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Wife of many years now non-binary - really not sure how I feel about this

Community Member

Hey everyone,

Guessing I can't be the only person in this situation. I'm a simple guy with a fairly simple perspective on the world, at least I think I am.

My wife and I had been married almost 20yrs, we're both in a mid 40's and we have two kids one daughter and a son. We've had the usual challenges I think many relationships have but we're still here.

In the last 6 months or so my wife has declared she's non-binary and my daughter is apparently gender fluid.

Honestly I'm fine for people to be who or what they want to be.

My challenge is I'm a guy, I'm not anything else, I married a woman. It was pretty simple.

Apparently now, some 20yrs on I'm no longer married to a woman...

I've had a look for support material on this issue, frankly it's all put out by organisations that I find, are heavily slanted towards looking after the needs of the transitioning partner and supporting them. Don't be selfish and make it about you seems to be the message.

For me, ok I'm not the most intuitive guy, this was a massive shock and after 20yrs how can it not be about me as well?

I honestly don't know how I feel about it. She seems pretty committed to this course.

I really don't think I can be married to someone who feels like their a guy some of the time. I get there's more too it than that but essentially, I feel like that's what she's telling me.

I've read a few posts here of others who have have had partners decide to change gender part way through a relationship. Essentially it seems however it goes it's hard for everyone, some make it some don't.

Anway, really not sure what's going to happen but would love to hear from others in a similar situation.

Thx in advance.

34 Replies 34


You’ve been married a long time. I do wonder if your wife is quite worried about what you might say (in terms of your relationship). So might be putting it off? (Which isn’t great I know).

Do you ever email or text each other to discuss things? It could be a way of talking when it’s too emotionally charged in person.

I would try and reassure her that:

- you don’t expect ‘a say’ in her gender identity. That is hers alone. You acknowledge and accept that.

- as her partner, you’re trying to adjust to information that is new to you. You’d rather talk about it, than be left wondering or assuming.

And from her perspective, is she happy for your marriage and personal interaction to continue as it always has? I think it’s reasonable that you’re asking for clarification on that.

Even if it takes a bit of time to work out how you both feel.

Thanks for letting us know how you’re going. Hope it helps to talk.


I feel for you but dont have any suggestions except that your not alone as I'm in the same boat.
Been together nearly 25yrs and my wife has always had what I thought was a low libido. She stopped wanting physical affection early in our relationship but everything else was good, so I just dealt with it, until we got married and it was like an off switch was hit. I tired talking about it when We started seeing a marriage counselor and I told her to raise the issue of our sexless marriage because I didn't want to be the typical male complaining. She still hasn't mentioned anything to the councilor.
Recently she mentioned to my step mom, when talking about my niece's being non-binary, that when she was younger she never had that option so just identified as a tomboy.
Now I wonder if this is the reason she is not sexually attracted to me. She won't discuss it. I feel lost and alone, like she had always felt this way and I've just been strung along. Now I feel trapped. like I have no options and it's really difficult and there's no support. I'm wanting her to admit she has an issue but I feel she is in denial.
At least you have a real reason from you wife but the hurt is real.

I hope you can get some closure soon.

Hey Rx, that's exactly how I feel.

Thx Juliet. I don't think she see's the need to 'talk' about it as; it's about her, and, she's apparently always felt this way just didn't understand it, or have a way of explaining it.

Wow, so very similar. My wife also identified as a tomboy early in life.

I hope your wife will soon at least discuss with you the fact she's identifying as non-binary.

Like you, I don't have a solution.

as with many things in life seems you either accept it, adapt and move forward or make a more drastic change. I still haven't decided.