? And she said just tied had a big day etc.. so me being cautious I drove out first and waited so I could follow her.. she drove out fine then on the way home was mounting gutters etc so at the lights I jumped out and said straight up “are you drunk!?” And she just looked at me then the lights turned green I had to get back in and follow her home.. she drove down the freeway doing 110k’s swerving and almost having crushes while was in the car behind screaming just to know my entire world was in that car and could die at any moment and I couldn’t do a thing about it! That feeling has stuck with me... after that we just got home she got in the driveway hitting or other car.. I got out and went off!!! She came out and said she was drunk needed help so we seen people. But she was still closed up etc blaming me for it all.. anyway long story short she’s drinking again this time she’s hidden the bottle and goes in our room has a swig then comes out has a chaser of soft drink or wine whatever.. does this when I’m in the shower or when I’m busy.. asks me can I feed the dog and then runs in! Even when I’m out side she sometimes locks the door so she can have one without being caught and blames the kids for locking the door.. it’s next level man.. I must say she wouldn’t drive with the kids again but everything else is not on.. there’s only so much I can take..

[Twilight_Zone]

Hi all,

Ive just read this thread and find so many similarities with my wife. Much like Clint86, my wife sneaks a drink (yes, also in plastic water bottles) as soon as I turn my back to her...she even goes to the length of sending me off to get something so she can get a drink in while I’m away. I can relate to all of your stories and the frustration that you all feel.

The more I read, the more I’m starting to realise how my wife is using my best of intentions and “helpfulness“ to suit her needs. She manipulate me to enable her illusion of normality. She believes she feels normal when she drinks.....

She has been a functioning alcoholic on and off for the last 15 years but it’s been increasingly getting worse the last few months to the point of now having time off work to recover from her back pain and depression while using her time to drink through the day. I do believe that she is in a lot of pain but feel she use it as an excuse for her drinking.

I’m tired of being used and deceived.

I will never give up on her and love her to bits but I need to let her reach the point where she has that moment of self realisation of what she has become.

Thank you all for sharing, I’d love to her some positive news / updates from any of you.

Best of luck to you all and hopefully see you all on the other side of this seemingly dark and never ending tunnel.

[geoff]

Hello Twilight_zone, can I also welcome you to the site.

Even though this thread is 3 years old, the problem always exists from one day to another for so many people.

An alcoholic will be able to fine-tune the way they can hide their alcohol and everything is planned around their own needs and nothing will happen until she accepts the fact that she is an alcoholic and needs help.

Unfortunately, it may end up with her having to be admitted to hospital, but this still may not be the cue that makes her realise that alcohol is controlling her life.

If you happen to know where she hides the grog, in a plastic container marked as 'white vinegar' for example, she will find another place to disguise it, and being an alcoholic years ago (only social drink now )the list is endless and couldn't even begin to offer any suggestions, but would know where to look.

You love your wife and you can take her to all sorts of places to try and cure her, but nothing will work until she raises up her hand and says please help me, I want to stop, that's first base, but she will then have to get some counselling to know why she needed the alcohol to unravel all the problems.

There's lots more I would like to say, but I'd like to hear back from you.

Geoff.