What should I do? I need advice
"There’s no repairing a marriage that never really existed in the first place. I am devastated. I do not even know what to think, please i need advice
Hello Iamhealing, hi and welcome.
Firstly this must be devastating, and secondly this should have never happened, and if it has been going on your entire marriage, then it's totally disrespectful for you, especially as he is the father of the child to this person.
As you have said 'there’s no repairing a marriage that never really existed', and when you confront him, then perhaps you can ask him to move out because you're filing for divorce.
It would be impossible for him to try and wrangle any excuses, simply because he has done everything that he shouldn't have done.
Have you contacted a lawyer yet and do hope to hear back from you.
Geoff as usual made a good post.
If your evidence is rock solid, is there anything to gain with any further face to face meeting?
I ask this because if it was me, I'd change the door locks and text him prior to him arriving home asking him for one reply only, that of his reasons for his actions. That alone would satisfy me but you may disagree.
I'm sorry you face a bleak few months ahead readjusting but, you deserve better and life will work out, believe in that and yourself.
I can feel your pain just by reading your post..As Geoff said above this would be devastating for you. Just my humble opinion....life is short...very short...and from what you have posted you are in a bad place and from what you mentioned in your post, I would be gone...yet....
Only if its okay...can I ask why you are waiting until Sunday to confront your husband? And do you think there is any hope of saving your marriage?
Please excuse the questions...Just trying to provide some effective support for you
The forums are a safe and non judgmental place for us to post iamhealing...Your privacy and well being is important to us
we are listening
Thank you for sharing this update. It's really good to hear that your sister is coming to stay with you during this extremely difficult time. Having someone understanding nearby, for support and company sounds like a really good idea.
We've contacted you directly as we'd like to offer you some additional support. If you want to reach us directly, you can call us on 1300 22 4636 anytime, or reach our Support Service online.
If you'd like to have a chat with one of the lovely people at 1800Respect to discuss how your relationship is going, and to make sure you feel safe and free from abuse within your relationship, they're on 1800 737 732, or you can reach them on online chat, here. We would really recommend reaching out to them if you have any concerns about abuse in your relationship, especially as you think about confronting your husband about this.
Thank you again for your courage and strength in sharing your story. If you’d like to share a bit more here about how you’ve been feeling, our kind community will be here to offer their support and understanding.
I’m so sorry that you are in such a difficult and painful situation.
I have not been in your situation ever, so I can only imagine and speak to you as a fellow human being and married woman.
I think it would be a good idea to sit down with your sister and just breathe and think for a minute. Perhaps you could brainstorm with her or this community …
- Are you strong enough to go through a face-to-face discussion with your husband right now?
- What impact will this encounter have on you?
- Do you need time to get over the shock or do you feel you need answers now?
- What type of man is your husband? We know he’s capable of great deceit but is he violent?
- His double-life is about to come crashing down, with what you both know of him how could he possibly react?
- Does the other woman know about you? How could that affect his reaction?
- Based on that, do you think you need to take steps now to protect yourself physically, emotionally and financially?
My heart breaks for you. I’m here if you want to talk.
Kind thoughts to you
I can imagine this must feel absolutely devastating to know that your whole marriage was a lie. But I imagine there must be some vindication also to know that you aren’t crazy and your gut was right, although I know it must be cold comfort. It’s human nature to want to seek meaning in situations such as this, but unfortunately I don’t think there’s any you can take from this. Other than to know that you deserve better than the way you have been treated, and that the problem is not with your character. When I hear stories such as this, her first child is his etc, I wonder why on earth he put you through a marriage that he had no intention of honouring. Your one benefit is that you found out now, 5 years in rather than 10 or 20 years down the line. You will go on to lead a life full of happiness and kindness, I have no doubt, you sound good and decent and adverse circumstances have a way of shaping us even further for the better. Whereas he will always live his complicated and callous life, I think that some people need it to give the illusion of depth. My heart goes out to you xx